Today was Therapy Thursday. And while I was chatting with Doctor Costin, I realized that I had actually felt pretty good for the last week, overall.

Emotionally, that is. Physically, I had that stupid cold.

But on the emotional level, I have felt a lot more relaxed and happy and comfortable than usual, and I can only attribute that to the vitamin B12 shot I got from Doctor Chao last Friday morning.

Previously, I had thought I felt better due to not having had any extra doctor’s appointments or other complications this week, and I am sure that helped.

But it couldn’t have had this big of an effect on me. After all, I have had low stress weeks before without feeling this good.

No, the B12 is the thing. And that raises a prickly question :

Have I wasted decades of my life on therapy and journaling in an attempt to solve what turned out to be a nutritional problem?

Because that was never gonna work.

And I can’t rule out the possibility. It might well have been a lack of B12 all along.

And part of me kind of resents that idea.

Because if that’s true, then a whole lot of my pain and suffering and heartache, not to mention all the navel gazing and soul search, becomes completely meaningless.

I have heavily invested a lot of emotion into my own illness, and now it seems like those investments were worthless the whole time.

Well, maybe not worthless. I have at least gotten a lot of writing practice out of them.

More seriously, I know I should be one hundred percent joyful about the prospect of having my life be turned around and my soul finally liberated by good old vitamin B12.

That would be a freaking miracle. Hallelujah, pass the hypo.

And make no mistake, I am pretty happy about it. Turns out that the emotional warmth I have been lacking for so long was missing not due to a lack of nurturing as a child but due to a lack of dairy as an adult.

Huh. Go figure.

Because I have definitely felt warmer over the last week, and I can’t possibly put into words exactly how much that means to me.

I have lived a cold and lonely life, trapped in my dark and icy realm, for so very long that having that omnipresent gnawing chill slacken even a little bit feels like Christmas.

And to think, I am getting another shot tomorrow morning. Who knows how I will feel after that. Pretty good, I hope.

And the best part is that if all goes as planned, after a month of weekly shots, my ability to absorb B12 from the food I eat will be restored and I won’t need more shots.

Fingers, toes, and everything else crossed, that will fix it for good.

I already feel a lot more like taking on that big old world out there than before. I don’t quite see myself making any big leaps yet because I am honestly just enjoying being more relaxed and cozy so much that it is making me lazy.

And hey, no pressure If all I get out of this treatment is a greater enjoyment of and comfort in my life exactly as it is right now, that would still be a miracle.

But I need more. I need to launch, god damn it. I need to get out into the world and find my niche and make a name for myself.

Because I am ten thousand pounds of blazing dynamite, and I need to EXPLODE.

More after the break.

---

Soft focus, interior

Feeling kinda soft and sleepy today.

And that’s not a bad thing. It just means I need rest. If it lasts more than a day, maybe I will worry about it.

I know that part of the problem is that I am lounging around naked. Well, semi-naked. Naked between the navel and the ankles.

Otherwise known as “pantslessness”. Or “the bottomless look”.

It’s a very comfortable mode of being for me. Too comfortable, in a way. Like I have said here many times, the problem with being semi-naked all the time is that it leads to my staying in a sort of half-asleep mode of consciousness which is ultimately not very good for my mental health.

That’s why, before Joe went into the hospital, I was making a point of getting dressed every day, whether I was leaving the apartment or not.

But with Joe in the hospital, I don’t have him doing my laundry any more, and so getting dressed has gone back to more of a “when needed” thing.

It makes me wonder if I could still do my own laundry. The big hurdle is transport. Getting the clothes to our washer/dry combo and back is tricky for a guy who has to use a walker to get around.

So much of life presumes you’ll have at least one hand free. Sensibly enough.

Actually doing the laundry is no problem. I can work the washer and dryer with one hand while using the other for balance.

I can even do the occasional thing with both hands. I am not entirely crippled. I can go short distances without the walker. I can spend short periods with only my legs holding me up as long as I am quick.

But getting the clothes there would be a pain. Especially the pants. I might be able to cram a few T-shirts in the side bags of my indoor walker, and of course I can get tons of socks in there, but I’m a big boy and big boys got big pants.

Hmmm. Maybe I could put them in a backpack?

Anyhow, I will have no choice but to get fully dressed for tomorrow’s 9:45 am Wound Care and 11:40 am B12 shot with Doctor Chao.

What an awkward amount of time in between. I guess we’ll go home for a bit, but I will be getting out of wound care at around 10:15 am, leaving an gap of around an hour and a half to cover before Doctor Chao And His Magical Injection.

And that seems like a small amount of time compared to the extra wear and tear on my poor self from going up to the apartment and back down to the car again.

Oh well. Maybe I will bring my tablet and wait in the car.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.