Took my sleeping pill, Mirtazipine, at around 8 am this morning,
Unsurprisingly, this led to me sleeping a whole lot. In fact, I have slept more or less the entire time since then and it”s now 2:30 pm, so I have clocked around six hours in the Land of Nod and I don’t feel like I am even halfway through,
So today should be fun.
The words ain’t exactly coming easy either. It’s very hard to stay focused on what is going on in the world of my computer (aka the real world LOL) and so my mind keep wandering off the reservation and making me chase after it with my lasso.
That got rustic fast.
At least it’s been relatively non-tortuous sleep so far. There’s still a feeling of having barely made it to shore after being wrecked at sea, but it’s not too bad.
Why, I barely dread going back to sleep after blogging at all.
If I had more energy, I might try getting on to the patio. Could be very pleasant to take a nap out there in the fresh air, as opposed to the toxic atmosphere here in my room.
But there’s so much crap everywhere in this freaking apartment that even getting to the patio door is like a freaking steeplechase.
So that’s probably not going to happen. God damn do I wish I could be rid of all of Joe’s hoard of stuff. If I had my way, we would given everything to Value Village except for the very small percentage we actually use.
That goes for my own belongings too. Fuck most of this garbage.
Maybe if I somehow got this room of mine all cleaned up, I would be able to sleep peacefully at night.
Sometimes, as patient readers know, I dream of leaving it all behind. Of cutting all ties with my current life and starting over again someplace where nobody knows me and I am free to reinvent myself.
Become reborn, Try a different version of being me. Probably someone a lot more emotional and egotistical and pushy.
Someone who is more of an asshole but also a lot more honest and genuine. Someone who actually does what his emotions tell him to do at least some of the time. Someone who feels comfortable in his own skin because he’s not constantly negating himself.
Someone who knows who he really is.
What an extraordinary thought.
Lost on the edge
An old problem has resurfaced lately :sitting lost on the edge of my bed.
It goes like this : when getting out of bed, in between laying down and getting up, there is a phase where I am sitting on the edge of my bed.
Normally, this is a brief transitional phase lasting a few seconds at most.
But sometimes, I just kind of…stop there. All momentum dies, all motivation flees me, and I end up just sitting there in this strange mental state of the doldrums for however long it takes for whatever mental process I am working on to finish so I can come back to myself and rejoin reality.
This can take as long as fifteen minutes or even half an hour.
As problems go, it’s not a big one. It’s not like it’s costing me productive time or anything.And it’s not like I have things to do at specific times very often. So there is very little actual harm done.
But it bothers me, or rather, the mystery of it bothers me. What is happening? And why? Why do I keep finding myself in this suspended state? What deep need is being fulfilled via this odd weightless funk?
Because let me be clear : during this state, I am not thinking thoughts. Internal monologue has ceased. Words are not being formed.In many ways it is a very primal state of mind, like that of a pre-verbal child.
And it certainly feels like I am….processing something. Like there is something so profound going on in the deep layers of my mind that my little conscious mind can do little except watch without comprehension.
What is really going on,I think, is a waking dream state. Odds are very good that if I am getting up, I have recently been asleep.
And am not good at sleep. My sleep is troubled, fretful, and disturbed. So it is entirely possible that I wake up and sit up when I am in the middle of an REM cycle and my mind still has a bunch of dreaming it needs to do.
This thought comforts me somewhat. At least I am getting something done. I still don’t like feeling helpless and disconnected when all this happens, and I suppose if I had my druthers I would still be asleep when this all happens, but if I have to slip into an involuntary bizarre mental state from time to time, this is as least a pretty mild one.
After all, it’s not like I am hallucinating or anything. I’m just….not quite there.
And I know what the cause is :not taking my sleeping pill. No pill means shallow, brief sleep which means not nearly enough deep REM time which means a backlog in the medium term memory where memories wait to be processed via dreaming.
If that backlog gets bad enough, the deep mind simply takes over from my silly little conscious mind and forces me to get that dreaming done no matter what.
And thank goodness for that. My conscious mind is very clever but not very practical. If everything was left entirely up to it, the garbage would never get taken out, the phone bill would never be paid, and the dirty dishes would pile up till they reached the sky.
Which brings us back to the sleeping pill, and how all I have ever wanted from one was for it to be strong enough to thump my chattering monkey brain senseless so that I can get some god damned sleep for once.
Turns out he’s a very strong little monkey, though, and so far, nothing I have tired has managed to help me fight him very much.
All they do is keep him down once he’s down.
Still better than nothing.
But I wish I had something to fight him for me.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow,.