The trash fire, that is. Turns out I got way more trash to burn than I thought.
I’ll jut shovel it on top and keep going, then.
Wake me up inside
Mandatory video link :
I am well and truly sick of living in the cold and the dark.
It’s all about the numbness. That deadly chill that detroys everything alive inside me is just a manifestation of the neurochemical reality of my incredibly overactive parasympathetic nervous system seeking and destroying all my adrenaline.
Result : midnight tundra abounds. And I wander endlessly over its frozen plains, naked and alone and scared and abandoned to my fate by a world that never wanted me in the first place and doesn’t have a place for me even now.
Guess I’ll have to make my own. . Even if I have to hack it from the permafrost myself.
Being dead inside is a lousy way to deal with anxiety. Maybe one cause the other : anxiety burns out certain receptors in the brain and the lack of input from those dead receptors i what makes someone like me feel so cold and dead inside.
Part of the reason I throw myself into these enormous emotional expectorations periodically, besides simple catharsis, is that a deep part of my mind is desperately trying to jump start my flatlining amygdala and get omething like a full and normal emotional cycle going for once.
Instead of this deep storage morgue of a mind I have which allows my superconducting brain to operate at peak efficiency but at the small cost of killing me.
Live organism can’t think like I do, I guess. Only us zombie brains can do it.
Does this mean I would have to give away all my magic gifts in order to finally be able to walk in the sun? I hope not.
I don’t know who I am without those gifts. They are all I have to offer the world. When you grow up gifted, the only way you can make peace with how weird this makes you compared to your classmates is to, on some level, decide it’s the GOOD kind of weird, the kind that makes you special in a GOOD way, and that means you end up identifying with those gifts pretty strongly.
I must have other assets. A kind and gentle personality, for instance, and great charisma and charm, and those have nothing to do with how smart I am.
Pretty sure that, without the magnum sized IQ, I would have ended up being a salesman or product rep or the like.
But deep down, I feel like my intellectual gifts are the justification for my existence and without them I would not deserve to live.
Harsh, I know. But true nevertheless.
And I know I am capable of great things. Things nobody else could ever do, things most people wouldn’t even consider possible, and they aren’t…. for them.
But I’m more than a little magical, and someday, my spells will dazzle the entire world.
I just have a lot of psychological bullshit to shift before I get there.
Anyone want to pic k up a shovel and help?
More after the break.
Wahed ashore, barely alive
I hate it whensleep fucks me up like this.
Because I feel truly bloody awful right now. I feel dizzy and naseous and terribly disoriented and my whole body ache in a rather wprrying way and overall I feel like I wasjhed asho0re after a particularly nasty shipwreck and now I have collaped on ome lonesome beach and I couldn’t move even if omething was trying to eat me.
That turned weird at the end.
I know what the problem is. I am dehydrated AF. Despite my warnings to myself, my hydration has in no way kept up with the increased demand brought on by summers’ heat and now I am reaping what I so stupidly sowed.
In an attempt to rectify the situation, I’ve gone through about 1.5 L of water in less than five minutes. Just drank it all down in big fat gulps like it was nothing.
That pretty uccinctly verifie my dehydration diagnosis. Problem is, now I need to get u to get more water and I really don’t feel up to it.
I will nurse this can of diet A&W root beer for now, and hope it give me the trength I need to get my ass to the bathroom and back for a refill from the sink.
This will involve once more ignoring my clogged toilet because I am too tired and messed up to do the necessary plunging.
My life is so fun. And filled with so much dignity and pride.
Blogging like this is about all I can manage at the moment. And even doing that makes me feel like I am trying ot ice kate uphill against a headwind.
But I carry on. Must do words. Keep on typing. Collapse later.
It was the trip to the kitchen and back that really did me dirty. When I woke up, I was already feeling really shitty, but I forced myself to go to the kitchen to grab an apple and a can of pop anyway.
Kind of wish I had gone with my first instinct and just stuck with whatever food I have lying around in my bedroom because that little trip made thing much, much worse.
Dammit, I hate it when my worse instincts turn out to be right. It’s not fair! I am uppoed to be rewarded for doing the right thing, not punished.
I mean. doesn’t the universe know anything?
Don’t make me ask to see the manager!
But that’s the thing : life ain’t fair because there’s nothing to MAKE it fair. There is no natural justice in the universe.
That means that if we want life to be fair, we have to make it that way ourselves.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.