I fucked up. Maybe. I’m not sure.

Let’s just say it’s a possibility.

First, the good news : it has been confirmed that my Kwantlen debt problems have been solved. I am, definitively, all paid up. In fact, the account has a 43 surplus in it.

So that chapter of my life is over, anyhow.

But when I was trying to figure out why the Kwantlen system still won’t let me register for classes and keeps telling me it’s because I haven’t paid my deposit (???), I came across this page.

Of particular interest was the part where it said that the application deadline for the spring semester was Dec 1 of this year.

You know…. a week ago.

See, what had occurred to me was that maybe I was supposed to apply for the next semester all over again. I had been assuming that once I was registered as a student, they would just assume I was coming back to, ya know, continue working towards my degree.

But if I was supposed to somehow know that I had to do all that again, well then, I am fucked. Best I could do is apply for the summer semester. And I don’t think I can handle six months of downtime.

I’m having trouble handling three weeks of it, and it just started today!

So I am thinking that if that proves to be the case, I will ends my relationship with Kwantlen and shift all my energies into getting into VFS. I definitely have a recent educational history, and that was the main impediment when I tried to get in before. Maybe this time, I can make it.

And honestly, writing for TV is my dream.

Not that I wouldn’t miss the KWantlen student life. I got to be in my element for a while.

But if I did get into VFS, it would definitely keep me busy, and I would love that. Downtime is my enemy. If that crazy one year Writing for TV and Movies course can give me an endless supply of things to do, that could be a godsend.

So I dunno. I have possibilities, shall we say.

Seriously, thought, how was I supposed to know that I had to apply for the Spring semester way back in November? I was busy doing actual schoolwork back then. And not everyone has an advisor to help them avoid the irrational pitfalls inherent in the system.

It’s not like there’s guidance counselors for adults.

So if that does turn out to be the case, I won’t feel too bad for missing it. It’s crazy to begin with and even crazier to expect people to know it.

I swear, it’s impossible to be paranoid and neurotic enough. I try to look out for danger, see problems before they happen, and be on top of things, and yet there is always something that I never could have seen coming lurking in the background to fuck things up for me.

Or maybe not. Maybe I am being all neurotic and crazy over this and it will turn out to be nothing to worry about and it was just my crazy brain lurching to conclusions like always.

I guess all the business with my student loan and subsequent funding campaign has made me pretty jumpy. I makes me feel, definitely not for the first time, like the world is full of rules that are obvious to everyone else but me, and it’s my destiny to stumble over said rules over and over again forever.

I’m a clueless genius. I really need a handler. Someone more competent than me.

So you know…. nearly everybody.

I just have to repeat to myself that I am magnificently talented and intellectually gifted, and so it’s not like without life competence I have nothing. It’s me and Einstein, gifted but goofy, geniuses and stumbling fools at the same time. Head in the clouds, not watching the road. Always stumbling into potholes.

I guess it’s good that I am adorkable. Otherwise, people would have no use for me at all. If you are doomed to mess up again and again in life, you damned well better be a sympathetic figure.

Still, I wish I could just legitimately have my shit together. I am doing my best, but I am just too inclined to spend my time inside my own mind to really be good at dealing with reality. And knowing this doesn’t really change anything, except maybe as a clue to where certain things lie on the “what you can’t change, accept” scale.

But it’s hard to accept it, because it keeps leading to me getting hurt and humiliated and confused. The idea that I can’t prevent that is just… unacceptable.

So maybe I need a new life strategy, one that somehow compensates for this flaw. I am not sure what the could be. Any possibility I can think of involves me sinking my hooks into some poor competent person and making them look after me, and that doesn’t seem right.

If I did somehow manage to do that… I would have to be really, really good for that person to make up for it. And I would do so out of gratitude alone. I have no illusions of not needing people.

I’m a delicate hothouse flower trying to make it in a cold, cold world. I either have to rope someone into looking after me, or learn to be my own competent caretaker.

That’s a far more delicate operation than you would think.

And I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. I did manage to get myself into school and then get myself into class every day and I will be getting mostly good grades.

If things do go sideways, I should just chalk it up to experience. Mistakes are worthwhile if you learn from them. Maybe I am more clueless than average, but I am above average in other things.

So maybe everyone gets the same amount of potential, and for most people, it ends up spread out evenly over many life skills and core competencies.

But some of us are “gifted” and end up really good at some things… and not so good in the others.

I guess I can live with that.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.