I’m been tormented by my “demon hunger” lately.

And it’s really driving me right ’round the bend. Regular sized meals barely take the edge off. I had a whole Denny’s meal last night – starter salad, big chicken and ranch sandwich, lots of fries – and at the end of it all, the best I could say is that I wasn’t SUPER hungry any more.

But I could have gone for a big banana split right about then. And some cookies.

And I know why I am in this predicament : I have missed a couple of meals lately. Which I know I should never do, but end up doing anyway, blah blah blah and so on.

You know you’re not getting anywhere in life when your problems recur so often that you get tired of explaining them.

Patient readers know what I am talking about.

And as always, it’s very stressful to be super hungry all the damned time. The fact that my supplies have to stretch for five weeks instead of four does not help either. I can’t necessarily just decide to eat bigger meals a few times.

Plus we’re out of fruit. I keep forgetting to tell Julian that. So if you’re reading this, Julian, and I haven’t mentioned it to you yet, guess what?

We’re out of fruit.

And I eat a lot of fruit. Scientifically speaking, as cannibalistic as it sounds, I am quite “frugivorous”. When I can, I eat a piece of fruit with every meal, and I eat four meals a day, so that’s 28 pieces of fruit a week.

Which Joe (and now Julian) kindly pays for out of his own pocket when the amount we get with the weekly Costco trip is not enough.

The care and feeding of your Fruvous can become quite expensive, especially as they get older and require specialized care.

Good thing we’re so darn cute.

A new kind of fail

The world never stops inventing new ways to fuck with me.

I was taking my morning dose of Gabapentin when one of the two capsules fell apart just as I was putting it in my mouth, causing the powder inside the capsule to instead go directly on to my tongue, where I reflexively swallowed it.

This freaked me out. That’s not how things are supposed to go, and I know medications are engineered to work one specific way and you mess with that at your own peril.

So I tried to Google the problem but that was no use. All I got was websites telling me not to crush pills or open capsules to make them easier to swallow.

Well duh! I know that! It happened accidentally! Now what do I do?

But even after several rephrasings of my Google search in order to try to make it more precise to my needs, the closest thing I got to an answer was basically, “Oh, that happened? Yeah, that’s probably pretty bad. ”

Finally, one place had a useful suggestion : call Poison Control.

So I did, and got PUT ON FREAKING HOLD. I was on hold for twenty god damned minutes while I waited to see if I would DIE.

Luckily, it turned out that Gabapentin is engineered to be self-stabilizing, meaning the more your body absorbs, the less it CAN absorb.

Plus it turns out that all the capsule does is dump the powder into your stomach when it gets there anyhow, so swallowing the powder directly only sped the process up a bit.

So I was safe. I experienced a weird tingling numbness in parts of my body, but that was as likely to be from the panic as from the drug.

Still, stress like that I do not need.

More after the break.

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The wrong end of things

Feeling kinda shitty right now.

Which makes eating supper… tricky. My appetite is DOA so I have to force myself to eat this plain peanut butter sandwich.

Not the most appetizing meal but it’s the food my stomach objects to the least right now so I am kind of stuck with it.

Right now, I guess I would rather be lying down in the dark. I have a sinus headache and I am trying to get my sinuses to drain but they are being stubborn. I will have ot make sure my ears and nostrils are as clear as I can make them in order to create all the drainage that I can.

But as bad as I feel right now, it’s still better than how I felt earlier. I had this deep, terrible feeling that something was wrong with me, physically,. and the worst part was that I couldn’t put a label or a description to it.

Makes it kind of hard to take your problem to the ER.

Intake nurse : And what brings you to the emergency room today?
Me : I feel…. oogy.

It did seem to sort itself out eventually. But I have no idea what the hell was going on. Could have been something with my brain, or my heart, or even my nerves.

Or I could simply be going crazy. Proper crazy, none of this neurotic faffing about.

In a weird way, that would be kind of a relief. I feel like I have been dangling over the precipice of utter madness for so long that the idea of just letting myself drop into the void seems oddly soothing in a very unwholesome way.

And who knows, maybe it’s not even that steep a drop. Maybe I would find that I had been dangling a few feet off the ground all these years and now I can get up and walk around on solid ground just like everyone else.

But I dunno. I think in order for that to happen, I would have to be willing and able to become a lot more normal, and I don’t know if can do that.

I feel an attack of vertigo coming on just thinking about it. I’ve been the oddest of ducks for so long that it is very hard for me to imagine being in there with all the other critters of daily life without running screaming for the hills.

I am not say that this is a good thing. It’s not, it’s bad. It’s a primary symptom of my total social maladjustment and I really don’t know what I can do about that.

Whatever the solution is, it won’t be arrived at via the direct, logical analytical thought that I use to do pretty much everything else.

It will have to be a change to something deep, deep inside me on a deep, deep fundamental level well beyond my paltry powers of reason.

And that scares the hell out of me.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.