Today’s a working day.
Gonna write a document for the job I am trying to get. One that details where i see the series going. Should be fun to write.
But I can feel the neurosis creeping in. Trying to freak me out about the whole thing and make me averse and avoidant by seeing it all as “too much” and “too soon” and making me want to crawl back under my rock till the “danger” (aka this golden opportunity) goes away and I can go back to being a puddle of goo.
And I am not unsympathetic to these feelings. They come from a genuine place of hurt and worry. That thinking has been with me a long time.
But I am not going to listen. I am not going to let it run and ruin my life. I am not goingto let fear and weakness rule me.
I will soldier on.
i will do what needs to be done even if it scares me.
I will persevere.
And I will win.
Not right now though, as I am having a sleepy day.
It’s my own fault. Been not taking my sleeping pill lately. As a result, my sleep quality has been poor and the quantity hasn’t been up to snuff either.
So I have been finding it harder to concentrate and think lately. I try to talk and the wrong word comes out. And it’s so hard to think of the right one.
And that’s terrifying, You can take anything else but leave me my words. They are all I have got. If I can’t speak properly, shoot me in the head.
That’s why I took my sleeping pill, Mirtazapine, this morning. I did it knowing that it would trigger a sleepy day where I catch up on my sleep debt.
In retrospect, I wish I had not done this on a working day, but whatever. The job will get done. Just later in the day than I had thought.
And I will get caught up on sleep, and be smarter.
Or at least better at being smart.
Crap, my internet just died. Writing via LibreOffice for now.
Still pissed off about my stolen $120 and my cardholder company’s lousy attitude about it.
Going to talk to someone about it when I go to cash my check on Wednesday. Vancity has been sympathetic and helpful in the past, so who knows, maybe they will help me even though they claim to have nothing to do with the reloadable VISA card with their name on it.
I am not afraid to throw my weight around a little on this one. I want my fucking money back, and I am willing to bring all my powers of personality and persuasion to bear to achieve that goal.
And if that doesn’t work. I might just start trying to get the media interested in the story of a poor disabled guy who had his money stolen and then got hurt again by the people who were supposed to be protecting him from this kind of thing.
Well, internet is still out. Time to reboot.
More after the break.
Hard work is a lie
Does anyone even believe that keeping your head down and working hardand doing your job well is how you get ahead any more?
Because that’s total bullshit and always has been,
You know what working hard gets you? Labeled as a drone. A drudge. Someone the system likes right where they are, doing all the work so that the real people who understand how things really work can devote all their time to what really gets you ahead, namely sucking up to the person above you.
A lot of people think that’s unfair. And they are right. The system told them that hard work and doing a good job gets you ahead , but they only say that because they want you to maximize their return on labour – to get the most work out of you they can.
But the really dirty side of it is that it’s all based on our hardwired social instincts being hacked by those above us.
We are born with the labour theory of value, which states that working for the collective is what has value and should be rewarded proportionately.
Imagine a hunter bringing a fat kill back to his village and getting cheered and lauded for providing for everyone and you get the idea.
Problem is, society is far too complicated for that now. Sure, labour is still the primary generator of value, despite what the corrupt economist elite will tell you, but the connection between our labour and our rewards is tenuous at best.
Yet we keep beavering away because that’s what our social instincts tell us to do. And the system continues to exploit that instinct while feeling absolutely no compulsion to keep up their end of the deal.
My dad worked hard all his life, and you know what it got him? MORE WORK. His became the desk where all the real players dumped their work because they knew that as long as it came from someone above him in rank, he would do it without question or complaint every single time.
I am positive that they must have laughed at him behind his back for imagining that being a total drudge and a doormat would be rewarded with anything but contempt.
And more work, LOTS more work.
And then he would come home from work and take his frustrations out on us, his family, rather than actually learn to assert himself at work.
So believe me when I say hard work is a lie. My dad lived that truth. And I saw the toll it took on him. And through him, the toll it took on the rest of us, too.
Want to get ahead? Be useful to your boss’ career. Be as like them as possible. Make sure they get a nice warm feeling every time they think of you.
Then, when it’s time to dole out the rewards, they will give them to you.
Whether or not you do your actual job is irrelevant. Get a drone like my late father to do the work for you.
You need all your time to curry favour and kiss ass.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.