I’m glad I did this.
Because it felt really good to get some stuff off my chest. I felt distinctly unburdened when I posted that video to YouTube. I feel better now.
So expect more things like that down the line. It did me a lot of good to make myself vulnerable and be real with people today.
I want more.
I think part of why it did me good was that I confronted the long freeze that my emotions have suffered over these years.
I’m finally ready to admit it : my Midnight Tundra has been Paxil all along.
And I have come up with the opposite of Midnight Tundra : Twilight Summer. It’s that wonderful time of a summer day where the sun has started to go down so you don’t have the burning heat of direct sunlight beating down on you, but there’s still plenty of heat coming up off the pavement, so things are still toasty warm.
I love that time of day. It’s the best.
So that’s my opposite of all that Midnight Tundra inside of me.
I’m on my last week of my current month of meds and next month my Paxil will go down another level. Six days a week on 30 mg instead of five
And I am a little worried about that. My emotions are already pretty rough and raw and a lot of bad stuff is coming out of hibernation as things warm up inside me.
But mostly, today, I am excited about the prospect because talking about my Paxil freeze for the video has made me keenly aware of the glacier that still resides within me and how it’s been holding me back and I want the fucking thing gone yesterday.
Obviously I am not dumb enough to just quit Paxil cold turkey. Part of me wants to do that, but I know that is, shall we say, inadvisable.
Don’t want to end up falling all the way down to the “institutionalized for my own safety” level of crazy, though part of me feels like nobody would know or care.
I try to keep those feelings safely contained. I can’t erase my feelings that nobody loves me and nobody gives a god damn about me, at least not yet, but I know them to be demonstrably insane and completely false so I can safely ignore them.
Aside from needing to let them out now and then like they’re animals that have been cooped up too long in the winter.
An apt metaphor.
It’s weird to know you have feelings that are crazy and yet knowing they are crazy does not get rid of them.
They must stem from some kind of deeper pain that has yet to be addressed. Some level of emotional damage that merely expresses itself that way and therefore trying to completely suppress them will only make the same emotions pop up elsewhere.
No point in playing whack-a-mole with your feelings.
I know I am very deeply damaged and have been since I was raped when I was 4. None of that primary trauma has ever been treated and I have no idea how one would go about it after all this time.
It would probably take a much deeper and more intensive level of therapy than I could get from Doc Costin over the phone.
And the province doesn’t spend that kinda money on mere depressives.
So like I said in the video, I will just have to keep plodding along.
But who knows what self-therapy via YouTube might bring?
More after the break.
Here’s some awesome stuff I found on BlueSky today :
Eat the rich : A highly appetizing idea for a game show. Unless we’re eating Elon Musk, because that just sounds gross and I can’t think of a cannibalistic pun for him.
A Three Elon Musk-eteers bar? Nah.
Bowser is bi : Bowser from the Mario games makes a big announcement that surprises absolutely nobody. Least of all me. Even if he didn’t start off bisexual, the sheer heat of a million pieces of gay Bowser fanart would have turned him that way.
How to catch a mouse : This person has truly built a better mousetrap!
A comity of errors
So I forgot to order a snackable to mix in with my microwave popcorn last week.
No big deal, I have a jumbo size box of Cheez-Its and know from experience they actually do the job quite well.
Turns out I also forgot to order 2L bottles of my favorite sodas.
That’s harder to replace. Normally I have half of one of those (so, 1L) when my have my snack and oops, nope, not this week.
Well I guess now I know where my last three precious cans of soda will go.
I didn’t forget to order those. I skipped it on purpose, to save money. Like I said before, I was going to see if the cans were something I could do without for now.
I have yet to actually run out, so technically, the experiment continues.
Now they will be the soda portion of my midnight snacks.
And so it goes.
You know, I don’t know why I fear change. I’m a fairly adaptable guy.
Took a look over that list of agents. Realized that they are, indeed, literary agents and that I don’t write much fiction any more.
Hardly any at all, really.
Which begs the question of what exactly I would be handing to an agent for them to represent. It’s not like I need an agent to be a YouTuber.
Maybe pay for an afternoon of a marketing expert’s time to get the thing off the ground.
And do them with a touch more professionalism. Like asking viewers to like and subscribe, and even directing them to my Patreon.
All three of those things go against the grain of my nature, but one can only assume people do them because they work, so I really should swallow my pride and my Canadian aversion to tooting one’s own horn and do it too.
I mean, I could just keep making my content and hoping that I will be noticed some day and my channel will take off like a rocket carrying me to fame, fortune, and loads of sex.
And part of me prefers that method.
But the more sensible part of me knows that there’s nothing wrong with giving my odds a bit of a boost with self-promotion.
After all, everybody else is doing it!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.