Today’s been bad.

Once more, I have let a bunch of homework sneak up on me. I am sure I was told of all of these assignments. I just forgot them in the interim, wasting my life playing video games when I should have been getting some goddamned work done.

I am going to have to make video games a much, much smaller part of my life if I am to keep up with my workload. Shit’s already started and already I am dropping the ball. It will only get worse from here, so I am going to have to get my poop in a group and make peace with spending my evenings doing schoolwork instead of wasting time in mental masturbation, otherwise I’ll be fucked.

Right now, I am feeling very overwhelmed by it all. Kind of like when I was crashing and burning in Linguistics class, only not as severe. But I have that same feeling of my mind freezing up on me and not being able to think straight, making it very easy to panic and feel like staying in bed until it all goes away.

I won’t do that, of course. If for no other reason than I am on the hook for the $20,250 tuition whether I finish studies or not. Besides, this is my dream : I must persist.

And those loser voices in my head that say things like “quit now! go hide! Too hard!” and “I’m just not cut out for this” and other such nonsense grow fainter every day. I feel their tug, but it’s very weak, and mostly I just let them pass through my mind unaccosted and unhindered, gone like yesterday’s sunset.

I have a weapon to use against the disorganized chaos in my head. I have downloaded a student calendar app to my tablet, and in theory, if I put all my assignment into it, I will always be able to see what assignment is due when, and hopefully that will help me figure out what I should be working on that night.

The brutal truth is that depression doesn’t just fuck with your mood, it fucks with your mentation as well. Right now, my executive function is underperforming. That’s very common with people with depression. All those bad chemicals really gum up the gears. And that is what is tripping me up now.

And forgetting assignment isn’t the worst of it. I misread my schedule this morning, mistaking Thursday for today, and thought I didn’t have to show up at school till 10 am, and class would be in the computer room in the basement. I get to the computer room, nobody there. I go up to the writing floor, and find out how badly I fucked up, and go to the class I was supposed to go to. At 9 am.

So I got marked absent for a class because I was too mentally incoherent to read a simple chart correctly. This shit is getting serious. I am getting scared.

How the hell am I going to complete my studies if this kind of thing keeps happening? There’s only so many times I can fuck up without it affecting my grade, and after that, causing me to fail. And if I failed out of my dream education, it would damn near kill me… or make me kill myself. I keep thinking I need some kind of mental prosthesis, like crutches for the brain, in order to get around in the complicated real world, with so much to remember and keep track of.

Tries to get some work done during lunch, but I just can’t work when there are people talking around me. Like I have said before, I only have one verbal circuit, and if it’s busy interpreting conversation I am hearing, it is not available for something as complex and intricate as writing.

Sometimes it gets so bad that I can’t even have music with lyrics playing when I write. Instrumental only.

So next time I want to get work done at school, I will try going down to the computer lab. Hopefully there won’t be people talking in there. I would be all for the computer room being treated like a library or a quiet study room. People are there to work, and you have the rest of the fucking school to use for conversation. Let this one spot be.

I can see me getting into a verbal fracas over that in the future. Probably with a group of women. This I foresee.

I have to get this stupid assignment for Format class where I read two teleplays, one from a half-hour TV show and one from an hour-long show, then give a presentation on the differences, and how a TV script is not like a movie script, and why each show has its own particular format.

How incredibly dull. I kind of stopped paying attention once the prof told us that Final Draft takes care of that shit. I know intellectually that learning the industry standard format is important and a lot of places will throw out a badly formatted document without reading a single word, but seriously? Fifteen minutes on the subject, and every single one of us talking about the same thing using different shows, and with only two hours to get through all our presentations?

It’s like some kind of crushingly boring curse.

I will do it, of course. This evening, after supper. I will find the scripts to read, inhale them, and try to figure out how to get these obvious things across in a way that is at least a little entertaining. Should be able to knock that out in an evening, I hope the fifteen minutes is not a minimum, though, as I really don’t want to talk about this subject for that long.

I also have to finish my short script, which was due today as it turns out, but I have been given an extension till 1 pm tomorrow. I have gone with the Canadian Intervention thing, but I may abandon it in favour of something more plot oriented, as I am having trouble justifying it being a short film and not just a skit.

I’m not worried. I’m good at plot. Plot is just story, and I am mad great at story.

So I have two major homework assignments to do tonight. Lovely.

At least one of them involves actual writing.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.