It just occurred to me that I am always at least a little dizzy.

Dunno why that never occurred to me before. I suppose when it’s your “normal”, it takes a very tricky form of metacognition to perceive it. I am just so accustomed to being slightly dizzy from (I think) fluid in my ears and sinuses. I move, and the fluid in my head shifts, and I feel the dizziness, like my body wants to keep going even after I have stopped moving, and I have to compensate for that.

Jaysus, no wonder I am so fucking clumsy. It’s a wonder I can get around at all.

I don’t think it was always this way. I have the distinct feeling that it began at some point, possibly when my allergies first kicked in hardcore when I was in high school, this become the new normal. I am a dizzy person, in more ways than one.

Even sitting here typing, I can feel it. Not sure that’s a good thing. I get the feeling that I might come to regret bringing this sensation to the front of my consciousness before it gets any better. Now I will be thinking about it all the time, and I will have to be very careful to make sure to not let that go to my head and end up magnifying the problem.

After all, when we pay attention to something, we naturally zoom in on it. But then…. we forget we did that, and end up thinking tiny things are huge problems.

Knowing now that I have been at least a little dizzy for a long time, it makes me wonder how much that has contributed to my burden of life and, through that, my feeling that life is just too damned hard. I can see it contributing to a feeling of life-draining heaviness. And even more than that, a feeling like I am only safe and in control when I move at little as possible.

That’s a feeling which has had me in its grips for a very long time now. Makes me wonder what my life would be like if I could rid myself of this perpetual vertigo.

I might find life to be a heck of a lot easier.

Now I don’t want to be alarmist about this. I am not saying I live with anything catastrophic. It’s more like a small but constant thing that is always there in the background of my mind, sometimes better and sometimes worse, that makes life that little bit harder.

Relatedly, I have often wondered how the fluctuations in sinus pressure in my head changes things for the rest of my head, especially my brain. To me, it seems entirely possible that one of the reasons my local reality seems so unstable to me is that blood circulation in my big ol’ brain is sometimes squeezed about by pressure in my sinus cavities, and that messes me up in both subtle and overt ways.

Certain, when I am experiencing my legendarily easy to provoke heat sickness, it feels like some enormous pressure is being applied to some portion of my brain. And what do you know, I usually get dizzy too.

Makes me wonder if I maybe have malformed sinus cavities or somesuch. I am pretty sure the average person does not go through what I go through. There has to me some explanation for why I have had these irritating sinus issues my whole life. Just calling them “allegies” is clearly an inadequate explanation. There has to me more going on. The allergies are just the trigger.

And I don’t really think of them as allergies anyhow. That’s just the most convenient word to use in order to get the basic idea across. No one thing sets them off, as far as I can tell. So it’s either a host of allergies with the same symptoms, or something more like having irritable sinuses that might get freaked out by anything it decides has to go.

The allergy pills I take do seem to help. But that might just be the sinus medicine portion of them. When I take a straight-up antihistamine with nothing else added, my results tend to be inconclusive. Maybe they are helping, and maybe not. I still sneeze sometimes when I am on them.

That pisses me off.

So I guess I am fucked up in the head in more than one way. I could try to figure out how to get to my doctor and talk to him about it despite my rather busy academic schedule, but that’s a long-shot. The stupid nine to five world kind of gets in the way.

What do you know, my doctor’s office is only open during the exact same hours when everybody is at work. As is everything else. How fucking convenient.

And the thing is, I would be more likely to take a day off work than I would be to take a day off school. Missing work is just a matter of figuring out how to get your work done while you are not there.

But with school, I might actually miss something important. Something that would have helped me a lot. Even if I was the sort of person who could ask someone to take notes for me/share their notes with me, I would be paranoid that they had not captured the true experience, with vocal tones and body language and such.

Because I’m complicated like that.

The obvious solution is to get a doctor that is close to school. That way I could go on my lunch break, or after school. I like my current doctor, Doctor Chao, but I can’t say I am particularly attached to him. So it wouldn’t be a huge trauma for me to switch.

Seems weird for it to be more convenient to have a doctor far away from my home than to have one six blocks from me, but that’s life.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

Don’t bring a knife to a…? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?

Gun fight. Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. That’s what I have been doing in Fallout 4. And it’s not going so great.

It was going okay, this whole idea of being the post apocalyptic barbarian swinging his sword to kill the bad guys and protect the innocent people of the Commonwealth. Sure, I got shot up a few times, but not so much that it made the whole thing seem impossible.

But then I came across my first large area full of bad guys (fucking Raiders), and that’s when having to be close to the enemy in order to strike really started to suck. When like eight people are shooting at you at the same time, you die pretty fast, and when you can’t take enemies out at a distance, reducing the number of shooters takes too long.

Honestly, if I hadn’t picked up a companion who can fire a pistol, I probably never would have made it through at all.

As a result, I am seriously considering starting over AGAIN and this time designing my character to be less “post nuclear Conan” and more like “silent deadly ninja”. I think there’s a fairly good chance that I could get good enough (both in game skill and personal skill) at being sneaky to take the enemies out one by one, commando style. And you have to admit, that would be awesome.

Or, I could stick with my current dude but devote all my levels to making him into a living tank. Build up his personal damage resistances to the point where he could be running around nekkid (murr) and still seem like he’s bulletproof.

And, of course, devote resources to modding his armor up in the same way.

It feels a little lame to have to do that, and kind of makes me feel like this whole idea was ill-advised. But I can be very, very stubborn, and as long as I feel like I can make it work, I will stick with it. Nothing wrong with realizing you maybe didn’t think things through all the way. Especially when there’s still a chance you can fix it.

Meanwhile, in the real world (that pesky thing), today has been very, very quiet. Julian has been off dog-walking, and Joe is, of course, at work, so I have had the apartment all to myself since 3:30 pm or so. Long enough for the silence to go from soothing to kind of creepy.

And, as usual when I have time off like this, I have been battling depression and the resulting sleepiness. I’m never that far from the void, it seems, and while I haven’t been sad per se , I haven’t exactly felt wonderful either.

Mostly I have felt… adrift. Unmoored. Directionless. I know damned well that I have work to do on that final draft of my short script, but it’s hard to get myself moving in that direction. It’s so much easier to go back to the life that stole 20 years of my fucking life : eating, sleeping, and playing video games.

And chatting online, although I am less and less inclined to do that, and that frightens me. No matter how bad my depression has gotten in the past, I always spent time hanging with the fuzzies and doing Facebook and such.

And now it seems like it’s more hassle than it’s worth. So much easier to keep to myself and not have to deal with people at all. Even fictional people who only exist in text. Even that seems like too much of a burden, especially when I have a deep and involving video game I could play all by myself.

It’s like my urge to isolate myself has been building up all the time I have been going to school 5 days a week and having to suppress it. And now that I have just a little time off school, I just want to shut out the whole damned world and sink into my inner sanctum where I don’t have to deal with things at all.

Bye bye world. Hello shell. I sure wish I could quit you.

Oh well. No matter what, school resumes on Monday, and I will have no choice but to snap the fuck out of it and get things done. I realized today that my resistance to school has been building for quite some time now. IT’s that same voice that was causing troubles for me in my last 2 months at Kwantlen. The voice that says “Why are we sitting here doing this boring ass shit when we could be doing something fun? instead? This shit is so laaaaaaame!”

Needless to say, that voice (and the impulses that go with it) don’t exactly make life easier for me. But I resist the urge to suppress it because it’s an id voice, and I am trying to cultivate my long neglected id. If I am to bring myself back into the land of the living, I will need to make peace with and hopefully integrate my id, because that’s where the life force comes from.

Despite what Western traditional Western thinking tells us, we are not egos and superegos afflicted with the disease of the id. We are ids with egos and superegos installed, somewhat sketchily, and all we do when we suppress our ids and push them out into the cold is deny ourselves any chance of renewal while letting our ids turn into out of control monsters or soul destroying demons.

And if it goes far enough, we end up with depression and/or anxiety and/or a ton of other mental malfunctions.

All this Freud talk is making me think I need to get back into regular therapy. I still have a lot of shit to deal with. Stuff needs to be unpacked and aired out and dealt with.

Otherwise I might end up too ill to go to school.

And that would be way too depressing.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.