Just for a change of pace, let’s talk about how hard it is to be this smart.
It leads to a number of conflicts in the mind.
Like the conflict between my genuine desire to love everybody and respect everyone and get along with every person on Earth, and the undeniable and inescapable fact that compared to me. most people are children.
Intellectually, that is. I am a lot more childlike than most adults on many other levels. In fact, in some ways, I never made it past the age of around 11 or 12.
How could have matured past that when I cut myself off from both the world and my instincts at such an early age.
Because I thought I knew better.
But I didn’t know shit.
Hence my image of myself as a giant anthropomorphic brain in diapers. A bizarre anmd disturbing image. I suppose,. but it really encapsulates how uneven my mental and emotional development has been,.
And how helpless I feel. I have all these smarts and yet I can do almost nothing with them because I have so little else going for me.
Plus I’m crazy. Hemmed in by fear that acts like the restraints Alex wears in A Clockwork Orange when he’s being forced to watch the videos.
Don’t look around, keep your eye on your screens, and pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, he’s just your depression holding you hostage ad infinitum.
Anyhow, back to my intellectual gigantism.
This conflict between my intellectual stature and my desire to get along with people and see them as equals also informs my lack of respect for authority.
To me, it’s always been perfectly clear that authority is largely arbitrary and voluntary and so I have felt no inherent need to obey it… or disobey it, for that matter.
I go where I want to and do what I think is right and that’s it.
This lead to what might have been my most socially damaging aberration : I talked to teachers and other authority figures like they were equals.
But never in a snotty or disrespectful way. Even though that might have been a lot of fun. But even when I was openly defying my teachers, I was polite.
This put me in the awkward position of making people- teachers. stidents, and staff alike- super pissed off with me and dearly wanting to hurt me but never giving them a reason to do so.
No wonder they didn’t like me or want anything to do with me. Like I have said before., I might actually have gotten along with people better if I had copped a major attitude and been arrogant and sarcastic and all the rest.
At least then, there would have been conflicts and arguments and people would have had their shot to put me in my place.
It wouldn’t have worked. A lot of people, even with my friendly attitude, have tried to take me down a peg, and so far my peg ain’t move at all.
But at least people would have had their shot.
More after the break.
No man’s land
Been messed up by napping through sunset again.
I gotta stop doing this. I feel very fried right now. Totally out of it. I am evben swaying back and forth slightly as I type these words.
And this is what happens when I get good sleep. The kind with lots of REM activity. The kind that is closer to actually being normal and healthy.
This is how the Universe punishes me for doing the healthy thing for once.
Ergo, I am feeling pretty lost right now. I wander aimlessly through the shadows of my mind, which are pretty thick and dark right now.
Occasionally, I remember who I am and what I am doing, and wander back to reality to type another cluster of words.
Then I wander off again. Not because I want to but because I can’t stop it. I am being carried away by the current.
Yes, we’ve switched metaphors to something water based. Sorry.
This sensation is kind of like being some kind of subaquatic plant. The kind that is rooted in the seafloor, not the floating kind.
The sea swirls around me in fickle currents, and I sway and twirl with it. I stay anchored to reality but the sea is always trying to dislodge me.
So I dig my roots in even deeper. Clinging to the last remaining shred of sanity and stability life the desperate umbilicus.
What did you do today? Jujst like every other day. Spent it not going crazy Takes up most of my time and effort.
No wonder I can’t get anywhere in life.
But something I do wonder if I would be better off if I just let the sea take me where it wants me to go.
Cast off my anchor and see where life takes me. After all, I might not be a plant at all.
Maybe I’m a fish who temporarily thought he was a plant, and I can let go and swim the ocean blue any time I want.
No word a lie, that idea scares the shit out of me.
That’s the real reason I cling so hard. It’s better., says the dark part of my mind, to tstay here in my stagnant and diseased puddle, than have to face the the mind shattering task of trying to figure out what the fuck to do with myself.
The possibilities are endless. Like all my childhood media told me, I can be and do anything I want!
Great. What do I want again? Because I have no idea.
When I try to figure it out, my mind just barfs out static and confusion and panic. I am far too bound up inside in trying to figure out what is safe to want.
My true self has yet to speak up on the subject. Or much of anything else.
So all I can do is go primal id. What do I want? Food and sex. I want to go to a buffet of food and cocks and see if I can stuff both ends at the same time.
So um, start arranging that, Universe.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.