Or at least that’s how it feels sometimes. When I am feeling overwhelmed. And all I want to do is escape from everything.

So I play video games. Like, a lot.

And of course, I know this is the wrong strategy. I know that I would be better off steeling my nerves and turning to face my problems head on and dealing with them like a mature grown up type person.

But burying myself in distractions is so much easier and way less scary.

Meanwhile, life just keeps passing me by. I waste my life playing video games and get older and older and sadder and sadder and completely fail to have a life.

It’s too pathetic to be tragic.

I try to find the resources within myself to grow stronger and become more of a person. And there is growth of a sort, but it’s so very slow.

I could do so much in this world if I could only escape my mental cage. But there is no way of letting myself out without letting the world in, and all that cold hard fear inside me still won’t let me do it.

And over and over again, I dream of walking away from everything and starting over again somewhere where nobody knows me and I can reinvent myself.

I suppose one doesn’t have to walk away from one’s entire life to do that. I could find some promising local subculture and reinvent myself there.

Maybe some sort of kink scene. I don’t know.

Of course, I would have to face my social anxiety first. And that’s a mighty tall order. I think the only way I could pull it off would be to activate my kamikaze mode and go into it not giving a shit whether people like me or whether I am being obnoxious, and just concentrate on being true to myself and expressing myself fully, and let the chips fall where they may.

That’s probably the best attitude towards life in general, to be honest. Focusing a lot less on trying to control outcomes and far more on just being your true self.

You know. Just like all of society has been telling me since the day I was born.

But being true to yourself takes a leap of faith for someone like me precisely because the outcome can neither be predicted nor controlled. You have to just trust that being true to yourself will work out in your favour over time.

And that is a very large leap for me. I am used to a certain level of logical continuity in my thinking. A follows from B which leads to C and implies D, type thing.

The only word to describe what kind of mental or spiritual energy can let you jump from A all the way to P is “faith”.

And it doesn’t matter if everything clearly indicates P is a far, far better place to be.

Without a road leading from here to there, I can’t go.

More after the break.

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And here I am, as foretold. Back.

With, quite honestly, not a damn thing I feel like blogging about. Right now I am feeling lazy and self-indulgent and irresponsible.

Kind of like I am on vacation. From my total lack of job or school.

My life is very same-y.

And that’s a problem because, like I have said many times before, one of the basic facts of neurology is that repeated stimuli are tuned out by our nervous systems.

So if you are doing the same things over and over, those things become less and less stimulating and hence less and less real over time.

When you combine that with living in my computer most of the time, it’s a wonder that I have any sense of connection to reality left.

And truth be told, sometimes that connection gets mighty thin. And that makes my really anxious because it makes me feel like I am on the brink of total chaos and insanity. A state wherein my ultimate nightmare happens and I get trapped in my own mind, with no input from reality and no outlet to express myself.

Worst of all, no mental stimulation. The horror.

Luckily, I do get out three times a week or so. And while the world inside my computer is not a good substitute for interacting with reality, it does change and stimulate and make me engage with it interactively, so while it’s low on physical stimulation, it’s at least high in mental stimulation, and that helps.

And here, on my computer, I can feel safe. Or as close to safe as I ever do. I can do the one thing I know how to do, and that’s how to fill my mind with mental stimulation until there is no room left for worry or anxiety or self-loathing and achieve a level of comfort that makes the time pass quickly.

We’re going nowhere but we’re doing it at the speed of light.

Maybe what I need to do if I want to escape this poisoned candyland is set aside an hour a day to spend in solid reality.

That means not only not being on the computer, but not being in bed either. And no media consumption of any kind.

Even if all I do is sit on the edge of the bed and stare at the wall, it’s still time I am spending out of bed and out of my head.

It would also give me time to think and process all that mental stimulation, especially if I add in some form of meditation.

Of course, like most of my brilliant ideas, this probably won’t actually happen. I will finish writing this thing and think, “Yeah, that sounds like a great idea. ”

But nothing will come of it.

After all, the real problem is all this hate and rage and fear inside me that prevents me from doing things outside my tiny narrow corridor of safety.

Only hyper-predictability can keepo that shit at bay,.

And that’s why I feel like I am fading away.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.