Been really feeling like tomorrow is today lately.

Especially at this point,where I sit down to do part 1 of my blogging and eat lunch. Every time I do it, it feels like I just did it minutes ago. All the times I have done the same thing suddenly stop being unique events and slide together into instances of the same event, and I get this terrible feeling of being trapped in a loop with nothing but more of the same stretching out in front of me unto infinity.

This is why I do my best to avoid thinking about the future. It makes the bad thoughts come back. The terrible black thoughts that crush and smother me with despair.

And they are never completely gone, those thoughts. Just yesterday, in an unguarded moment, the death god that is my suicidal impulse whispered its deadliest word into my ear and mind : OVER.

As in, don’t you want all this to be…. OVER. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all your pain and suffering was OVER. It would be so easy to make all this be…. OVER.

And I shivered, and immediately buried the thought as deep as I could because it scares me so because to the sick part of my mind, it sounds very, very good.

So what can the part of me that wants to live do but bury that shit like it’s radioactive?

Because it is. In a way.

But that is no good s long term solution, which is why I am writing about it today. The only way to truly triumph over my darkest thoughts is to vent and thus release them.

So it’s true. The urge to destroy myself still lurks within me. And that’s something I have to live with every day.

In a sense, it is the ultimate and final guardian to defeat in order to win my freedom. When all else fails, my depression can always bring on the suicidal thoughts to scare me away from the exit and punish me for trying to escape.

But a curious thing happened not long after I had that poisonous thought. Another thought, beautiful and strange, came to counter it :

I WILL NOT BE PRUNED BACK.

I will not shrink away from the cold of these dark thoughts.

I will not withdraw my hopeful tendrils and curl up in a ball deep within myself.

Whatever this is, I will grow through it. Like grass bursting through the pavement, my hopeful tendrils will fill the cracks of even this barrier and swell to break it.

I will pour my energies into the void itself until it is overflowing with my sunshine and my love, and then it will dissipate like a black hole after millions of years of Hawkins radiation and be no more.

And then, at long last, I will be able to feel my own love.

And on that day, I shall be whole.

More after the break.

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More thoughts on growth

I think the main takeaway from my recent musings is that being happy takes effort.

You have to invest your energies in boosting your mood. Depression makes us think that we have to hoard our energies, and often our lived experiences bear this out.

I know I have had times when I ran out of gas at a very bad time.

But like everything else depression tells you, it’s a lie. The real secret to energy is that the more you spend, the more you have in the long term. Every time you use it all up, the reservoir gets a little bigger, and over time energy expands to fit demand.

So it’s as if every time you spent all your money, your paycheck got a little bigger.

So, not like real money at all.

When you hoard your personal energies and develop a miserly attitude toward them, you unconsciously start hoarding the very energies that in a healthy person keeps them from sliding into depression.

To stick with the miser analogy (because it’s not like I can help myself), now the miser is starving to death because he won’t buy food and freezing to death in the dark because he has stopped paying the power bill.

Oh, but think of the savings.

Where I am right now, then, is the part of my journey where I learn to lift my mood.

Not to the point of mania, of course. Just to the point where I am not depressed.

And as to be expected, my depression is resisting, and so it’s slow going at first. I still have a lot of inertia from all the dead weight in my psyche to overcome.

But I have my spunky little tugboat and I know that if I just keep tugging, eventually that big motherfucking ship will move.

That’s just physics.

And there’s a lot of the kind of deeper and more damaging bullshit to overcome too. Like the idea that I am not “supposed” to have to invest energy to be happy.

This one stops a lot of people. It stopped me for a while. But I am so totally over that bullshit now. Fuck “supposed”. Fuck any relic of my neglected childhood that is still waiting for an adult to notice how sad he is and take care of everything. Fuck any idea even remotely resembling the notion that if I have to invest effort in something, someone “wins” or someone else “gets away with it”.

All those who wronged me as a child have gotten away with it. None of them have ever or will ever suffer consequences because of it. It is ancient history and will stay that way till the day I die.

And if dreams of justice and revenge are blocking my happiness, then fuck them. Throw them on the bonfire with all the other useless toxic bullshit holding me back.

Wow, look at that shit burn. I feel cleaner already.

And that goes with anything else holding me back. Throw it on the fire. Watch it burn. See the smoke disappear into the night sky.

And know that it is gone forever.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.