Been sleeping well today. Which is nice.

By sleeping well, I mean sleeping for a long time without it being that sick kind of sleep where I wake up feeling all groggy and confused and ill.

No, this time, for whatever reason, I slept for around six hours more or less uninterrupted. I say “more or less” because I am pretty sure I did wake up a few times but then went right back to sleep.

Close enough. When you have the kind of sleep issues I have, you take what you can get. A lot of the time, sleeping for three hours in a row is a triumph.

So, so far so good. I will probably get some more sleep after I finish Part 1 of the day’s bloggination. And that’s fine.

After all, all I was going to do with my time was play video games, and the games can wait. They will be there when I wake.

Doing what I need to do to take care of myself is far more important.

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Safe At Home

I hereby declare myself to be safe.

There are no bullies lurking to hurt me in my life. I have no serious threats to my safety waiting to trip me up, and above all no reason to feel unsafe.

Which means I can relax. I don’t have to maintain a state of constant vigilance. There is no force or entity that is just waiting for me to drop my guard so it can “get” me.

And I don’t need to hide any more. Hide from what? Hide from who?

Whatever threatening forces there have been in my life are long gone. I don’t have to be scared of dealing with things any more. I can ignore the oversensitive alarm system in my head and do the things I want to do but have been too scared to do.

Above all, I give myself full and unlimited permission to leave my comfort zone and go out into the world to find neat stuff to do.

I have nothing to be ashamed of.

I have nothing to be afraid of.

And there’s a big ol’ world out there waiting to give me what I want.

I just have to go out there and take it.

And I can do that.

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Speaking of leaving my comfort zone, tomorrow night is comedy night and I am beginning to panic.

Which is fine. It’s just something I have to go through. Might as well get it over with so I can move beyond this panic and get to work.

So here goes : I don’t have any new jokes, I haven’t even bene thinking about jokes this week, it feels like the gig (such as it is) is coming up way too fast, I’m not ready, I don’t know what I am going to do, I’m going to end up bombing hard and feeling humiliated, and I want to just stay home and hide till it’s all over.

I think that about covers it.

This is roughly how I felt last week when I got a last minute reprieve via comedy night being canceled due to the snowstorm.

Only this time, I am panicking a day early so I can get it over with.

We will see how that goes.

More after the break.

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Where was I? Oh right, panicking!

Aaaaah! Oh god, no! EVERYTHING is GOING to HELL and we’re ALL going to DIE! We’re all DOOMED! This is the END! Aaaaaaaagh! AAaaaaagh! AAAAAAAAh!

Etc., etc, and so on, ad infinitum ad nauseum^[1]. You get the general idea.

Have to do a fight over again in Divinity : Original Sin 2. Which is annoying. Thought I had saved the game when it was over but apparently not.

It wasn’t a particularly tricky fight or anything, I just hate having to repeat things.

I am pretty sure I am inches from the end of the main plot of the game. I finally got to the place where I would ascend to the titular Divinity, only to have the biggest villain of the game blow it up, and move me straight into the whole “we have to get out of here, this whole place is about to explode!” part of the story.

I am disappointed to have divinity snatched away so cheesily, but I am not surprised. I knew they would pull some kind of chickenshit maneuver like this. I knew they would shy away from actually making you the new Divine.

Apotheosis might sound like fun but it would be damned tricky to write, let alone translate into a game mechanic.

I mean, I could do it. Just level the character up to max, give them some amazing abilities, and let them wander the open world until they get bored with nigh-omnipotence and stop playing on their own.

Better yet, level them up a bunch then let them start the game over with their neato keen new abilities.

Or you can do like Elder Scrolls Online did, and have the last act of the plot involve you getting your godlike powers and using them to get to the last boss before the final fight.

That was hella fun. Blasting hordes of tough enemies with one shot, bashing down walls with your giant fists, screaming with a voice like thunder about how badly you are going to fuck up the big baddie when you get to him.

Good times. Very good.

I would even (begrudgingly) accept an “ascend unto glory” ending where the music swells and the graphics show you riding into the heavens on a golden chariot and disappearing into an unimaginably glorious new life…. then the credits roll.

Even that would make for a better copout than just snatching the thing you have been moving towards for the whole game away at the last second.

Oh well. Guess I will go do that fight again and see how things actually end.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.