Some of you already knows about this, so bear with me.

Last week, in Pitch class, we were given the following assignment : give a pitch knowing the person you are pitching to will not like it.

Now I took this to mean that the person would hate it, and so I figured, if I know they will hate it, why not pitch the worst movies I can think of? That way, I won’t care if they are hated!

Thus emboldened, I wrote the following :

<--->

1. It’s called Fartington High, it’s a high concept comedy, and it’s about a special high school for teens who suffer from extreme flatulence…. but that doesn’t mean they don’t like to get stoned! Join our hero, Bobby Bongripper, as he pursues the heart of his one true love, Susie Stonemaker, and leads the school to victory in the annual Bongfart Regatta against their hated rivals, the upper class jocks from the Whizzledown School for Bedwetters, and save their favourite pot dispensary/bean burrito shop!

2. It’s called Self Made Man, it’s a libertarian drama, and it’s about the world’s must handsome, brilliant, and sexually potent man, Prometheus Adonis, and his fight against the forces of compassion and taxes as personified by a gay, Jewish, handicapped, refugee IRS agent named Ira Grabowitz, who brings the heavy hand of government down on Prometheus’ company just because it makes a billion trillion dollars a year without paying ANY taxes!

3. It’s called Everything Explodes At The Same Time, it’s an action thriller, and it’s about a group of giant exploding robots called the Kaboomatrons who fight the evil Neversplode robots in a series of highly visual locations inexplicably filled with giant barrels of TNT and gasoline tanker trucks until the climactic final scene where…. wait for it… Everything Explodes At The Same Time!

4, It’s called The Royal Imperiatum Thrift Shoppe, and it’s about a shy, uptight, timid boy named Timmy Forestville whose life is drab and boring and, worst of all, normal until he happens to wander into the magical Royal Imperiatum Gift Shoppe and meets the owner, an idealistic free-spirited eccentric girl named Elfina Splendoriffic who takes him on a serious of magical journeys via a big brass steam locomotive to the quirky but extremely authentic locations where she gets the items she sells in her store. Unfortunately, during one of these trips, Bobby accidentally angers the Big Boar Jwah, who chases them throughout the magical realms because he wants to punish them by making them go back to the real world and work in a chain restaurant with uniforms. This all leads to a feel-great climactic scene where they finally have an earnest, heart to heart talk with the Big Boar Jwah and find out that he’s only so mean because he really just wants to be loved and accepted for who he is. It ends with a big group hug, and all three of them return to Earth, where they live in Bobby’s parents’ basement and start their own artisanal knitted condom business and live happily ever after.

<--->

Pretty funny stuff, I thought. I had dreams of amazing and amusing my classmates and my prof with my fantabulous comedy skills.

Alas, this did not work out.

You see, it turns out that the real nature of the assignment was to defend your pitch against someone playing the role of a crazy producer who was going to ask random stupid questions and try to get you off balance and test your ability to think on your feet. That would be the true Hell Pitch experience, so in a sense, we will have already been through the worst in a safe environment.

So after bravely delivering the Fartington High pitch to a chorus of full stares and cricket noises, I gave up on the rest.

Today was a decent day at school. The morning was… rough. I either slept through my alarm or turned it off without waking up (a disturbing thought), resulting in my waking up at 8:07 am.

And I normally leave at 8 am!

From there it was a mad dash to get my ass out the door. No chance to pack a lunch and breakfast was a banana and two granola bars eaten on the way to the Skytrain.

A sidenote : I am pleased to note that the two blocks of Cook Street between this apartment and 3 Road are replete with trash cans into which I threw my banana peel and granola bar wrappers. I heavily associate the presence of public trash cans with civilization. I have ever since I saw the streets full of fucking garbage outside the famous Graumann’s theater in Hollywood. So I take great comfort in knowing that little stretch is, by my standards, very civilized.

Where was I? Oh right. So I made it to school at 9:07 am – exactly one hour after I woke up.

Apparently, I got this shit down to a science.

First class was… mixed. I was very sleepy through the first hour, and that’s always horrible. In a way, I wish I was capable of just falling asleep in class like some people do^[snr], but my metaconscious is too strong for that. I could never be so innocently unaware. Instead, I go through a continuous cycle of sliding towards sleep then jerking myself awake which makes me completely miserable.

It’s basically the worst kind of being at school. If that never happened, school would be way easier.

On the other hand, I got to present my Story assignment, which went like this :

<--->

STORY WORKSHOP ASSIGNMENT – Establish a story scenario by answering very succinctly these questions:

Who’s your character (define their personality, strengths and flaws) and what’s the world of the story?

Lisa Brauer, a highly idealistic young recent college graduate who just got a job as a social worker working in the Downtown East Side and is determined to make a difference. She’s extremely bright and very passionate and sensitive. But she’s had a very sheltered life and has no idea what she is really getting into./

What’s what the problem/issue for your protagonist?

Her external problem is that she has gotten herself stranded in the DTES in those hours between when the buses and trains stop running and when they start again. She doesn’t have enough money for a cab, and she lives in Surrey, so walking is not exactly an option. So she has to survive four hours in the middle of the night in the DTES.

Her internal problem is that she has no idea how many middle class prejudices she holds, and how little she truly understands about the people she wants to “save”.

What’s the solution to the problem /issue?

The external solution comes in the form of a street youth who calls himself Skeeze. He appoints himself her guardian, and sees her through the night.

The internal solution also comes from Skeeze. Through talking with him and letting him take her on a little tour of the DTES, she comes to truly understand that some people have lives so completely different from her own upbringing

What’s the outcome?

She makes it home safely, and acquires a much deeper understanding and empathy for the people she has come here to serve.

How has your character changed?

She has had a lot of her illusions shattered and has gained a lot of wisdom, humility, and insight. She’s less idealistic but more determined than ever to do her job and do it well.

<--->

As with the similar exercise I did for Character class, I loved every minute of workshopping my ideas. I know other people don’t enjoy it as much, but I absolutely love having a group of highly intelligent and creative people helping me flesh out my ideas and work out the plot.

Remember, there’s story and plot. Plot is the means by which one tells one’s story.

I love it, because to me, it’s like getting to use other people’s minds in addition to my own. That’s an amazing feeling to me. It means I get to use other people’s perspectives to spot what I cannot, and that gives me a strange giddy feeling of both exhilaration and safety. It’s like the closest I have ever gotten to feeling the safety of the pack.

And yes, that it both crazy and sad. And crazy sad.

So that was awesome. If I ever write that story, I know where I would go with it. And if I did, it would most likely take the form of a short film or even a one act play. Not a lot of money in one act plays, but it could be a big hit, seeing as it only has two characters in one location (potentially) and is all about breaking down the barrier between the middle class and those less fortunate souls they automatically assume need to be rescued from the lives that must be as unhappy as we would be in their situation.

Check your privilege indeed.

For lunch, I used up the last 5 bucks I had on the Subway gift card Joe gave me for my birthday and got me an egg salad sub, some Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips, and a Diet Pepsi.

Speaking of cheddar and chips, unsolicited plug time : Stacy’s Pita Chips have a new flavour, Toasted Cheddar, and it’s delicious. It tastes exactly like toasted cheddar, and that is super yum to me. I am already envisioning getting more the next time I shop!

Afternoon class was TV Genre, and today we did Westerns. Not a big fan, but I don’t hate them, and we got a rare treat : we got to watch an episode of Lonesome Dove that Rick wrote. For someone like me, that was a huge thrill. Being in the same room as the person who wrote the TV episode I am watching… that’s an almost religious experience for me.

I honestly wanted to ask Rick a zillion questions. But there wasn’t time.

Well, that’s it for tonight’s extra-wide edition of this blog. Hope you enjoy my stuff.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.