Trying not to get bummed out about having to face three long hot months of summer.
As long as I remember to step up my hydration, I should be OK. As long as I keep sweating, I can keep cool.
I haven’t pumped up my water intake enough yet. It will take a little time. I’ve spent the last nine months with the hydration stakes being much, much lower, after all.
Kinda like how it always takes a bit of time to adjust to not needing a coat when I go out. For a little while, I will suddenly wonder where my coat is. Oh no, I lost it!
No…. no…. you didn’t bring it. Calm down. It’s summer.
Lost my keys
My S, Q, and X keys are still not working.
And it’s still a pain in the ass. Beats having the whole thing scrambled but still.
And the download time issue seems to have resolved itself, which is nice It was driving me nuts to think that I would not be able to download stuff off of Steam any more.
Threaten my video games, will you? Now that’s hitting me where it hurts the most : my hopeless video game addiction.
Why, without video games, I might have to do things. Actual things! With all the overstimulation and overwhelm and anxiety that brings.
I really am a fragile little flower, aren’t I? Sigh.
No wonder I am so scared of life. I have spent so much time away from it that I am no longer strong enough to handle it. If I ever was.
I have my doubts.
And it all boils down to that god damned escapism. It’s my real worst addiction : giving up and running away.
I have so little experience with hanging in there and staying in the fight until I win. Or at least lose honorably.
But no. I instantly give up and when I give up, I give up forever.
Take my sleep apnea. I have a CPAP machine. I’ve had one for over a decade. It just sits there gathering dust because I had one bad experience with it and that apparently means I can’t even touch the damned thing again.
Result : I continue to smother in my sleep dozens of times an hour and that is very bad for my heart and my lungs and pretty much everything else.
So even if I get my diabetes under control, I will still have sleep smothering to deal with.
And I just feel so weak and fragile and small all the time. It makes it hard to even imagine doing the sorts of things I would need to do to get myself out of the doldrums and into real life.
It’s all I can do to keep my head above water these days.
I need to figure out what makes me feel stronger and get me lots of that.
There has to be some way to pull myself together and strive.
I don’t want to live in this dead zone any more.
More after the break.
Life is shit
Yeah, I am back at the “nihilistic rage” setting on my mood dial again.
Because I just hate everything and everybody right now. Everything is stupid, the world is shit, life is worthless and doomed, and everything hurts.
But then again, the world still has amazing stuff like this in it, so it can’t be all bad :
I had no idea that song was by Stevie Wondere until it came up in my recommended videos just now.
I just knew it as “that incredible song from the end credits of Sing”.
Makes perfect sense, though. Only a musical genius like him could produce something that moves like that.
Makes me wanna shake my jumbo sized butt and sing along.
And doesn’t Ariana Grande look awesome in that video? Like the queen of the city streets going on promenade to spread beauty and joy to her people.
And all while looking nerdy AF. So damn hot.
And I love that huge gospel sting at the end. Holy crap is that sweet, and the perfect ending for the song.
It just increases my awe for the enormity of Stevie wonder’s talent.
It’s his world, man. We’re just living in it.
So thanks, YouTube algorithm. You algorithms get a bad rap these days, with people talking trash about how they “aren’t just trying to chase some algorithm” with their content, but this time you gave me eactly what I needed.
Me, I’d be happy to chase an algorithm. Because I know that even with that restriction, whatever I make will be fucking AMAZING, and making the algorithm happy would just ensure it made as many people happy as possible.
And, ya know, bring me beaucoup de bucks. Which would be nice.
Hell, if I had enough money, I could just hire people to take care of me and do stuff for me and I wouldn’t need to feel so helpless and weak.
Bet I would get really bossy, though. Because when you can only do things through others, and said others are your employee(s), you end up expressing your frustration at your helplessness by hyper-controlling said others.
I totally get how people end up being the sort of person who flips out because their assistant brought them the wrong bottled water.
Because I guarantee that is not the only seemingly simple thing that somebody screwed up for that spoiled celeb that day.
And you tell them exactly what you want. And then you get something else. What the FUCK is wrong with people?!?
The truth, of course, is that doing exactly what you are told to do exactly how you are told to do it is actually really frigging hard.
There’s a reason the armed forces has to work so hard to train soldiers to do it.
Anyhow, that’s my ramble for the evening.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.