Today’s vid is sort of an extension to today’s Therapy Thursday session.
As is standard with me, I am not sure I expressed whatever it was I had meant to express at the beginning, but whatever.
Some of us are just born to wander.
And not all who wander are lost.
I mean, I usually am, but still.
The important thing is that I expressed myself for a bit more than six minutes and got some emotions out by making myself vulnerable and that’s all for the good.
I don’t think of myself as someone who is afraid to be vulnerable. In fact I have always found the reluctance to express vulnerability to be a bit silly.
And yet, I have this smooth persona that I keep clamped down tight over my true self when I am around others and never let slip, and what is the point of that if not to keep myself from being vulnerable?
“I’m not afraid to be vulnerable. ” said the Steel-Clad Man.
I suppose I think I am unafraid to be vulnerable because I’ll tell anything to anybody, more or less. I had to learn not to confess my deepest darkest secrets to total strangers because people, um, do not like that.
Honestly, I’m just so happy someone is listening to me that it can go to my head.
But that idea of myself as open and free clashes with the fact that I am not even emotionally real and present with my god damned therapist.
I guess it’s easy to be free and open with information when you have emotional armor ten feet thick on.
Not having a lot of secrets is not exactly the same as being open.
Which brings us back to that detachment. It’s more than some kind of philosophical pose. It’s a fundamental withdrawal from life on a deep and telling level and its left me feeling both alien and alienated for my entire life.
There has to be a way out of this trap. I should not have to wait for some random super sad thing that I didn’t see coming before I can feel truly present and real. I should not be so god damned different from the rest of humanity and thus unable to connect.
I shouldn’t have to be so damned cold all the time.
But I guess that in order to get comfortable with leaving this god damned frozen foods section I am going to have to get used to the idea of living in realtime, without detachment and thus without being able to control or predict what’s coming.
So I just have to deal with things as they come.
Pretty sure that’s how most of the world works.
So, ya know. There’s precedent.
It feels so risky. Like the moment in science fiction when the astronaut takes their helmet off to see if the air is breathable.
I mean, I know the instruments say everything is okay and so does Doc but still, they might be wrong and I might die.
At least, that’s how it feels. Realistically of course I’ll be fine living like everyone else, being emotionally real and present and letting my emotions inform me at least as much as my high and mighty intellect does.
I need to learn to truly feel my world, not just perceive it.
And for that, I need to truly be here.
More after the break.
They’re so fuzzy!
Eeee, it’s lil baby coyotes!
And they howl at the sirens! Awww. They must think that other pack sounds weird!
I want to pick them up and kiss them on the snoot.
But that would probably get my face bitten off. 😛
Weeping in despair
But in a good way.
Today I am feeling weary and worn out. Even minor things feel like they take enormous effort. Physically, yes, but mostly emotionally. I am hitting one of my period where I find it hard to remember why I do anything instead of just hiding in bed and…
…and waiting to die, I guess.
I mean, that’s what would inevitably happen if you literally did absolutely nothing for long enough, not even eat.
Not that I want to die. I’m just feeling weary, that’s all.
That would be the chilling result of the anti-action bias winning a final, deadly victory, though. Which is a disturbing thought.
I’m not worried about my current mood though, because behind the weariness I can feel large emotions moving around and jockeying for position like silent icebergs and that, to me, suggests that the latest lowering of my Paxil dose is further loosening things up and thawing things out and making some kind of large emotion release possible.
And I’m all for that, even if it means feeling large negative emotions.
Fine. Whatever. I’ll be despondent. I’ll be enraged. I’ll be terrified. I will be whatever I need to be in order to release more of the massive icejam of emotions that have been clogging my waterways and damming me up for far, far too long.
Cut that fucker out, Doc. I don’t care if it hurts.
I’m going to try to help the process along. Gently, of course. I know that if I let my overweaning superego take charge of it, that will ruin everything.
The idea is to let my natural healing mechanisms do their goddamned job without constant micromanagement from the ego and superego.
Their advice is super suspect anyway, given how corrupt they are.
No, the main thrust of my approach is to step back, relax everything, go limp, and let the deeper mechanisms of my mind fix things up without me.
It knows what it is doing. I can feel it at work. It feels…. natural. Like things are unfolding as they should and forces wiser than my conscious mind, forces older than our species even, are mending what the conscious mind has rent asunder.
I really am too smart for my own good.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.