Feeling cranky again, this tine from the pain and dizziness associated with getting up and getting my food together so I can eat lunch.

At 5:30 PM. Le sigh.

I guess I am jut getting sick and tired of being sick and tired again. My life is so much harder than it used to be and I can’t always stop myself from thinking about that.

That’s a shitty way to go through life anyhow, “dealing” with things by just not thinking about them. I am better off if the things I need to deal with make pests of themselves until I gave them their due.

I’m positive that’s how it works for people with normal emotions.

Normal, healthy emotions, with instincts and drives that compel them to do things they might not understand or be able to justify but which contributes to their development a whole, healthy human beings.

You know. Weirdos like that.

The very idea of doing things without knowing why blows my mind. I recognize it as often being the smarter way to go in terms of healthy development and yet I still cannot imagine myelf doing it.

I have never been able to accept “just because” as an answer.

It’s all part of the curse of needing things to make sense.

Wanting things to make sene sounds sensible on the surface of it but it is actually brutally limiting because it means you can’t learn things until you understand them.

And a lot of very important things just don’t work that way. They have to be absorbed first and then understanding comes later, when you have digested the info.

This includes a hell of a lot of lessons about how to live. There are a lot of people in the world who aren’t nearly as “smart” as I am who nevertheless know a hell of a lot that I don’t because they know how to be happy.

They know how to take care of themselves on an emotional level and that is precisely because they act on their emotions without having to understand why.

That way. their souls can get their needs met directly, without the god damned stupid rational mind asking a lot of inane and unhelpful questions.

Some people know better than me. And they can’t always prove it. Wisdom and articulacy do not necessarily coincide.

I feel like I have gone about everything wrong in my 50 years minus a day. My whole pseudo-rational outlook was fundamentally flawed and the fact that it took me this long to realize that is just proof of how wrong my entire mindset has been.

And still is, really. I’m working on it.

It’s such a hard transition to make. Makes the idea of abandoning wisdom and becoming another obnoxious egotistical intellectual on the internet instead seem appealing, in a tongue in cheek way.

“I’m incredibly angry for reasons I utterly refuse to examine and instead blame it all on… um… that guy. ” Points to random person in crowd. “SCREW YOU, THAT GUY!”.

More after the break.

Oh right, more words

Guess it’s time to make with the word again.

I don’t mind admitting I’m not feeling it right now. All I really want to do is go back to lying down in the dark with the fan pointed at my forehead and some New Age relaxation type music off of YouTube playing on the tablet so I can mellow out.

Ya know, stuff like this :

Finally, someone realized that the boringness of New Age music had a therapeutic use!

That’s only half a joke. If the above “music” was actually interesting, it might keep you awake because you’d be waiting for the next good bit.

But you know there is no good bit coming. It will be the same slow progression of chords with just enough variation to keep it from bing predictable throughout.

And some of these vids run for over 10 hours!

Nobody could possibly sit there at their synthesizer keyboard,. slowly and regularly changing which note they are holding down, for ten hours.

I give it three hours tops and that would require some truly outstanding weed.

So there has to be a major amount of copying and pasting involved. It’s not like average listener will notice if it’s the same exact 20 minutes of chords repeated over and over.

The very act of listening closely enough to notice that would render the listener’s mind too flaccid and mellow to care.

Kidding aside, I am uite fond of the stuff. It helps me get to sleep, or to that near sleep state I keep trying and failing to explain to people where I am completely relaxed and not really taking input from my environment and my breathing is regular and in all ways I am apparently asleep…. but I am, in fact, still slightly awake.

It’s like if sleep was the surface of a pond, I am a bug hovering right above it.

I wonder if I developed this strange ability as a way for my mind to get some of the benefits of sleep, especially the physical ones, without having to put itself through the trauma of my sleep apnea.

For the likes of me, sleep taketh away more than it giveth a lot of the time.

It is a lovely state of being, anyhow. Extremely mellow and relaxed and groovy. tenion jut melts right off me and when I emerge from this state I feel refreshed.

It can only go so far, though. The body might feel better but the brain still needs its REM cycles so I am still going to need some actual sleep.

And that means getting my ass kicked by sleep apnea yet again.

I need a way to sleep without having to breathe. Or a way to breathe in my sleep without having to strap a mask to my face and trust it to keep me breathing.

I still get the cold sweats just trying to imagine trusting that fucking thing again.

I am so programmed against myself.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.