The good news is that my dizziness has mostly dissipated. I still feel a tiny bit wobbly and I certainly wouldn’t want to try tightrope walking across Niagara Falls right now, but I am past the point where I feel like there’s an ocean in my head.
So no trip to the ER for me,or at least, not yet. Seeing as I don’t know what brought it on n the first place, nor do I know why it went away, I have no idea if it will be back.
But for now, the seas are calm at last.
Thank frickin’ God for that.
Finished Assassin’s Creed : Brotherhood a little while ago.
Another great game I loved playing. Didn’t quite liberate all of Rome yet, but it’s still an option. I haven’t uninstalled the game yet.
At the very least, I will finally journey to the southernmost part of Roma and find out what the heck is down there.
I mean, I doubt I’ll find orgies or dragons or dragon orgies, but it will nice to know.
The next game in the series is Assassin’s Creed : Revelations, which completes the Ezio Auditore arc and lets me travel around the world (I think) looking for the techno-mystic magic seals that will save the world from a solar apocalypse,maybe.
I dunno. The over-arching “real world” plot of this whole arc is pretty vague. Which is to be expected when it’s told in these brief snatches of the sci fi plot that occasionally happen in between long stretches of being Ezio.
My friend Maelkoth says Revelations is quite forgettable. Not terrible, but not much to it and very padded.
On the other hand, I like to complete what I start.
Which is a nice way of saying I feel a strong compulsion to finish what I start.
And whilst I have been trying to defy my compulsions lately, this iteration of them seems harmless enough, I suppose.
When it comes to fighting one’s compulsions, you have to pick your battles, I think.
And speaking (sorta) of my tortured mental state….
Good day sunshine
Today’s my first full day of taking the pressure off myself and living just for fun.
Fuck ambition, fuck expectations, fuck pressure, fuck beating myself up for wasting my life, fuck all of it.
All that matters now is living a life I enjoy, with no preconceived notions that I am trying to impose upon myself in order to feel like I am in control.
Because I’m not. Obviously. If I was in control, I would be getting the outcomes I want.My life would reflect my desires.
So guess what? I ain’t controlling shit.
I can feel my mind wanting to go back to its previous shape like it has so many times before. I have told myself that there is no “should” and that I need to forgive myself for how I have lived and all that jazz a dozen times now, and all got out of it was feeling better for a while but then slowly backsliding to the same bad head trip we know and loathe all over again.
Well not this time, at least, not yet. I am going to forge a whole new mode of existence for myself, one that fits me better, and that is final.
Oh. And I bought Revelations. It’s downloading right now.
More after the break.
Dizziness on the rise
Well this shit’s getting old.
Now I’m roughly as dizzy as I was last night. Once more, when I got up to make dinner around 7:10 pm or so, I felt a surge of dizziness that retracted immediately like a flash flood but that left large puddles of dizziness behind.
So once more, I got an ocean in my head, just sloshing around in there. Fun.
Pretty sure it is some kind of sinus fluid buildup. That is the primary mechanism It only seemed like it might be cerebrovascular in nature because when fluid is splooshing around in your skull, parts of the brain might get a tad squished.
Unlike yesterday, I am pretty sure I can rule out dehydration. I am quite well hydrated at the moment. So I don’t think that is a factor.
I performed the Bertrand Dizziness Test to confirm that I was, in fact, dizzy.
It’s a very simple test. I just stand up and stand still. If that is no problem, I am not dizzy.
But if I constantly have to make adjustment to compensate like I am a drunken sailor trying to cross the deck of a ship in a hurricane, I am definitely dizzy.
Kind of like my test to see if I am shaking : I pick up a piece of paper. If it rattles or makes any other kind of noise like that, I am shaking.
I tested positive for dizziness. Dammit.
Doing good while feeling bad
Another challenge to my new, pressure free psychological regime : how to handle myself when I feel very crappy.
I get that feeling bad doesn’t make me bad. Or rather, my great big juggernaut of of a rational mind knows it.
But the thing about feeling crappy is that it makes the world seem hostile because everything you do hurts.
And when you feel like the world hates you right now, it’s hard not to feel like it must have a pretty good reason.
If you are being punished, it is because you are being bad. That is basic human programming. You must be a bad person.
And I know the attitude I want. And I am getting there.
I want to have the attitude that greets feeling shitty with a yawn and a shrug and a muttering of “Oh great, this shit again.” and that’s it.
Like I have said many times before, treat it like bad weather. Sure, it’s unpleasant, but it too shall pass and in the meantime I can wait it out.
But that’s hard to remember when I wake up feeling like crap. I am very emotionally vulnerable when freshly awake and the rational capacity to straighten myself out and keep things straight in my head hasn’t shown up for work yet.
Still, I am getting better at it.
I think the next step is to hate the world, not myself.
That sounds a lot healthier.
I will talk to you nic people again tomorrow.