I. Thou shalt not lie to your children, for any reason, ever. Remember this and hold it dear to your heart. You child will believe everything you say in a way that we cannot even begin to imagine as adults, and their trust in you, and therefore their sense of security about the world, will be based entirely on how honest and reliable a source of information you are about the world. So never, ever lie to them. Not because you are afraid the truth will upset them, not because you are trying to preserve their innocence, and certainly not because it’s simpler or you don’t know the answer and don’t want to admit it. Trust me, they will sense that you are not being honest with them, even if they are not old enough to consciously recognize it, and the moment they realize you have lied to them, their universe splits into two halves, and they will never entirely trust either of them again. This doesn’t mean you have to know everything or always be right, it just means that you never say to them that which you know is untrue.

II. Thou shalt not punish in anger. There has been much debate over the years about corporal punishment and the form of parental discipline, but I think that entirely misses the point. The form does not matter, what matters, what is most crucial, is whether or not the child feels you are punishing them for doing something wrong, or punishing them simply because you are angry and can make them suffer and they can’t do anything about it. They may not be able to articulate the difference, and they certainly are not going to thank you for punishing them, but deep down, your restraint or lack thereof will have a profound effect on how they see the world and whether they think the world is fair and safe for them, or whether they think the only safety is being bigger and more powerful than others… in being the punisher and not the punished. Needless to say, this is a very important distinction, especially if, like any good parent, you are concerned with what kind of a person you raise : a good person, or a clever brute. A time-out given in anger to punish the child for upsetting you, with no sense that an important rule (apart from “don’t make Mommy/Daddy mad or they will hurt you) has been broken, will do far, far more damage than a firm and painful spanking which is just and fair ever could.

III. Thou shalt not confuse a gratified child with a happy child. But discipline you must. The mistake overly permissive parents make when raising children is confusing what the child wants with what the child needs. It is an especially tragic mistake, because while the overly permissive parent wants to make their child happy, the sad truth is that an undisciplined child is not a happy child. They tend, in fact, to be very angry and bitter children, because their urge to discover the limits of their world has met no resistance, and so they continue to act out, seeking some kind of structure or rules that do not bend to their will and therefore can form the solid walls of their lives. And this irony is all the crueler because the child could not possible articulate why they are so unhappy. After all, they get everything they want, which is something other children would love to be able to say. So what’s the problem? That is why it is so vitally important for you to be the adult and take the responsibility for setting the rules and enforcing them fairly and reliably, and knowing that this means struggling with your child, enduring their anger and tears and recriminations and holding firm… for your child’s sake.

IV. Thou shalt not confuse doing for you child with doing with your child. It has become a truism, but only because it’s true : there is nothing more precious to your child than your time. Children inherently and instinctively want to be with their parents. Time spent with you, and not just with you but with you paying attention to them, validates them in a way absolutely nothing else can. There is no substitute for time with your kids. This is especially true in the years between toddler and Grade 1. The sense of your presence, that you are there for them when they need you and that you value them and what they have to say and what they do, will be a vitally important pillar of the self worth of the person they become. If you find yourself spending less time with your kids in order to earn something for your kids, ask yourself which they would prefer, if they were being honest.

V. Thou shalt not transfer responsibility for their lives to your children prematurely. Part of modern parenting philosophy states that it is good to consult your child about what they want and what they like because it gives them a sense of autonomy and power. This is absolutely true, and letting your child make some of their own choices is absolutely a good thing. But like all good things, taken to excess it can become a bad thing again. Give your child choice in small things which do not matter and will not have much of an impact on their lives. Let them pick their toys, their ice cream flavour, even their clothes when they are old enough. But you will not be doing them any favours by giving them larger decisions before they are old enough to understand and handle them. Taken too far, what you are doing is abandoning your parental responsibility to look out for your little ones when they are too small to look out for themselves, and that is one of the worst forms of child abandonment.

To be continued. Probably. Depends on if I can think of five more of these.