Everybody knows the burdens faced by assertive women in society. They are bucking the very basics of our conception of gender roles, and all of society resists that. The same behaviours that show that you are a go-getter with drive and initiative as a man are punished with labels like “bossy” and “aggressive” and “not a team player” if you’re a women.

But rarely do you hear about her opposite number, the receptive male. He too violates all our gender norms, and the same behaviours that would get a woman called “sweet” and “kind” and “maternal” are punished with labels like “wimp”, “loser”, and “pussy”.

Funny how nobody ever calls an aggressive woman a “cock”, isn’t it?

The receptive, passive, “womanly” man has a very rough time in society. The expectations of aggression, assertiveness, and above all performance on a man are far more severe than those on a woman. And the judgments from society are extremely harsh. Just as society ignores and scorns the unbeautiful woman, so does society loathe and deny worth to the underperforming man.

Notice how even ugly women don’t get told that they are “good for nothing”?

Men are supposed to know what they want and go for it. They are supposed to go out into the world and fight, and when the chips are down, they are the ones expected to keep it together and handle things. Men lead… being a follower is never fully acceptable for a man. Every man is supposed to, at least in theory, want to be the leader. Men are supposed to fight each other for what they want, not sit around and wait for it to come to them. They are supposed to pursue, not be pursued. Nearly all emotions are penalized if expressed by a man. This is doubly true of any and all tender, gentle emotions. A man is not supposed to go all gooey over a box of kittens, or cry at a movie, or fret about how the babysitter is treating their kids while they are away. Men are supposed to be strong, decisive, in control, and to never show weakness.

And some of us just plain can’t make that grade.

And I would argue that, at this point in time, the penalties for gender nonconformity are much harsher for men. Women have made great strides in conquering their gender stereotypes. Nobody looks twice at a women for wearing men’s clothing, being ambitious at work, or doing whatever job suits them. Even today’s realities of pushback and resentment for certain male like attributes like aggression and having a strong opinion are being addressed, and clearly, the momentum of history is on their side.

Women support each other, cheer each other on, get together to wear red hats in public, and in all ways the message is clear : we can do or be whoever we want!

But there’s no such movement for men. The closest thing we have is brony-ism, and you can see the contempt society has for them.

Receptive men face two major challenges in overcoming this problem. The obvious one is that the very nature of this subgroup means they lack the kind of assertive nature that is required to organize and maintain a movement. The passive, receptive, sensitive people rarely self-organize.

The less obvious reason is that in modern society, men are simply not supposed to need help. This is why it is so hard for us to support one another, especially in something as dangerous to your male status as challenging gender norms for men. A lot of men might agree with what I am saying in this article, but most of them would not agree with it in public for fear of being thought to be a wimp.

So the gender nonconforming men suffer in silence, or join the modern Men’s Rights Movement and get mad at all the wrong things. Those men should be fighting for their right to be gentle, not complaining because they think the world owes them pussy just for not being a bad person.

So we are not currently in the position to do this all on our own. We are going to need help from women.

And women, you have skin in this game too. A lot of the complaints you have about men, like them being insensitive, unsupportive, and too aggressive, stem directly from the deep conflicts inherent in male culture. The more you help resolve those conflicts, the better quality of men you will get.

The first step for women who want to help is to simply be aware of the problem and the part they play in it. Gender conformity is enforced by both genders. Be aware of your own thoughts on the matter as you react to things involving men. Did you think a guy was a loser because he had a low status job? Would you be mortified if you were seen with a man who was crying in public? Are there certain things you just assume men will take care of, and would you judge a man to have failed if it doesn’t automatically do them?

Once you have mastered this form of self-reflection, you are ready for the next step, which is to recognize these things in others. Once you take the blinders of modern society’s gender roles off, you will begin to see the effects of these restrictive rules for men everywhere. Take it in and think about what it means for you and for others.

Then, if and when you are ready, you can act. When you hear or see men being treated unfairly and/or held to a very inflexible gender standard, speak up. Support the victim. And most importantly, make a political statement by clearly and distinctly valuing men for all their attributes, not just the one society says you are allowed to value.

This is how women can bring feminism to men, and when that happens, both genders reap the benefits, and the world becomes a saner softer safer place.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

P.S. I am not saying it’s all up to women. Men have to do their part too. I am just saying that there is only such much men can do on their own.

Remember, feminism needed male allies for a really long time.