I am deeply into Dragon Age : Inquisition.

There’s just so much content in it! Dozens of regions, each full of quests and plot points and monuments to find and resources to claim and enemies to fight.

Plus there’s this character who is your chief scout and she greets you every time you go to a new region and gives you a quick run-down of the salient details.

You know, what the region’s like, what its plotline is, who to kill, and so on.

Touristy details like that.

And I find I am beginning to really like that head scout. She’s so friendly and informative. I look forward to seeing her when I go somewhere new.

If only the real world had nice, friendly, well-informed people to greet me when I enter new and unfamiliar places full of strangers.

Might help with the social anxiety. A lot.

Anyhoo, I got so into playing DA:I this afternoon that I completely lost track of time when when I finally emerged from my state of suspended animation long enough to look at a clock, it was almost 4 pm and time to get my lunching and blogging done.

Which was a bit of an issue because the moment I stopped playing the game, I sagged into feeling very tired and sleepy.

But I was not willing to delay the blogging et al. Discipline is repetition. The more you do something, the easier it is to do. If you start letting things slip, you are only betraying yourself by breaking the pattern you’ve established.

And ultimately undermining your sense of your own reliability.

So I went and got my food and came back to Mister Computer (mark 2) and sat down to gather my second wind and get to work.

And I am proud of that. A previous version of me would have said, “Oh, well, under the circumstances, delaying my meal and blogging for an hour so I can take a nap is not that big of a deal, right?”

But it is, Former Me. It’s a huge deal. You are injuring yourself in a deep and terrible way. You just can’t see it yet.

And Lord knows I need things that are regular and reliable in my life. Like I have said many times before, I have done a terrible job of being my own keeper, and if I want to feel better about myself, I have to be better to myself.

And that’s so hard to do. I have all this red hot angry energy which I cannot externalize and therefore which can only vent internally and end up scorching me.

In other words, I can only attack myself. And I do that a LOT.

They say depression is anger turned inwards.

Well it sure as heck is for me.

And that means that in order to stop the constant self-abuse, I have to find something else to do with all that anger, and that’s a huge problem because I absolutely refuse to take it out on anyone else.

And I have no idea where else to put it. Obviously, the best solution would be to not have the anger in the first place, but that is not an option and never was.

I have been hurt so much in life and I have never had an acceptable way to vent the anger that pain brought me that I have a massive backlog of rage to deal with.

And I don’t know how to deal with it. I can’t shake the feeling that if I was to start trying to express it, the sheer energy density of it all would cause a massive explosion that would explode my brain.

Or at least my sanity.

There’s just so much of it. I don’t know what to do.

Anyone need some inchoate rage? It’s free!

More after the break.

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It was kind of a hobby

The ease with which I completely give up on things is beginning to disturb me.

I mean, it’s not right, and it’s not normal, and it might not even be sane/

Take all those AI generated pictures I made with Easy Diffusion. I was really enjoying doing that. Even the pics that were NOT porn.

Made that one with the Microsoft Designer generator. All it took was a prompt that was something like “two bears cuddled up in bed together”, and presto.

What an amazing tool. What a magical technology. What unlimited possibilities.

I haven’t so much as glanced in its direction for more than a month.

Now part of that is because my “new” computer crashes when I try to run Easy Diffusion (the software I used to make all that porn) processes. Not every time, but often enough to make it feel like it’s not worth it.

Working on that problem, by the way. According to the Tom’s Hardware forum guy, my power supply is “not good”, so that’s the next thing I will upgrade.

That will have to wait until the next Deposit Day, which is a week from Wednesday.

I can’t frigging wait. This five week month stuff sucks shit.

Anyhow, it started with that problem, but I could have gone on making practically anything (G-rated) I could think off with the Microsoft website.

But that’s too wide open for me. I guess I need structure. Constantly trying to convince Easy Diffusion to make the porn I wanted gave me focus.

But “make whatever you want” does not.

I did make this, though.

I saw this pic and immediately loved the guy. I mean, I bet his jokes are terrible – pea sized brain and all – but you still gotta love him.

Oh, and I made this.

That’s where shit starts to get spooky, dunnit? It doesn’t quite look perfectly real, but it could plausibly be an inexpert Photoshop.

Oh, and one last thing.

Pic posted to reassure you that being unable to make porn does not mean that I am not still a deeply disturbed individual.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.