I think I may be waking up.
By which I mean I think I may be forging an emotional connection to a lot of energy that has long lain dormant within me due to the depression.
So far, it’s mostly just made me a little jumpy and nervous.
But that’s only because I haven’t harnessed it yet. The next step, and it’s not a small one. is to raise my activity level accordingly.
And that will likely mean going beyond video games. They just don’t use enough of my energies. Quite soon, I will need a superior outlet.
:Like, for instance, making videos. Again. At last.
Or joining a political subReddit or two and joining the war of words against the forces of evil. Or launch a serious effort to write for Cracked.com via their open submissions.
Or hell, maybe actually apply for jobs in my field.
Stranger things have happened.
But there’s no big rush.I am happy to let things unfold as they please. I will stand back and watch the fires within me grow, secure in the knowledge that the time will come when I will know when it is time to take this shit to the next level.
The key thing to remember is that I don’t have to make this happen. It will happen on its own given enough time.
All I have to do is be ready to take that funky elevator to the next level when it arrives.
The other trick is to try to learn to let the energy buoy my mood. And that involves learning to gently release my barnacle-like grip on the ground and let myself float a little higher despite my terror of disappearing into the sky.
We’re not untying the balloon.
We’re just making the string a lot longer.
The secret is to let the light in. I know I talk a lot about being trapped in the cold and the dark but the truth is that I tend to hide from the light. I lock myself away because the light overstimulates me and that hurts.
But just like with real world light, the pain I feel when emerging from the dark into the light only lasts as long as it takes for my eyes to adjust.
And finally being warm and alive again is worth a little pain.
But it won’t be easy. Growth never is. It is a process of continual rebirth and being born is never an easy thing.
Still, I think I am ready to let this magic beanstalk take me wherever it wants me to go as it grows. There is nothing in my current life that is so precious to me that I would rather stay dead inside rather than leave it behind.
Not even video games. Who knows, maybe I will forswear them for a while. They have served their purpose .I could leave them behind.
More likely, though, is that I will keep playing video games a lot.
I will just add other stuff to my day.
No need to be so drastic and dramatic.
But then again…. maybe there is.
More after the break.
Well this is a switch
Usually, I feel crappy when writing the first half of my day’s blogging, and feel much better when writing the second half.
But I obviously felt great earlier today,.and now I feel pretty crappy.
The balance is maintained, I suppose.
The son also rises
One very positive sign that my energies are returning is that I have been horny as the proverbial fuck lately.
And that feels good. Being horny is a great source of the kind of id heat that I need. It’s something that makes me feel more awake and alive and connected to the world and excited about life.
Besides, jerking off is fun, gosh darn it.
Sadly, being horny all the time does not change the fact that due to my antidepressants and age, jerking off to completion remains rare and elusive.
Which is frustrating, and not just emotionally.
Right now, the only way my balls could be any bluer is if was a smurf.
That’s what happens when you keep starting the show but never reach the finale. My poor nuts are more backed up than mission critical data.
If I want to actually get off, I need to keep my hands out of the fun zone for awhile. Let the erotic energy build up along with my jizz. Tend that fire with tender loving care.
That’s how it’s been for me for over twenty years. I have to choose my time carefully if I want to actually cum.
Once a week is usually the best I can manage. And normally, that’s no big deal.
But when I am this freaking horny all the time, I can’t possibly keep my dick out of my hand for that long. I’d go crazy.
So I am doomed, it seems, to a lot of incomplete masturbation.
And like I have said before, I try to be cool with that. Accept that I am whacking off for the pleasure it brings and not to empty my nuts,necessarily.
Ejaculation is awesome but not necessary. Be more like a chick. That kind of thing.
But male sexuality doesn’t work like that. Everything about our sexual response cycle is about building to release. When release does not cum (hehe), we get super frustrated.
Still, I can learn to be somewhat more relaxed about it. Try to clear the previous spermless attempts from my mind as well as all thoughts of a goal or aim, and try to just enjoy the good feelings without any of that baggage.
Fair warning, though. If this fire in my taint doesn’t settle down soon, I am probably going to start posting porn here again.
I will try not to make them examples of one of me three fetishes (two of them illegal).
But there is a strong chance of sexy furry boys boinking each other in the near future.
After all, I have to express all this sexual energy somehow.
Of course, I could start writing porn instead….
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.