Been having a sleepy day.

And for the most part, I’ve not been fighting it, and I am proud of that.

I mean, sure, it sucks to sleep all day, and my feisty nature make me want to defy it and fight to stay awake so I can actually experience the day, but that doesn’t actually help at all. It just means I will stay sleepy longer.

So I have been pretty much just giving in to the urge to sleep today. Clearly, that ol’ sleep debt has come due, and I am ready to pay up.

In fact, this time right now, when I have to be awake to blog and eat, is the first extended time I am fightting the sleepies today.

They hadn’t arrived when I had lunch. Lunch seems to have been what set them off, actually. Maybe I finally got enough of some nutrient or something.

Biochemistry is so weird.

And it’s been decent sleep. Not wonderful, by any means,. but a lot better than the zombifying sleep I have been getting lately.

I have even gotten some sleep that made me feel better and not worse after!

Mirable diablu, that.

Kidding aside, I can feel a certain deadly pressure in my mind easing with each nap. SO the rewards are tangible. It’s just a matter of quieting the irrationally stubborn and cranky voice in my mind that demands I stay awake just out of spite and defiance.

So uh…. shut up, ya dumb voice! Choose your battles!

That ought to do it.

Read a little more of The Phoenix Guards by Steven Brust and I am still left scratching my head as I look for the comedy. Like before, I still sense comedic intent, but no comedic content at all.

As far as I can tell. the jokes aren’t there, man.

It makes me feel like there is some kind of cultural assumption underlying the enjoyment of this work. And whatever it assues, I don’t have it.

The easy answer is that it assumes you have read the Three Muskateers. But that doesn’t seem like enough of an explanation.

After all, there is plenty of comedy that satirizes something but is still funny if you haven’t experienced said thing.

So it must be something a lot deeper than that. Some fundamental bit of cultural context that makes the comedy work for people who aren’t me.

And that’s most of you.

I can tell it will take me a while to fully process the shock of Maelkoth telling me he thinks the whole thing is hilarious. The primary shock has faded, but the issue at hand will linger on until I either figure out a way to make peace with it, or I give up and put the issue back on the shelf until next time.

The thing to hold on to is that people still find me and my writting funny as hell.

So I still have a highly valuable skill to sell to the word once I get it together enough to be able to present myself to the world.

I’m getting there.

More after the break.

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Hmmm.Well that nap did NOT make me feel better.

In fact, I would really prefer to still be in bed as I am quite sleepy. Sleep seems good to me on a near-erotic level.

But I must blog.

And by the time I finish blogging, it will be time to go hang with J&J and watch Daily Show and Colbert. So I won’t been in bed again for a while.

Hopefully I will perk up before then, or the next three and a half hours are going to be rather unpleasant for me.

Well I can always ask J&J if we can delay the watching so I can nap.

But still This ain’t fun.

I wish I had a cabin in the woods I could go to with all healthy foods already purchased and stay there for as long as it takes to get healthy.

Or even better, a clinic I could check into for medically supervised weight loss.

I am not that worried about my weight per se. I have been fat all my life. To say I am used to it by now would be a vast understatement.

But I feel so ill on so many levels and I am very sick of it. I want to clean up my act so I can feel good for a change.

That would take a serious context change though, I think. My life as it is now makes it way too easy to just keep coasting along to an early grave.

Honestly, I could use a change of scenery for mental health reasons too. Spending so much time atg this computer, surrounded by the same four walls,. is not good for me.

No wonder I have a sense of unreality. I’m practically in solitary confinement.

But I don’t have the strength to make a break. I feel so weak and tired all the time. I get exhausted even trying to imagine my escape from this lame lil life of mine.

Plus, of course, it would mean leaving my friends behind. Not entirely behind, necessarily, but by a fair bit.

Might be worth it to feel alive and excited by life, though. Like I did when I graduated from VFS. All rip roaring to go out there and take on that world and make it give me what I deserve. god dammit.

I deserve so much more than what I am getting. I am an astoundingly talented individual and I could make an enormous contribution to the world if I could only escape the gravity well of my depression.

I can’t get out by myself. That’s clear.

But I have no idea who could help me get out. I am sure it must be possible. But I am drawing a blank, probably because of that selfsame depression.

Who would be willing to help me get a job and my own place?

Who would take on that responsibility?

Who would be willing to lend me that much strength?

“Nobody!” whispers my depression.

But what the fuck does it know?

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.