I may have leveled up this morning.
Basically, I have been getting these stabs of anxiety lately. They pop up when my mind is between things on the computer to concentrate on, and my usual response has been to dive head first into whatever the next thing is in order to escape.
Not smart but it “works”.
But this morning, for whatever reason, I decided to just let the damned thing hit me. Just opened my mind to the experience and let whatever wanted to happen, happen.
Well it turns out that what came on like anxiety was actually sadness. What happened was that I felt a wave of sadness and pain and so I cried.
And then felt a lot better.
I’ve said it before and now I am saying it again : men, cry. Do whatever you have to do to silence the imaginary male peer group waiting to make fun of you in your head – drive out to the middle of nowhere, or close all the windows and blinds, or put a hardcore action movie on and turn the volume up super loud, or whatever – only you know what will work – but get it done.
The relief you will feel will amaze you.
So yeah, I cried. And I am glad I did. Happened a couple more times too.
I am hoping that I can teach myself to let loose more often, at least when I am alone. After all, it’s not like I am heavily invested in projecting a macho image.
I’m a fancy fluffy faggot who is effusive and silly and sentiment who loves animals and cuddles and is in many way pretty darn female, and proud of it.
But I think it goes beyond that. I think we men end up alienated from our own emotions, even fluffy fags like me.
And the depression fucks with it too. There have been many times in my life when I wanted to cry but couldn’t. The emotions were frozen inside me and stuck in my throat and I could not make them thaw out.
So I ended up just swallowing them again.
That’s why whenever I have one of my infrequent breakdowns when something sad in media hits me just the right way, or when I end up writing something super sad about an old dog (for instance) and end up cryingmy eyes out the whole time, I always end up feeling so very grateful that it happened because it made me feel so much better.
Like I have said before, it’s kind of like throwing up, in that it is very unpleasant while it happens but you feel better after because you got rid of what was making you sick.;
Well, lesson learned. When I feel that shit coming on now, I am going to lean in and go with it. Heck, I might even try to bring it on.
Anything that speeds up the melting of that iceberg around my heart is a good thing.
Even if it kind of sucks at the time.
More after the break.
I deserve to suffer
Because suffering brings relief.
Been doing a lot more thinking about suffering and how the avoidance of one form of suffering can lead to way more suffering than the suffering being dodged.
There’s probably a much better, less sing-song repetitive was of phrasing that, but I am too tired to think of it, so you poor people are just going to have to suffer.
See what I did there?
Anyhow, I am through with such myopic thinking. Between desperately needing the release that suffering through my emotion pain brings and the joy I feel when I actual feel real feelings instead of hollow numbness, plus a tiny splash of my slight masochism, I am totally ready to bring on the suffering and pain and sadness and rage and all the other nasty bullshit I have been unconsciously collecting and concentrating in the dark laboratory of my mind and finally get this shit over and done with.
So bring it, motherfuckers. Come at me, demons. Take me down into my own personal hell. Stretch and chop me on your Ecrustean bed. Pierce, tear, and mangle every inch of my tormented flesh. Grind me up and spit me out.
I don’t care any more. Gimmie everything you got. I will eat it up with a spoon and then bang on the table demanding more.
Release the hounds. Apres maintenant, le deluge. Summon every demon in Hell for a Satanic Jamboree in my brain.
I want to burn it all.
I continue to play Assassin’s Creed : Black Flag,but the going is pretty rough because now I not only have to pilot the ship, I have to do it while also controlling all the weapons on my ship, and paying attention to what the enemy is doing, and also paying attention to the sea so I don’t run into an island, and so forth and so on.
And this kind of thing just ain’t my bag, baby.
And then I ended up getting a game called Rebel Galaxy where I have the exact same problem, only in space.
But damn do I love the music in the trailer.
My evil ways
In it, I have my own spaceship. And I have to pilot it. In battle. Battle that is a lot like naval battle, including being based around broadsides.
How did I end up in the same fix TWICE?
Oh well, the other games I got in that bundle will be nothing like that.
Speaking of which : one of the games is King’s Bounty, a game I thought seemed vaguely familiar but didn’t think I had played – I even checked my GOG.com, Steam, and uPlay accounts to see if I had it there and nerp.
But then I saw the logo and the logo looked SUPER familiar. So then I found some gameplay footage on YouTube and then I *finally* remembered the game.
So the combination of how many games I have played plus how my brain is slowing down with age has finally reached the point where I almost forget entire games, even ones I have played for many hours.
Oh well. Just means there are more new games for me to play than ever.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.