Feeling pretty fucking depressed right now.
Hopefully the food I am eating will help. Low blood sugar is enough to make anyone feel the blues. Luckily, it is easy (and tasty) to treat.
Thing is, I know it’s just the usual chemical bullshit. It doesn’t mean anything. Nothing has actually changed except the neurochemical balance of my brain. Pretty soon, the flood waters will retreat and I will feel better.
Still not great. But better.
Knowing that doesn’t make it go away, though. I still feel terrible. I feel overwhelmed by life and want to hide in a deep dark hole till it all goes away.
Or at least until I am not so freaked out about everything.
Oh well. I got food, I got meds, I got like five hours before we do Denny’s. That’s plenty of time for my antidepressants to kick in and hopefully drain the depression from my mind and leave me some life worth living.
Because right now, everything seems scary and overwhelming and weird and hostile. My head hurts and my joints ache and my lungs are scratchy and heavy inside and I really could use a nice long quiet cuddle with someone who loves me.
Or at least a few hours more sleep. But that, I have to earn by at least getting the first half of my daily blogging done.
Right now, it is taking a lot of my small supply of energy to keep typing away. The words are not coming to me easily, and being me is not very fun right now.
But that will change. It always does.
It’s just the weather.
Speaking of the weather, holy frick is it windy out there. Makes me glad to be inside.
Wish it wasn’t so loud, though. And it makes the building shake, which always unsettles me a bit.
Buildings are not supposed to tremble.
But what the hell. At least I am not in Australia trying to survive the inferno right now.
It helps to be grateful for the small things like that.
There’s something deeply wrong with my approach to life. I have been trying to figure out what the problem is a lot lately.
It’s like I am always trying to stay warm under a blanket that is way too small to cover me. So some of me is always sticking out into the cold and I can never get warm enough to truly relax and feel safe.
I think I would be far better off if I (metaphorically) stood up, wrapped the blanket around myself like a garment, and headed off into the world in search of someplace warm and friendly and nice.
There has to be a place in the world where I could shine. Someplace where I can make a living and have some kind of purpose and meaning and content to my life.
I mean, here I am, brain the size of a planet, with all this power at my command.
That’s got to count for something, doesn’t it?
I could do so much if I was free.
What I really need is an escape plan.
More after the break.
All right, time to write 478 words in 27 minutes. No problem.
Go words go!
Feeling better than I did earlier. I’ve gotten some more (sweaty and disturbed) sleep since then and that helped a fair bit.
So did eating and taking my meds. So, I was right on all three counts there.
I’ve been pondering what sort of force could take me out of my current life and put me somewhere where I might thrive as opposed to merely staying alive.
And apart from divine intervention (unlikely) or my being able to do it myself (same), the only thing I can imagine doing it is some kind of mentor figure. Someone who sees my plight, agrees that it’s a tragic waste of human potential, and is both willing and able to work with me till we find me a place in the sun that I can call home.
Someone who thinks I am worth investing time and energy into, and has both the will and the resources to do so in a way that gets me ahead in life.
Not sure if I am looking for a mentor, an agent, or a boyfriend. Or maybe what I am really looking for is a father.
But, you know, a good one, not like the one I got saddled with.
I know that whoever took on that role would not find it to be an easy job. They would have to be willing to get tough with me when I am slacking off. That is not going to be easy because I have a natural ability to be sympathetic.
As well as just plain pathetic. Ha ha ha.
Luckily, said person would not have to beat me with a cudgel in order to get me to work. I don’t have a problem with doing what I am told and going where I am sent. What I need most of all is guidance and emotional support – someone to tell me where to go and what to do when I get there. Someone who is also capable of talking me down when I am anxious and pumping me up when I am depressed.
I can’t do this for myself. If I could, I would be doing it as we speak. I need some kind of outside force to inspire me to pull myself together and get to work on myself.
I need to feel like I am not all alone in the world any more. That someone is taking an active interest in me and my outcomes and is willing to invest their own mental resources and time in me because they believe in me.
I love my friends, but what I need is more than our little coterie of intellectual depressives can provide. I need someone stronger and healthier than me to show the way and help me along the path.
I wish I could be the parent I have always needed for myself,. but that’s not logically possible. I am only one person. I can only be what I am.
And that’s just plain not enough any more.
So where would I go to find a mentor? Or an agent?
I have no fucking clue.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.
Finished with nine minutes to spare!