I’m in a lousy fucking mood.

Not “I was in a bad mood” or “I guess I was in a bad mood at that time” or any other form of intellectualizing bullshit.

I’m feeling drownright grumpy right now, and I am not (very) afraid to admit it!

The day started out terrible because I woke up and everything hurt.

But not in the full body way that I would get from low blood sugar or the flue or something like that. Oh no.

Everything hurt on a part by part basis, with its own seperate channel of pain.

This sucked so bad that it took me a while to even figure out what the fuck was going on. Turned out that, somehow, while I slept,my whole body became a nest of cramps, tangles,and tension, and so every muscle in my body was pissed off.

So I then had to slowly and carefully stretch and turn and do whatever else it took to works all those knots out of my traitorous body.

By the time I finished that, I had realized that I also had a splitting headache and my joints were aching as well.

Oh, and there was the usual feeling of wretchedness that I always feel when I wake up.

I never earned this karma.

Eventually I managed to flay myself into sufficient shape to eat least eat and watch videos and molest a very cute little pig boy. But after that, I was so tired that I had to go right back to bed, even though I had already slept for around eight hours total.

It’s a special kind of hell when you know you have no choice but to go to sleep – I mean, my eyes were starting to blur a bit – but really hate the idea of going back to sleep because of how shitty it made you feel last time you slept.

It’s like seeing a disaster coming and not being able to do anything about it.

When I woke up again, I felt incrementally better. So I decided to pull the trigger on purchasing a couple of very cheap games from Humble Bundle.

They were $2.70 total, or $1.35 each (CDN, natch), so I figured, what the hell, even if I hate both of them, it’s only $2.70!

And that turned out to be fortunate.

The first game was Miasmata, which was advertised as being a survival/horror game where you are a plague stricken scientist searching for a cure.

And that’s what it is already. Except for the “battling” part, because it turns out that all you actually do in the game is collect biological samples from your enivironmentm test them in the lab, and try to figure out what combination will cure you.

Not what I had pictured at all. In a word, underwhelming.

The other was Call of Juarez, and I had high hopes for this game. A story-dense Western-themed FPS game?

Sign me the fuck up!

I’ve never been into Westerns as a book and movie genre, but I love it as a setting for a first person video game.

That’s why it sucks so much that there’s no Red Dead Redemption for the PC. Grr.

But I quit the game without even finishing the tutorial because the goddamned tutorial kepts expecting things of me without giving me the slightest clue as to how to do it.

Took me forever to figure out how to sneak past this one shotgun-toting farmer. Then I had to use a whip to get into a window and that too forever too.

Turns out I had to hit these teeny tiny pegs above the window with the whip. Pegs that had no reason to be there except to make whip entry possible.

But once I got past that, then I have this bit where I am supposed to sneak out of town past a bunch of pussy-crazed hooligans and for the life of me,I have no idea how the hell to do it. No matter what I do, they catch me and shoot me to death.

So I gave up. Fuck that noise. Life’s too short for me to deal with such vastly insufficient communication. I should not have to look up a walkthrough just to make it through your god damned tutorial.

That said, I will probably try again just to see if the actual post-tutorial game is any better. You can’t always judge a game by its tutorial.

But if the actual game keeps asking me to do things with no clue as to how, I will shitcan that game so hard it bounces.

Needless to say, these twin disappointments did nothing to improve my sour mood, and that’s the main reason why I still feel surly and pissed off right now.

I even tried to relax with some Borderlands, but I had forgotten that when I left the game, I was in a very difficult area.

So that was also frustrating, but at least there, I could kill a lot of people.

That helps sometimes.

Right now, I feel the urge for violent conflict. I really want to beat the shit out of someone who is trying to beat the shit out of me. There is nothing I would like more than to express my feelings of aggression in a direct and very visceral manner.

This is the primitive “raging bull” side of me I tend to vehemently suppress as it does not fit with my self-image as a calm, rational, sensible, civilized person.

But it is just as much a real part of me as all my intellectual bullshit is, and if I am going to melt the ice on my heart, I am going to expand my view of myself to include sometimes feeling like I want to strangle something.

We all have our dark sides, to say the least.

It’s time I embraced my Mister Jekyll instead of always trying to Hyde it.

Even my darkest, most violent and twisted thoughts are still a part of me, and trying to wall them off and pretend they are not there is worse than futile.

Once more, it all comes back to the need to integrate my being. To connect it all to the same circuit, a circuit I call me.

Then all I need is to turn myself on!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.