This is where things get complicated.

The thing is, when I try to hold the thought of my own glowing amazingness in my mind, I get this feeling like I am trying to stare into the heart of the sun.

In other words, it gives me a headache.

I think that is my main barrier (after depression) to really integrating my gifts into my self-image. If I really think about it, I am so gifted it’s scary.

I freely admit to be scared of my own power. In some ways,. I always have been.

But maybe that’s just an excuse. A trap I built for myself to excuse not folliwng my instinct to go out and conquer the world and make a life for myself.

And maybe my extremely strong sense of responsibility is part of that self-directed con job. Or at the very least, the attached worries about accidentally hurting people with the careless use of my powers.

Fuck that. I should just let loose and let the chips fall where they may.

So sayeth the id.

And yet, a big part of me resists that because then I would have to actually go out there and face that big mean world and that scares me more than anything else.

I have this inner adversary that keeps me in an eternal state of stalemate by playing whatever move is needed to negate any and all desires to do more.

It’s like I am a creature in a cage who has had to develop psychological defenses against thoughts of leaving that cage because it knows it is never getting out and thoughts of escape only serve to torment it.

And by this point, it’s scared to leave. The cage is its whole universe. What can possibly lie outside the universe? Only chaos and madness, right?

So maybe the creature spends a lot of time dreaming about what it would do if it got out. And these dreams are so nice that the creature can even fool itself into thinking that it wants to get out. Maybe it’s been telling itself it will get out some day for a very long time, and these thoughts give it comfort.

But only when they stay mere thoughts. Dreams to be used as a substitute for reality. When the creature starts to think about actually, truly getting out, it gets scared.

But its a nice idea.

And it keeps the creature in its cage.

Oh, and the creature has vast magical powers it never really uses.

Jesus fuck that is depressing. What the hell is wrong with me?

Oh well. Sometimes the darkness has to come out. And that means writing really depressing shit sometimes. It goes against my instinct to entertain people but it does me a hell of a lot of good in the long run.

But it also fills me with shame, like I just pooped in public. And in a sense, I did, in that I just voided some nasty stuff into the world.

My life is so goddamned complicated.

More after the break.

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I’ve been somewhat depressed lately.

The weird thing is, I felt it happen. I was chatting with Joe when I felt this coldness well up and engulf me like a clinging mist.

And my mood sank. Suddenly I felt despair and hopelessness and a terrible feeling of being completely and utterly alone.

And it seemed like Joe was a million miles of cold dead space away. I could still hear and understand him, but emotionally speaking, he had all but vanished.

As had the rest of the human race, to be honest.

This was the first time I have ever observed the onset of depression so clearly and consciously, and it’s both unnerving (the memory is not a good one) and fascinating (because Ifeel this might be very useful in my recovery).

Plus I’m an intellectualizing egghead, so fascination is one of my primary defense mechanisms when paired with intellectualization.

And so it goes.

i have been working my way through those emotions ever since. It’s like that moment when my heart was pierced by an icicle of wretched despair released a certain amount of the darkness inside me into my conscious mind and I have spent the last 24 hours plus clearing that toxin from my system.

And now it’s on the way out, and a soupcon of my mental burden goes with it. The ice melted a little, and I dealt with stuff I have suppressed for a long time, and now I can feel that it is on the way out.

And I am better off as a result.

Moreover, I feel like I understand what is going on in me better. That paralytic chill that is like the interstellar void made liquid. The feeling of it spreading through my body. Understanding where these feelings of hopelessness and isolation were coming from. or at least, where they began.

I would love to know what was actually happening in my bloodstream and brain at that moment in time.

And with this mental snapshot of the moment things went wrong comes a reinforcement of the idea that this whole thing is just chemical, something my body just does sometimes, and therefore it is not something I should take personally.

It’s nowhere near that simple or easy, of course, but it’s still a comforting though that helps reinforce the barrier between who I am and the disease I happen to have.

And I need all of that I can get.

Because I am worthy. I am wanted. I contribute. I have value. I matter. I count. I am by all measures an amazing beast with magical powers and that is enough for anyone to justify their existence in this world.

People want me around. They enjoy my company. They like me. Really like me. And I deserve their love and affection because I am a pretty wonderful dude to be around and it’s high time I give myself credit for that.

I am one extraordinary guy.

And I deserve to feel that way.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.