Dear second graffitist : I heart you so damn much.

Oh yeah, what if I WANT to tell you what to do?

Ah, irony. The Generation X addiction that can never die, at least for us.

Another blah day, with more blah deep sweaty sleepy and blah blah feeling out of sorts and blah, blah, blah.

I really hate my stupid life sometimes.

Gone a tad further on the game trading front. Signed up for an account on the “named by three twee tards” game trading site Goozex and told them I had Zelda : Twilight Princess to offer, and instantly, it spit out the name and address of someone who wants the game in Ontario who wants the game. So now I just have to go next door to the postal outlet in the Shopper’s Drug Mart in the strip mall next door, and stick the game in a bubble envelope, and ship it off. When it is confirmed to have arrived, or possibly just when I confirm that I sent it, I will get 600 Goozex points which I can then spend on whatever other game another user is offering, and thus, the stream of trade is propagated.

If this all works out for me, I will likely just buy the envelopes and postage in advance, so I can do more trades from home, rather than have to go buy the stuff next door each time. If I have the stuff at home, I can just put it all together here in the apartment and then just stick it in any old mailbox I happen to pass on my weekly peregrinations.

Here’s the pathetic and sad part of the story : right after I committed to send the game off, I had a panic attack at the enormity of my commitment! Oh no, now I had to go OUTSIDE by MYSELF, and SPEND MONEY, and BUY POSTAGE, and in general DO SOMETHING I HAVE NEVER DONE BEFORE! Oh the TERROR!

I even felt a very strong urge to cancel the whole thing as too hard, too complicated, too much for me to handle. Luckily, I managed to fight that urge down as pathetic and unworthy and unhealthy. I am sick and tired of leading such a sad and pathetic life simply because I lack the will and the courage to fight my fears. I am tired of being so limited by my illness. I want to get my shit together and become a more complete and whole person. This sort of thing is a good first step. It’s just next door, I need to go Shopper’s anyhow for a few things (like picking up the form to get my missing Optimum card replaced, getting some deodorant… ), it will be over before I know it, and I will have the satisfaction of having expanded my world a little bit and, of course, eventually get a new game out of the deal too.

Not sure what I will get. Probably Super Mario Galaxy 2. I am guessing that once you factor in the envelope, postage, and the website’s fee, I will be getting a new game for something like five bucks. Not bad.

Speaking of my irrational and bathetic fear-based lifestyle, I am reading a book called Overcoming Agoraphobia and it’s turning out to be full of valuable insights into my condition.

I actually bought the book ages ago, but I didn’t read it then, because right off the bat it assumes that all agoraphobics are scared housewives whose husbands are tired of having to do the grocery shopping themselves. That really put me off and I just shoved the book back on my bookshelf. But recently, I decided to give it another shot, prepared to at least figure out if it had anything at all to offer a single gay man with the same condition.

And it does. I don’t quite fit its model of agoraphobia, but there is still enough meat on its bones to make it a very good thing for me to read. The author, Doctor Barry Goldstein, really seems to understand a lot of where I am coming from. The isolation, the lack of the ability to connect with others even though you desperately want to, the social fear, the way it controls your whole life.

I think the difference between me and the ladies in the book he treats is that, not being a good looking woman but rather a big fat ugly man, I never had anyone to cling to for security like a husband. Or parents, honestly. The agoraphobes in the book all had overprotective and/or overcritical and/or overdependent parents. I had parents who barely knew I was alive.

More on this later. Won’t that be fun?