How so? Watch, and find out.
It’s kind of my way. I stumble through life doing everything wrong, as the song says, and yet somehow it kind of works for me.
Emphasis on kind of. I mean, it’s not like I’m awash in accolades and success or anything. But inasmuch as I have been educated and so far as I have made my silly little creative projects, I have been improvising my way through life without the slightest clue as to what I am doing and yet somehow coming out of it unharmed.
None of what I talk about in the vid should be possible.
So I guess I’m just impossible.
Or at least highly unlikely.
Well, I did defy my mother’s tubal ligation to be conceived. She was under the impression that her getting pregnant was impossible.
Not so, said I.
The must be a way to harness my improbability to get myself out of this rut. Maybe I should just hitch it to my strange boldness and just email famous and/or powerful people out of the blue looking for help getting my career started.
That sounds like the sort of thing that a sweet summer child like me would do.
There is a certain advantage to doing what others would never dream of doing, provided you do it in a polite, respectful, charming way.
I can do that.
Perhaps that should be my entire approach to looking for a job. Just ask for what I want. Or better yet, ask for advice.
Most people love having their knowledge and expertise called upon. It must be part of our instinct to share information with the rest of the tribe.
Perhaps the right people would find my combination of sweetness and perspicacity oddly appealing and I could get somewhere that way.
The other thing on my mind today is how I’ve always been..
An island unto myself
A solitary fortress in a large and lonely sea.
It never seemed like I was choosing to be that way. I grew up terribly lonely, so lonely sometimes that it physically hurt. I wanted friends, I wanted closeness, I wanted people in my life who saw me and took care of me instead of throwing me to the wolves.
But I don’t think I knew how to let people in. I still don’t. Perhaps I missed some vital developmental window in which one is supposed to learn human connection and because I was neglected and ignored (and resented) at that time, I didn’t get my proper dose of it.
I’d hate to think that’s permanent. But it might be.
On the whole, I think I’d rather be alive.
That would make a great line to start a short story with. I’ll have to remember it.
Now I come back to the idea that it would take something really big to overwhelm my fractured mind’s stupid defenses and actually set me free from this prison fortress that has grown up around me over all these years.
But I know the truth. Door’s wide open. I can leave whenever I want to.
This is not a secure ward.
What keeps me locked into this sad little insufficient life of mine is fear. Simple fear, as in anxiety, and a much deeper and more telling fear that flows from that broken boy of long ago who was shattered by a rapist and then filed it away in his mind as something too big for him to deal with and there it has stayed.
The person I became is made of whatever was left behind.
I could be so very much more.
But not without help.
More after the break,
Ordering in again
Crunched the numbers and saw that I was around $40 ahead, ergo I am eating me some Chipotle right now.
And it only cost me $20, so I am still $20 up. Awesome. I like having a buffer.
Still three weeks to go on this festering sore that is 5 week month : the Revenge. I will be so glad when this bullshit is over.
I just checked and the following month is definitely a normal four week month. Phew.
I’m not taking anything for granted any more. If there could be two in a row, there could be three just as easily.
Son of a bitch.
I’ve been doing okay other than financial stress. Life keeps clicking along and dragging us into the future and every day my lack of life progress gets a little more sad.
Not the healthy way to look at it, I know. Hopefully putting it that way here will help me exorcize a bit of that energy.
Sometimes I have to let the bad thoughts out in order to feel better. So what might seem like I am getting worse because I am expressing such dark thoughts (and in my own particularly evocative way) but it’s actually the opposite.
I’m getting better by venting my toxins.
It’s conceivable that some distant, future version of myself would be able to deal with his emotions in realtime in such an effective and healthy way that I don’t build up the negative feelings in the first place.
Until then, I gotta purge now and then.
Not right now though, so you can relax. Some time when the darkness is a lot closer to the surface. Right now I feel somewhat summer-mellow and okay and I am not about to ruin that by sticking a metaphorical finger down my throat.
I suppose there’s a little melancholy in my soul right now. Maybe I could use a good cry.
Maybe I will even be able to have one once I lay down again.
Maybe I still have too much invested in predictability and not nearly enough in being able to handle whatever, whenever.
And I still compulsively take shelter in video games most of the time. I feel like I am slowly prising myself away from that habit but I haven’t truly challenged the addiction yet and when I do, it’s going to be rough.
Just keep thinking of job hunting as a game.
That should help.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.