Tonight’s the night I go for my first of two MRI scans at VGH’s Blackmore Pavilion.[1]
Not looking forward to it. Glad I had the forethought and chutzpah to get me some Ativan to take to ease my nerves.
Hopefully, the drug will keep my claustrophobia at bay long enough for them to do their 45 minute scan. of, I think, my head and shoulders region.
Scanning for dandruff, no doubt. Ha ha ha.
If the drug can keep my adrenaline response tamped down enough, I think my built in self control and/or self-discipline will take care of the rest.
Ideally, I will just lay there in the machine lost in my own thoughts for a while. Tonight, the procedure will be around 45 minutes, maybe slightly less.
And I really hope it goes well because the one on Friday night is double that., 90 minutes, and that seems like death to me right now.
So, three cheers for Ativan. Without it, I would simply have to refuse to do it.
And I would hate to have to do it. I don’t want to be a “difficult” patient. My shy and accommodating nature cringes at the thought of it.
But phobias don’t negotiate. My claustrophobia is immune to reason and logic and rational restraint. I know full well that I am not in any danger, the walls are not closing in on me, and I am not about to be smothered.
My adrenaline response, however, doesn’t listen to any of that rationalist bullshit. This is the part of us that keeps us alive in the wild, and it knows that it is better to run from something that isn’t dangerous than to fail to run from something that is. so it defaults to sounding all the alarms when the right (or wrong) stimulus occurs.
Essentially, our bodies are built to assume that our rational mind is too stupid to know when to run from danger (or fight, or fuck, or whatever) so our instincts are hardwired in to our motivation center so that when the shit goes down, it can take over and run the show, leaving the rational being we think of as ourselves helplessly relegated to the sidelines, where it can only gape.
Oh fuck. I am intellectualizing again. I need some sort of alarm that goes over whenever I start lecturing instead of venting.
Anyhow, back to the MRI machine.
I don’t have much experience with these modern fast-acting anti-anxiety meds. I understand that they can be extremely effective in keeping the panic at bay, and I have wanted to have some around for quite some time now.
Mostly to act as a kind of security blanket for when I decide it is time to exit my teeny tiny comfort zone and try to expand my world a little.
I am never going to get anywhere in life if my fears keep calling the shots. Ativan might just be the key to having the actually positive social interactions that can overwrite those old old bad tapes of mine with critical new information.
Like that I am perfectly safe. That’s an important update.
So it would be real nice if it turned out that Ativan really does work for me and I could maybe use it in the future for other, less medically imposing situations.
I know that Doctor Costin will give me more if I ask. He knows I can be trusted. I have been his very slow to change patient for more than a decade. He knows the score.
Well, it’s time for me to rest up.
More after the break.
Reluctantly crouched at the starting line
Yeah, i know I already linked this recently.
It’ a little under an hour till we depart for my VGH MRI, and I am not happy.
For one thing, I should totally be eating, but I’m not. I can’t. I am too agitated to eat. My appetite is gone and my every instinct is telling me that if I eat, my “nervous stomach” will make me very ill.
And that would really suck right about now.
I am compromising by eating just a little bit at a time very slowly. Just enough to justify taking my night medications.
Last thing I wanna do before doing something about which I am nervous is skip my Gabapentin, aka my painkiller.
Apparently, there is a chance that taking Ativan while on Gabapentin will make the Ativan side effects of dizziness, lack of coordination, and sleepiness worse.
Yay. All the more reason not to take the Ativan until like 20 minutes before the procedure. Presumably then I will be around a team of medical professionals who can help me get in and out of the machine when needed.
Would be all too ironic if I make it there despite my misgivings only to be waylaid by a god damned drug interaction that should have been caught by the pharmacy.
Jesus, maybe I should take an Ativan NOW. I am freaking myself out here.
Relax. Breathe. Hydrate. Remember that it’s only 45 minutes of my life and after that it will be all over until next Friday.
When I will have to do it for twice as long. Yeesh. This life of mine.
Oh well, I can simply choose to see tonight as a trial run for next Friday. If I can make it through 45 minutes tonight, I can probably make it through 90 minutes later.
Hmmm. According to the internet, a dose of Ativan lasts between 6 and 8 hours. Which means I could take a dose right now and be sure that it would still be in effect around 140 minutes (2 hours 20 minutes) from now when the procedure starts.
I might just do that. I would very much like to stop panicking right now.
Well fuck. I just had to go poking around. Turns out that you are not supposed to take Ativan (or any of the Benzodiazepines, including Xanax, Valium, Klonopin, and Ativan. ) if you suffer from sleep apnea.
I have serious and completely untreated sleep apnea.
Now what the fuck do I do?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.