I swear I am going to remember the really excellent idea for a post I had earlier.
But in the meantime, I guess the usual drivel will have to do.
Not much going on yesterday and today, thank Dog. No medical appointments, no testing or imaging, no trips to the bank, no nuthin’.
And that’s quite a relief after that crazy busy day I had on Friday.
Now it’s a nice quiet Sunday and I have been indulging my video game addiction and catching naps and occasionally snacking between meals.
I am starting to wonder if I would be best off with a lifestyle of constant, low grade snacking. Just always having something healthy on the go.
With the occasional “sometimes” food as a treat.
It seems like a radical idea, and maybe it is. I admit, the vision of my turning into the constantly eating fat dude who is the butt of many jokes crosses my mind.
That reminds me. I haven’t posted anything shockingly obscene here lately.
That feels wrong. One sec.
Here we go!
The world needs more hot gay jungle butt sex.
Preferably with AC, though. Don’t want people to pass out from heat exhaustion before they have a chance to pass out from SEXUAL exhaustion
Like I said before, I haven’t been doing any AI art lately. Which is odd, really, because I was making that stuff as a hobby more or less all day long for like months.
But my “new” computer crashes when I try to do a render, so, grr. A very fun hobby nipped in the bud by a mysterious hardware ailment
I am pretty sure it’s an issue with my power supply. Next Wednesday, when my deposit drops, I am going to order a new one.
Something ballsy and powerful. But not TOO expensive. I need to go through a period of normal spending levels in order to regain my equilibrium.
I mean, I might even end up punting the new power supply purchase to April’s deposit purely to give myself a break for a month.
Better to let a surplus build up than to go into debt anyhow.
I can’t wait to be able to get back to my usual level of groceries. I could only afford one fridge buddy of cans of pop this week.
So I got a week of nothing but Fresca ahead of me.
And don’t get me wrong, I love Fresca. But I need variety, too.
What else…. I have been having a lot of fun farting around with side quests and whatnot in Dragon Age : Inquisition, but that itch to continue the actual plot of the game is building up and eventually I am going to have to give in.
Like I’ve said before, they were clearly trying to make their own Skyrim, and the game has the buckets and buckets of content to prove it.
One interesting choice that differentiates it from Skyrim, though, is that there is no physical “world”. There is a main map and you go between different lands through it. I can’t go to the Hissing Wastes and start walking and end up at the Forbidden Oasis.
And I am fine with that. The novelty of having a whole “open world” to explore wore off a very long time ago.
I mean, the last thing I need is for games to trigger my agoraphobia. I’d be fine with a came that took place almost entirely indoors.
You know. Cozy. But with monster slaying.
More after the break.
What’s with my life?
Earlier I was feeling pretty ill. My head hurt, my stomach hurt, my testicles hurt, I felt feverish and nauseous, and my appetite could only be expressed in negative numbers.
Big ones, too.
And while I was feeling crummy, it suddenly came to me in a flash : this has been happening to me for my entire fucking life.
As in, I have memories of going through periods like that when I was still too young to go to school.
And my whole life, I have treated it the exact same way : suffer a while, then it goes away, and I forget all about it and go on with my life without ever telling anyone about it, least of all a doctor.
Now what the fuck is up with that??
Gods, it’s like there’s no end to the ways in which I am messed up.
Yeah, I know, that’s way too negative a way to look at things. But it’s all I have until I learn to be more positive.
And that’s going to take a change that goes far deeper than mere education.
Anyhow, it’s like I am a little kid who gets hurt playing but goes right back to playing the minute it stops hurting.
Which, come to think of it, I also did. I would come home for supper after playing outside all day and my poor Mom would exclaim, “Michael, you’re bleeding!”.
And I would look down at whatever cut, scrape, snag, or whatever like I was seeing it for the first time ever and say, “Wow. I am. Huh. ”
I’m not the easiest person to care about, am I? I wish I could be more in touch with my surroundings and my body so I wouldn’t put my loved ones through all this.
But I am an introspective introvert to a nearly pathological degree, and I don’t know how to fix that. I can tell myself I “should” do this and I “should” do that, but none of that shit is going to happen until something far deeper and more fundamental in me changes.
After all, my primary trauma of being raped when I was four years old happened so early in my life that I have very little memory of life before it.
And having to go that far back to find renewal is hard, especially when you are an over-brained weirdo like me who has gone way too far in the direction of the ego and superego and therefore had a weak and puny id.
And the id is the primal life-force. It’s the drive we share with all animals. It is the spark that drives the engine that we call ourselves.
No wonder I feel like one of the living dead.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.