Just woke up from some of that rough sleep and hence I am feeling rather like I have been through the birth canal of a very petite woman a dozen times today.

I honestly don’t know bhow the rather compact Acadian ladies of my homeland manage to be so fertile.

I’m going to assume that the magic ingredient is Catholocism.

so right now, blogging is the last thing I wanna do. But as always, there is no question of not doing it. This space needs filling each and every day.

And I need to do it. Otherwiose, the words in my head get backed up worse than usual and that hurts.

So merrily, I trudge along.

My Xbox One S finally showed up. The one I won from a McDonald’s contest.

I will pause now to take note of that, I’m a winner. I won something. Right now, I have a new, in box, never opened Xbox Obne S (Minecraft Edition) sitting on my bed waiting for me the decide its fate.

I’m not a loser. I’m a winner. I won something. I WON. I feel like I need toi repeat this a million times in order to counter the inner programming that says quite the opposite.

I really have no reason to hink myself a loser. After all, in order to lose, one first must play. I’m more of a non-player. A sitter-outer. A concientous objector.

SOmeone who has been on the injured list for a very long time.

I wish I could be reborn. Not in the birth canal way mentioned above. Just in the sense of being able to start over,. free of all unwanted contexts.

Like life had saved games and I want to load one from before I made a lot of crucial mistakes so I can now avoid them.

Life doesn’t work like that, though. Reality is broken, after all. Only the world of video games has perfect justice. Hard work is always rewarded, progress is mesurable and guarnteed if you put in the time, and the bad guys always get it in the end.

And at your hand, no less. Making you the oft praised hero of the land. Meaning your hard work is not only rewarded but recognized and acknowledged.

Marx would be please. Sort of. Not reallty. Forget I brought it up.

Not sure what I will do with the Xbox. Might sell it, might keep it. If I keep it, I can always hook it up to my  computer monitor and play games that way.

At least I think I can. Everything has so many input and outputs these days that I am sure I would be able to find a match. Might have to but some cables but that’s it.

And I suppose it would be nice to have a current-generation console. But I have a current-gen computer already and I can buy and play all kinds of games on it, so I am not sure why I would give a damn about playing games on a console.

And yet, the idea appeals to me. I suppose it’s nostalgia. I’ve had many hpurs of fun playing games o n consoles, and there is a purity to the experience – probably because there are no other things going on like with a PC – that is very appealing.

And o n a practical level, the games can look and play better than on a PC because they are being developed and programmed for a particular piewce of hardware with known capabilities, unlike on a PC.

So I don’t know. Might keep, might sell. Looked up the price. and it seems like what I have goes for around $300 CDN retail. So getting $200 CDN for it should not be hard.

Dunno what I would spend the $$$ on tho. So there’s that.

Damn I wish I could go right back to sleep. I want to sleep all the time these days. It’s like winter is making me want to hibernate.

Except at night, when the world is quiet and I am alone and most people are asleep and therefore I can play Skyrim for hours and hours without distraction.

Then I perk right the fuck up. Sigh. Those hours are my most alert and mentally engaged and on sync with the world.

The world of Skyrim, that is. Further sigh.

But right now, I just wanna sleep. That’s what happens when you stay up till 8:30 AM in the fucking morning. I have had spome sleep due to lovely Trazadone, but it is still not enough. I want to sleep for like, three days.

But nonight I have FRED and hanging out with my wonderful friends.and before that, oif course,I have to finisgh my words, and I will need to get a shower at around 5:15 pm in order to be presentable for FRED at 6 pm, and so forth and so on.

I would be so much better off if I got to sleep at some human time. But I can’t seem to remember that when I am in the zone playing Skyrim and reluctant (to say the least) to take a sleeping puill and leave the mental state where I am connected and purposeful and feel connected and contended and confident. and plunge into the draining and depressing world of sleep, where I always wake up feeling crappy and confused.

It’s a bum deal. But I asm not so stupid (yet) as to think I can solve that by means other than just going to sleep earlier.

Like that’s going to happen.

Oh well. Almost done. Then I can crawl back into bed and nap for a couple more hours and then get up to face the day with something like sentience.

Hopefully, this time, I will wake up feeling at least a little better than I do now. Lately, it seems like I end up feeling really bad every day and that really sucks.

Want to get back into taking better care of myself.

Right now, I gotta lay down before I fall down.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow,

That’s hpow my brain feels right now.

Here, I will open up my skull so you can feel it yourself.

(SFX : Creaky lid opening, soft disturbing squishing)

I just finished a long and quite epic quest mod in Skytrim, the last part of which involves a hell of a lot of quite difficult fightng while trying to find my way through an underlit and visually boring dungeon (it’s a factor in the fatigue, trust me) that culminated in me having to fight the biggest fucking monster I have ever seen in the game, a giant brass monster who took many a concept and strategem to finally defeat.

In case that’s not clear (and why should it be), what I mean is that I had to think up and try many different ways to kill the fucking thing until I found omne that worked.

So right now I am in that special kind of mental state I used to find myself in after a very mind labor intensive exam. It is a lot like being drunk, only without the being relaxed and happy part. My brain is fried like baloney and I feel sort of like I just staggered out of an area hit by a bomb during the Blitz and I am still reeling from the shock.

So I figured this would be a great time for me to blog.

Hey, might as well make the most of this rare mental state. It takes a lot of strain to put me here and I am guessing (hoping) that my writing will be amusingly different if I write while I am feeling so mind blasted and slap happy.

Take that, Happy!

(SFX : Face being slapped, male voice saying “Ow!”)

Never could stand that guy.

Eventually, the adrenaline portion of this mental state will wear off and I will take a very deep nap. Right now, no matter how wigged out I feel, I could not sleep without the intervention of a very heavy sedative or a very heavy hammer.

Wouldn’t it be great if that’s all it actually took, just like in the cartoons? JUst a bomp over the head with a hammer and you get a little raised bump on the head and some deep peaceful sleep.

It would put the sleeping pill people out of business, unless they got in on the burgeoning new nap hammer business.

It was a pretty good quest mod and I got some pretty sweet gear out of it. The gear would be a lot sweeter if I was a warrior instead of being a mage, but whatever.

It’s the thought that counts. Plus, I can kill dragons with lightning, so that’s a plus.

This mental state is notg entirely unpleasant. There’s a certain giddiness that comes with being so mentally blasted. Perhaps that’s the sort of state the casual users of various stupefying chemicals enjoy.

Myself, I am too goddamned paranoid and controlling tofully enjoy being temporarily stupid. My sense of safety, such as it is, is dependent on keeping my wits about me  and constantly trying to look in all directions at once in order to see danger coming in time to deal with it.

It’s no way to live, really. But it’s the only one I know.

I would be way better off if I could relax, trust the world, and free myself of this nightmare burden of anticipation. It would makes me a much calmer and happier and saner person if I could change that fundamental sense of how safe I am variable that got harshly set to “never ever ever safe” when I wasn’t even old enough to cross the street by myself.

I did it anyway, of course, but I wasn’t supposed to.

But I don’t know if it’s even physically possible to alter that variable. Like I keep saying, between birth and the sage of five, we acquire most of our adult brain mass. That means that trauma from that period can become part of the actual physical structure of the brain itself, and that’s not something you can fix with a nice long chat about our feelings over a hot cup of tea.

The best that I can hope for is to either get used to feeling unsafe and habituate myself towards sanity that way, or continue to lead the life of the recluse because I can only truly feel safe is when there are no people around to threaten me.

Not even my loved ones.

People have told me that part of the appeal of bondage play is the level of trust involved, and that would explain why I could never, ever, EVER be a part of it. I don’t trust anyone enough to let them tie me up. Nobody. I can’t even conceive of someone I would trust that much. It’s simply impossible.

God, the adrenaline is wearing off and I really want to nap now. But I have 200 more words to write and there’s a pizza on the way. So that’s not gonna happen.

UIt’s a lot like my inability to believe there is someone who can help me. Obviously that’s not true, because I have improved greatly under Doctor Costin’s care.

Therapy works, folks. It just takes a long time.

What I truly mean when I say nobody can help me is that there is nobody who can do it by being stronger than I am and thus being true authority to me. I have been mentally stronger and faster than those around me for my whole fucking life. The only people who could stand up to me enough to make me feel safe were both women with strong personalities who were tough enough to handle me.

But I was a kid then. I pnly got bigger and stronger as I aged. Now I literally cannot imagine someone being strong of mind and spirit and heart enough to make me feel like I was not all alone in the world and that someone was watching over me.

And I need that. I need it in order to finally finish my childhood and grow up.

But it just plain ain’t gonna happen.

So I am officially fucked.

And not in the good way.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.