My stomach can be so impatient!
I made lunch. I am sitting down to eat it. Food is moments away. But my stomach is giving me rapid fire hunger pangs like it’s trying to transmit my life story via telegraph.
I’m frickin’ doing it already! Relax!
Still feeling agitated.
Makes it hard to focus on things. Even playing video games, which is normally what I use to keep my mind busy and thus keep the anxiety away.
It’s a treatment, not a cute. DEFINITELY not a cure.
Forgot I was going to take a Mirtazipine this morning. By the timeI remembered, it was too late in the day. Would have really fucked up my already aberrant sleep cycle.
Human beings are not suppose to get their sleep in 1.5 hour naps. We need sustained sleep in order to get to those very deep REM cycles that complete the difficult task of integrating the day’s events into long term memory.
But you probably knew that already.
So I have to go back on the pill, but like I said yesterday, I don’t wanna. Having to fight to stay awake scares me. I feel like my body is trying to kill me.
And considering my sleep apnea, it kind of is.
I get the feeling that if I was rich, there would be a whole wing of my mansion that was identical bedrooms with identical beds so that when I woke up and didn’t want to go back to my sweaty messed up bed, I could go sleep somewhere else.
Then again, maybe they should all be different so that they feel like different places.
I would have to experiment.
The agitation keeps trying to make me freaked out and anxious and occasionally succeeds for a moment or two.
I keep getting that feeling like there is something terribly important that I should be doing. Or that I am in terrible danger, like something is hunting me.
Eh, whatever. I know it’s just my life energies trying to find a pathway via which to express themselves. A deep part of me desperately wants to burst into the world like a beloved sitcom character who gets a round of applause from the studio audience when they show up for the first time in an episode.
Right now, there is still too great a burden of depression in the way. But I am busy digging away at it and lately it’s been feeling lighter than ever, so we will see.
Whatever happens, I will just keep making it through the day and doing my best to convalesce and trying my damnedest to head for the light.
Even though that means repeatedly heading back into the darkness.
Well, like my buddy Nietzsche said, to overcome yourself, you must go under.
Speaking of whom, I am having trouble finishing my project of reading my entire Portable Nietzsche cover to cover, largely because by now I am pretty god damned sick of the guy,
And yet, every time I think I have finally had enough of his petty bullshit and bathetic egoisms and such, suddenly he is deeply wise and insightful again.
He’s such a high maintenance friend!
More after the break.
Like, right now I am reading a section of The Antichrist where Nietzsche talks about “the psychology of the redeemer”, by which he means Jesus as a person as He is depicted in the Gospels.
And despite his fiery atheism he is surprisingly sympathetic to Jesus In fact, at times he seems to have a great affection and admiration for “the redeemer”.
He (in my opinion) sees Jesus as a truly gentle, innocent person who disliked putting walls between people so much that he would rather “turn the other cheek” than raise a hand against evil men.
But what really got me was when he talked about how what Jesus wanted was to show the world another way of living – his way. But instead of following Him, they worshipped him instead, all while doing all the divisive and petty things he clearly hated.
And I had been thinking along those same lines before even reading this section.I have this scene in my head where as it starts Jesus is just finishing a parable, and the people listening are like, “Wow, you’re so awesome!”.
And Jesus is like, “Thank you! So, you’re going to do the thing I just said right?”
The worshipers, eyes aglow with adoration, nods slowly. “Uh huh. Because you are so very very cool. ”
And Jesus is like, “Good. Because that’s what I am trying to teach you. How to live life a different way. The way of peace. ”
Glassy eyed nods.
Jesus leaves, and the worshipers look at each other, beatific, and talk about what an awesome person Jesus is, and someone asks what it was Jesus said.
And of course, none of them know. They were not listening. Listening is hard. You have to pay attention and remember stuff.
Adoring Jesus is way easier.
Put that one in my “paranoid messiah” file.
Because I have given a lot of thought to how a potential messiah figure (me, for example) could actually make things better via their teachings in a way that could not be corrupted by repeated reinterpreted to suit whatever people want to do anyhow.
And it’s pretty much impossible. The fact that Christianity lost all connection to the actual words of Jesus almost immediately is proof of that.
No matter what you say, people will just do what they wanted to in the first place. You can’t make your teachings into some kind of unbreakable contract that makes it literally impossible for people to be shitty to one another.
They will continue to eye the exit and only pretend to pay attention until you either finally give up and let them go or they do it the minute your back is turned.
Either way, moral restraint has failed.
Your best hope would be to create a culture that embodies your teachings. Work your beliefs into the very foundation of said culture. Hope your culture lasts.
And even then, they will probably start killing and raping one another before long.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.