Can’t think of anything to write about. which is rare.
Usually there’s either something on my mind or something I want to explore in my own psyche and I start from there.
But not today. I got nuthin’.
Probable cause : being pretty sleepy. My sleep is all over the place lately. I neve know when I will get sleepy, how long I will be asleep, or how much sleep I will need before I can actually be awake for reals.
No wonder my mind is blank, then.
Half of my brain is still asleep.
Like it or not, I am probably going to have to go right back to bed once I finish this part of my blogging. This, despite having already gotten roughly six hours of sleep.
Standard comment : I hate this shit. Wish I could be relaxed and philosophical about it and just enjoy the cozy restfulness of it all.
But I’m too feisty for that. I want to live, dammit. I don’t want to sleep my life away. I want to be awake and having fun.
I want more life, fuckers!
Feel like I am slowly burning out on Skyrim specifically and video games in general.
I mean, by this point, it is beyond trite for me to say there must be more to life than playing video games all goddamned day.
It’s also trite for me to point out that I don’t know what else to do with myself. Or, more accurately, I don’t know how to do anything else with myself.
I mean, obviously I can think of dozens of things I “could” be doing;. Writing, for example. The real deal, not just this stream of consciousness stuff.
I could even be writing something someone somewhere might pay me for.
But I don’t need that kind of pressure.
Which is to say, I lack the ability to put myself in that situation. If I somehow landed a gig, I would happily accept the pressure and enjoy the challenge of it all.
In that scenario, someone else would be providing the structure and I would merely be adapting to it, which is no big deal for a shapeshifter like myself.
But on my own, there’s nothing to adapt to. No form to take, no problem to solve, no focus for all my aimless energies.
I guess that’s another reason why I have to become a harder, tougher, less sensitive dude, even though that is anathema to me.
They very thought of it makes me feel queasy and scared and like I want to die. Because it feels like I would have to die to make that happen, or at least, that if it happened part of me would die.
And that’s true. In order to become the free, strong, happy, healthy, successful version of myself that I know I can be, the old weak toxic version of me needs to die.
Die, and be gone, so that a newer, stronger, fresher, better version of me can be born.
Guess I am mourning it in advance.
More after the break.
I am happy!
Just got off a Zoom with E and I am on Cloud 9 because it went so well.
Standard disclaimer : I must be vague due to the NDA i signed.
But, vaguely, I was told that E and D looked over the writing samples provided by the Big Time Writer with the Amazing Resume and found their work very dull and pedestrian and not at all what they were looking for.
Plus, dude is super expensive and wants three months just to produce a show bible,let alone actually write an episode.
I told E I could write the show bible in a weekend. Which is true, but I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t believe me.
It sounds pretty implausible, especially when a seasoned pro just told him it would take three months and a fuckload of money.
But I could totally do that. This is what I have been training for with all this blogging. I went the whole of my time at VFS barely even feeling the strain of the workload except near the end, and even then it was nothing major.
I handled it just fine. Hell, I could have done twice as much.
So what E wants from me is to take one aspect of the show bible as it exists now and expand upon it so that he and D have one more example of my work to help them make up their mind about me.
And I am deliriously happy to do so.
I don’t mind telling you, when E was telling me about how disappointed they were in Mister Big Time’s work,, I was trying to play it cool on the outside but on the inside I was dancing a little jig.
It was music to my ears because it played exactly into my strengths as a writer. I don’t do things the normal way, both because I am a breathtakingly original writer and because most of the time I have no idea what the normal way of doing things is.
So I’m a weirdo. But the good kind. With like…. talent and stuff.
Right now, I am struggling to restrain my natural exuberance because if I gave it full rein, I would end up giving E waaaaay more than he asked for and quite possibly overwhelming him in the process.
I can see it now. “Here’s the character profile you asked for. And profiles on all the other characters, plus a dozen new ones. Oh, and the rest of the show bible. And all the scripts for the first season. And a total pitch package. And some extremely moving poetry written from the point of view of us, the viewer. Oh, and…. “
That would be a bit much. I will confine myself to that which was asked of me and keep my usual bounding enthusiasm on a short leash.
Oh, and get this : if they like what I write, they will even pay me for it.
And that would mean I get the gig.
And that would make me an actual, professional writer.
And that would make me very, very happy. \
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.