It’s Wednesday, comedy tonight, anxiety attack, aaaaaa, gonna troll Facebook for material and see what I come up with, yadda yadda yadda,
Honestly, I am not sure I even should go, because I am still sick and I have no idea what it is. I could take it back to my GP but he’s frigging useless.
After I eat, I will try to spray – I assume it’s a broncial dilator of some sort – that he gave me and see if it makes me feel better.
The symptoms themselves are not that severe. In fact, other than the raw and scratchy feeling in my lungs and throat, I am actually feeling pretty good.
Must be the sunshine. Sunshine cheers me up, at least some of the time.
I really should get some full spectrum bulbs for the lights in my bedroom. Might do me a world of good.
But real full spectrum bulbs, not regular old light bulbs labeled “full spectrum” because they produce white light and white technically contains all colors, so….
I want something that recreates actual sunshine to the highest degree of accuracy possible. I want something that could theoretically tan me.
It should be good enough to kill vampires, is what I am saying.
If it meant I would always feels as good as I do now, it would be worth it. Woot!
Tried out that game Tyranny.
The bad news is that it its, actually, the bleak and amoral game I tried before. It takes place in a fantasy universe where the super-powerful evil wizard has actually defeated the heroes and mostly won. All that is left is this area called the Tiers, which are natural shelves on the side of a mountain.
Which is a rather nifty setup for there being a lot of little kingdoms close together. After all, you might be the lord of Tier 3 but have no real contact with Tier 2 or Tier 4, and Tier 1 and Tier 5 are mere theories if that.
Your character in the game is an up and coming officer in the evil wizard’s army. And these are not nice people. Neither are you.
So technically, you’re evil too. But this time through, I think I have sussed out this game’s game. On paper you are evil, but you don’t actually do evil things. They have left just enough wiggle room in your actual actions that the player can tell themselves they aren’t so much evil as they are a product of a very, very severe culture.
This makes me willing to go further in the plot of the game than I did before so I can see if eventually you use your skills to become a badass rebel of some sort and take down the evil wizard and his wicked empire.
Or at least get to be harsh but fair.
If the game was truly the moral oblivion it pretends to be, I would have no use for it. But so far at least, I have enough leeway that I can avoid doing anything too evil.
Plus I have a second playthrough of Divinity : Original Sin 2 on the go.
And I am still on the lookout for my Next Big game.
So what I am saying is, I got options.
More after the break.
Did comedy. Went fine.
Right now, the most important thing is that I am working on my particular style. And I am beginning to get an idea of what that style looks like.
Basically, I want to be having a conversation with the audience. Not literally…. I am not nearly ready for audience work yet.
But I want my tone to be intimate and chatty, like the audience and I are buddies catching up with one another.
I also want to good at a high but relaxed speed. It helps keep density and momentum up, and helps to channel some of my nervousness into comedy.
One of the secrets of comedy is that you can turn all that nervous energy into presence, persona, brightness of affect, and so on.
All comedians are a bag of twisted neuroses fighting like cats on the inside. The successful ones are the ones who make that work for them.
So far, so good.
And I have decided that I am cool with writing the jokes Wednesday afternoon. I write the jokes, then I perform them, and that’s what I do on Wednesdays.
And that works for me. It means I don’t have a lot of time to worry and fret over the jokes or to work myself into a frenzy of anxiety over show time.
Dammit. I need to lay down for a bit. I will be back by 11 pm.
And now I feel haunted again. Thanks, nap.
But you know what? Fuck feelings. I’m sick and tired of their bullshit. I wish there was a way I could cut through all the garbage and noise in my head and get some fucking peace and quiet and stability for once.
Instead I have this roaring void in my head 24/7 that generates the icy col wind constantly punishing my naked flesh without respite or restraint.
And I want out. But there is no “out”. There is no escaping this constant mental bullshit. The best I can do is distract myself for a while with video games and food and hanging with the fuzzies. Keep my mind too busy to notice how fucking cold it is all the time.
How i long to be a real, live, functional human being. To finally come in from the cold and warm myself up by the fire and just fucking relax for a change.
Instead, the best I can do is thaw myself little by little, a teacup’s worth at a time, and a glacier’s worth left to go.
And I am so god damned tired of it all. I want to come home. I want to feel safe. I want to be somewhere where I am loved and cherished and valued and validated.
Instead, I am left out in the cold, as always.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.