Woke up feeling terrible today.

My head hurt. Every major muscle ached. And my stomach felt like I’d swallowed a tornado… and it was mad.

So I emailed my prof saying I wasn’t going to be able to make it to class. That wasn’t an easy decision to make. I had to make the hard decision as to whether or not I was actually sick or whether this was just a heavier dose of how crappy I usually feel in the morning.

And I am still not one hundred percent sure I made the right call. Because somewhere between 2 pm and 3 pm, the symptoms just…. disappeared. All at once. Like a fog evaporating. One second I was hunched over at this computer, miserable, and the next, I felt fine. Great, even, thanks to the endorphins.

So I have to ask myself, WTF was that? Assuming that the problem was of a microbial nature, did my immune system score a sudden and decisive victory? Possibly. Was it just a matter of being upright and doing things for long enough to shake off the morning blahs? I hope not, because I hate missing school, and that would mean I could have gone.

I just don’t know. But I do know one thing :

Being home sucks.

It doesn’t take long with me for free time to turn into depression. My hold on a sense of purpose and focus is, as yet, quite slender, and all it takes is one solid day off to remind me of that. Up till now, I have been looking forward to having a whole bunch of free time at the end of the term. But today was a harsh reality lesson.

I probably won’t enjoy that time at all.

I mean, I won’t even have homework left to do. When I get bored of playing Fallout 4 (or FO4, as it’s known to people in a big hurry) later tonight, I can just bring up my little student calendar and see what is next on my assignment list, and do that.

I won’t have that luxury during the inter-term period.

So it comes back to that old issue of being self-motivating again. Dammit. I have really enjoyed having school to keep me moving forward and give me a sense of purpose. Having like, five days in a row sans school will cut me off for that for a short time.

All sails, no wind.

And speaking of school, June 30th is coming up frightfully soon and I still don’t know where I am going to get the $800 for the payment due to VFS by then. I have 15 days to come up with it, and so far all I have done to get it is an abortive attempt to apply for a loan to my bank.

I might end up having to ask Joe. But that will be my very last resort. He already does so much for me. I don’t want to burden him further.

But if I have to, I will. Otherwise this little experiment in my being treated like I might be worth something will come to a screeching halt, and that would damned near kill me. Or make me kill myself.

That is, after all, how depression kills people.

I should see what I could get for my old computer. Not much, I would imagine, but anything would help. My income doesn’t exactly allow for saving up money, alas. Otherwise I would at least have something to show for my time.

I think I have around $150 left in the Education Fund on my credit card. So I suppose, in reality, I am looking for $650. But that doesn’t offer much comfort. Anywhere I can get $650, I could probably get $800. That $150 seems unlikely to be a dealbreaker… or maker.

That assumes I am unable to get the money from my bank in the form of a loan or some sort. Realistically speaking, I can’t imagine I seem like a good risk for a loan, given my terrible credit rating and three figure monthly income. If they do lend me the dough, it will be out of pity, not sound financial reasoning.

I guess I could apply for some credit cards – the real kind, not the kind I have now – and put it on there. Credit card companies are known for their love of taking advantage of college students and their lack of long term thinking. I would qualify for something like that if they ignore my age.

Anyhow, I will have to come up with it somehow. The alternative is annihilation.

Other than the interim period, I am looking forward to having the first of six terms under my belt. Right now, the people a term ahead of us in term 2 seem so much cooler than us because they are not walking out all green in the stick and wet behind the ears. And I am looking forward to that.

As of the start of term 2, we will no longer be newbs! w00t!

Plus, like I said before, I am looking forward to greater challenge. Other than a few spots where I fell behind and felt overwhelmed, nothing I have done so far has been terribly difficult, apart from that damned format class business. Hopefully I won’t have to do all that again.

I want to write, not worry about stupid little details. I admit it, I am averse to fine detail thinking like that. I feel like the important thing is to get your point across, and if someone can’t process your brilliant idea because you made some small mistake that doesn’t really affect anything, that’s their problem, not mine.

So if, in the future, I make some sort of mistake that Final Draft doesn’t catch, and neither do I, I will just have to hope that whoever is reading the thing is not one of those “error encountered, processing shut down” people.

I am not the sort of person who can ever get things 100 percent right. 90 percent, sure. Maybe even more.

But never 100 percent. Sorry coach…. I only gave 93 percent out there. But hey… we still won, so who cares?

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.