Woke up feeling pretty crappy.

So what else is new?

I can’t wait till I get a new set of my usual antihistamines on Thursday. Right now, Iam using Joe’s, which are the same as mine except they don’t incluide a sinus med.

And it’s that sinus component that makes all the differtence, it would seem.

I am so damned sick and tired of being sick and tired all the goddamned time.

Right now, I feel like I could sleep for a year and still wake up tired.

Surely it is at least theoretically possible for me to actually catch up with the massive backlog of unprocessed medium term memories clogging up my head.

Honestly, I would just dump them all in an almighty purge into the river Lethe if I could. Just toss the lot of them and start over fresh.

Sure, I would forget a lot of stuff.

But it would all be stuff from my recent life, so fuck it, nothing interesting has happened to me lately anyhow.

It would be worth it in order to be able to think clearly for ones, and grab me some of that eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

I don’t know who I would be without all this junk lying around in my brain. It’s been there for as long as I can remember and I suspect that a lot of my congitive development has been influenced by the need to keep so much stored and suppressed all the time.

I mean, we’re not even going ot get into all the unprocessed emotion I have built up in this capacious noggin of mind.

Hmmm. I wonder if they are connected somehow. The memories remain unprocessed because I can’t process the emotions contained with them.

That seems highly plausible. I must ponder this further. I have a strong feeling that there is some important key to unlocking a lot of those memories in there somewhere.

Maybe that big ol’ purge is possible after all. Mighjt not be very fun while it happens but I would be ever so much better off afterwards.

This is getting very anal.

Well, if my feeling that I am oral-retentive is correct, then I never made it all the way through the anal stage of my development and therefore that is the stage I would have to complete in order to move on.

Given that I have been a slob for my whole life, with very little urge to clean and organize my life and my environment, the evidence for anal stage failure seems pretty damned solid, in my opinion.

I think being raped by a stranger at the age of 4 caused me to revert hard. Maybe without that, I would have turned out as a neater and more organized person.

I can feel the urges necessary within me. They just need to be unlocked. I definitely want my life to be more focused, organized, and directed. I just lack the wherewithal to make it that way.

More on this after the break.

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OK, I am back. Now where were? Oh, me and cleanign etc.

I can definitely feel the desire for more organization and order in my life. And the desire for things to be neater and cleaner and nicer.

Oh, what I would give to live someplace where everything is nice and there is nothing around that makes me feel sad or dirty or just plain grossed out.

I just don’t have what it takes to make that happen on my own. Not yet. I can feel my “nesting” urges coming, but the angle of approach is, by necessity, extremely oblique, and that means it’s going go take a long ol time.

I wish I was capable of sudden, radical change, but I seem to lack the capacity for that kind of transformation. Perhaps I am simply too timid and dull for sudden radical change of any kind.

Dang my stubborn psychological stability!

I’ll not get into it tonight, but just in passing : that capacity for transformation is something that I might have gotten out of religion, specifically Catholicism.

Being French-Canadian. if I had been raised in a religion, that would have been it.

Catholcism is full of imagery and precedent for the sort of spiritual transformation I seek. I would have had access to that capacity from a young age.

But alas, I am stuck in painful reality with no spiritual being to consult for comfort and guidance and no transcendental realm of perfection to strive towards and hope for.

It is far too late for me to adopt a religion now. That shit has to be installed when you are very young, and don’t have your ego and skepticism up and running yet.

I see religions for the group illusions that they are. And I don’t fault them for that. There are worse things than being a little delusional, especially if it give you comfort and strength in your hour of need.

Seems smarter than being a depressed atheist naked and alone in a comfortless world with only his wits to protect him.

And granted, I have a lot of wits.

But it’s not enough. It’s not nearly enough.

There is only so much comfort one can get by wallowing in one’s own cleverness and feeling of superiority over those who have been “fooled”.

Well who’s the real fool – the religious person who has all they need to lead a healthy, happy, well-adjusted life, or the atheist starving amidst plenty with nothing to comfort them but the knowledge that they are “right”.

My answer is truer than yours, shouts the atheist.

Yeah but mine works, replies the believer.

How can you be HAPPY when you know you are WRONG? screams the atheist.

I am right enough for me and my happiness, replies the believer.

There are more important things than happiness! screams the atheist.

No, says the believer. there really isnt.

And then they walk away.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.