Actually, that’s not true,.
What I am is a very, very good liar who chooses not to do it because he is a fundamentally honest person who can’t stand insincerity and dissembling, especially when it’s coming from himself.
That said, when there has been occasion to lie in the past, I have been shocked and somewhat depressed by how easily and well I do it.
Invariably, this only happens when I am caught by surprise and have to cover my ass somehow. That’s not a scenario that comes up a lot in my life, so my Pinocchio score is still pretty damned low.
But it isn’t zero. I am too honest to claim that it is.
Even when I feel I was justified in lying, I don’t like it. It feels gross to me. That sensation of reality splitting into the real version and the version where the lie is true is highly unpleasant to me.
Plus remembering a lie is just too much work for me. Honesty is a lot easier.
And honesty feels good. Solid. Reliable. Like a good mid-sized sedan. When you are honest, you have the strength of your convictions because you know without a doubt that you mean what you say.
And that kind of integrity sends a powerful message to others that you can be trusted. And that not only helps you socially, it helps you psychologically as well.
It feels good to know you are an honest and trustworthy person.
There is a limit to how moral honesty can be, of course. As painful as it is for me to admit it or even think about it, there are situations where lying is the moral thing to do, no matter how reluctant I am to actually do it.
Gone are the days when I was an absolutist about the truth. I eventually figured out that this was less a moral position and more the delusional belief that what felt right for me (constant total honesty) just happened to always be the right thing to do as well.
I ain’t got time for that kind of bullshit. Reality is more complicated than that, and for those of us both determined to do the right thing and smart enough to see through a lot of the social reality BS that other people use instead of true morality, there is no room for that kind of intellectual shortcut.
Who knows what the future holds, though. It might be that as I get older and my mental faculties start to decline, my current level of honesty will prove unsustainable and I will have to settle for being mostly honest.
You know. On average.
I hope not, though. If it comes to that, I think I would rather jettison my diplomatic skills and go back to being blunt instead.
I just have to wait until I am visibly old enough to get away with it.
Was that too blunt? It’s just that I’m so old and confused……
To be honest…. that sounds like a lot more fun.
More after the break.
What’s the matter, Colonel Sanders?
Decided I felt like having KFC tonight. So my usual order of a four piece meal type dealie is on its way.
That means it’s time to blog, even though the words are having a hard time making it out of my head through the semi-frozen molasses that has flooded my brain.
Dunno why, but I am feeling extremely thick right now. Not exactly stupid but not far from it. I feel like if I suddenly had to deal with a difficult situation, the best that I could do right now would be to smile and hope I could charm and halfass my way through it.
Maybe I need more sleep. Maybe this is the result of playing too much Divinity : Original Sin 2 lately. Maybe I am getting burned out.
Come to think of it, this mental state does seem quite similar to the one I would find myself in after an exam.
Guess I was thinking about the game like…. really really hard.
As a result, I feel thick as…. um…. thick as.a…. dammit, some very thick thing…. thick as… help me out here, Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull…
Yeah. Like that.
The game is going well. I had a period where I wasn’t getting anywhere and was just sort of wandering around without any real goals, but I got over that and started trying harder at various places where I had been stymied before, and lo and behold, I overcame the obstacles and got things flowing again.
Like so much in life, a lot of it came down to confidence and focus. The confidence to think I could beat these tough fights and the focus to keep myself from getting nervous or giving in to feeling helpless and confused.
And to just keep trying dammit. So I suppose persistence is also involved. The problem with giving up easy is that you don’t have the memories of overcoming things via persistence that would reinforce persistence as a behavioural pattern.
And if you have depression like I do, the problem is further compounded. Because when I overcome something by persisting, I don’t get a feeling of triumph.
I am just glad it’s over.
Like, right before coming here to blog, I finally beat a rather hard fight I had been defeated by many times before, and I was kind of happy I had finally won for maybe two seconds then it was gone.
I honestly don’t care. I mean, obviously I care enough to have done it, but when I think about it now, the best I can muster emotionally is a sort of grim satisfaction.
All I really think about is all the stress and effort that went into it.
And I know that’s not right. I know other emotions should be there. I know that with rewards that feeble, it’s no wonder I have trouble with motivation.
Work hard, really apply yourself, pour your sweat and tears into it, and you too could enjoy this tiny moment of halfhearted happiness.
I can’t believe I never saw the connection between depression’s anhedonia and its lack of motivation before now.
Remind me to do a whole thing about it soon.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.