VI. Thou shalt not confuse their innocence with your own. As we grow up, we lose our innocent. It is a sad but necessary part of becoming an adult. The simple safe world of childhood, where the world is no bigger than the house we grow up in and the biggest threat is bedtime, slowly gives way to the real world, with all its complexities, stresses, ambiguities, difficulties, and unpleasant truths. It’s a process we all go through, and no matter how grown up we might become, there will always be that inner child within us who wishes none of it had happened and who wants to “go back to when things were better”. And this is the part of us that comes to the fore when our own children are young. It is the part of us that, with the best of intentions, wants to preserve our children’s innocence as part of us wishes our own had been preserved. But as adults, we have to remember that loss of innocence is a necessary part of growing up, and it is we as adults who suffer far more from our children’s perceived loss of innocence than the child themselves. It is not our children’s job to preserve our own innocence, to keep the part of ourselves safe from the pressures and realities of adulthood. They can handle more than you think they can.

VII. Thou shalt not attempt to be a perfect saint of parenting. Restraint is a very good thing in a parent. But like all good things, it too can be taken to excess. Children do not need a robotized and lobotomized parent who is always the perfect, plastic model of saintly beatitude, who never gets angry, never seems upset, never gets stressed, and is never, ever worried about anything. For one thing, it’s absolutely impossible for anyone with a pulse to keep that up for the entire eighteen years it takes to raise a child. You are bound to break down sooner or later, and when you do, it will likely be in a catastrophic way as all your suppressed negative emotions boil to the surface all at once. A parent who is human and imperfect is far better than one who is falsely perfect most of the time then periodically explodes into tears and anger. And even if you could keep up the facade indefinitely, you shouldn’t, because children need to learn emotional coping skills from their parents, and they cannot learn what is never modeled for them. And they also need to know that part of dealing with others is that certain behaviours make people angry, and it is better that they learn this from you, someone who loves and cares for them more than anything, than learn it for the first time on the school’s playground.

VIII. Thou shalt give generously and meaningfully of your love.Every parent loves their children, but communicating that love to them is not always easy. Parents often worry about what is the “right” amount of affection to show towards their children, and I don’t claim to have a formula for the perfect answer, but I do have a question : Name one case you know of where a child was harmed by being loved too much. You can’t, can you? So err on the side of “lots”. Concentrate on how much you love them and try to find ways to show them. Telling them is not enough, especially if they sense you don’t mean it at that second. Speaking of which, concentrating on how much you love them will also help you through those moments when they are driving you crazy, so it is good for you as well as them. It’s win/win.

IX. Thou shalt treat your children with respect. Our first impression of our children is of a helpless, squalling, squirming creature who can do nothing for itself, and from there into the Terrible Twos and Threes, we are dealing with a person who is supremely self-centered, has to be constantly watched to make sure they do not kill themselves in ways that even mentally retarded adults would not do, and who tries out patience and wears out our nerves in ways we never thought humanly possible. This does not leave the best impression, and even a very patient and understanding parent might find themselves reacting to their child as though they were a very ill behaved adult, as opposed to a child who knows no better. But through all this, we must remember to not just care for our children, but to value them and respect them as well. Really listen when they talk, even if they rarely have anything interesting to say. Take them seriously when they are concerned about something. Never belittle or dismiss their fears or concerns. They do not have the advantage of your adult perspective on the world. Above all, always treat them with respect. That doesn’t mean treat them like an adult, but treat them with the level of respect that you yourself desires. Only this way will they learn to respect themselves.

X. Thou shalt meet thy children every single day. We do not kid the kids we want. We get the kids we get. And the truth is, we have little control over what their basic personality will be. When your little one came home from the hospital on that first day, they already had their own personality, moods, temperament, likes, dislikes, and attitudes. You can’t change these things. And the further truth is that, no matter the genes of the child’s parents, they are a brand new human being, a fresh combination of traits that might well be absolutely nothing like their parents in any of the basic ways we normally look for when we decide with whom we wish to associate. Think of everyone you have ever known, and think : my child might be like them. Or like nothing you have ever experience before. You have to accept, as a parent, that despite raising them, loving them, worrying over them, and being more intimately involved in their lives than anyone else every will be, you don’t truly know them. Every day, you meet your children and get to know them a little more. But they are their own beings, and you will always be faced with the reality of the child you have, who might just be the sort of person you would not even mix with socially if you could help it. Knowing this before you conceive is best. But even learning it after they have moved out of the house after college can save a parent a great deal of confusion and heartbreak.