I’ve mentioned this before in the long distant past, but now I want to really tee off on it and see if I can shake some pain loose in the process.
So here it is : video games are my substitute for productivity.
They fake it so well. When I am beavering away in Skyrim, I am accomplishing things. I am completing goals, acquiring loot, gaining experience points, leveling up, and progressing towards a goal.
And all in a nice safe imaginary environment where I fell relaxed and comfortable and competent. One that for all the pixels and noise is actually far, far less stimulating and scary than the real world, and nothing is actually at stake.
So that’s where all my energy and ambition goes. It all gets expressed doing something which soothes and relaxes me, but accomplishes nothing, and is the main cause of my living to the age of 47 without having even become a grownup yet.
Clearly, if I could give up the video games, or even just cut back enough to give myself a few productive hours a day, I would be able to do the things I truly want to do with my life and maybe at long last actually get somewhere and be someone.
But it’s so hard to fight the addiction. So much easier to keep fleeing from reality and letting video games fill my mind and keep it too full for any neurotic thoughts of anxiety and self-loathing and existential terror to creep in.
So I continue to suck at the teat of false accomplishment. It’s a satisfying substitute, especially if you have none of the real thing to compare it to.
At least I have the secret project with E as a prospect now. If I get hired, I will have to travel to Nanaimo to thank the person who dropped this opportunity into my lap personally, and take him to dinner to express my gratitude.
Just think : if I land this gig, I will finally have the money to do full on grownup things like travel and rent hotel rooms and eat at fancy restaurants and such.
Ya know, once that shit is possible again.
Maybe I will even treat myself to one of those fancy schmancy VR rigs. Wouldn’t that by a trip. Be able to visit Skyrim in person, so to speak.
My perverted sex mods would be so much more stimulating that way.
But I have to land the gig first. Things are looking good. My main competition turned out to be boring AF and way too expensive and demanding and slow.
And I am proud of the work I have submitted so far. I think it’s good stuff that really shows how I think very deeply about these things and know a lot about what makes a show works and what makes it flop.
So right now, I am waiting to hear from E. I hope he liked the character thing I sent him, I’d be happy to do more of them, one for each character.
Hopefully, for money this time.
More after the break.
Update : E and D like my character profile, but want something that shows the characters’ personalities rather than just telling us about them.
No problem. I have already started framing up a sort of “a day in the life of our team” kind of scene which will give us a snapshot of each character’s personality as well as their place on the team in my mind.
Or if they wants me to stick with one character, I can do that too. Nolo problemo.
All in all, I am happy to do whatever they ask. I am theirs to command. This is a dream opportunity for me and I will dance on fire if that’s what it takes to get the gig.
And it feels so good to finally be using my powers for something. I have all this untapped creative energy just waiting to strut its stuff for the right people and show off just what an amazing mind wizard I truly am, but it needs someone to rub the lamp first.
I can’t rub my own lamp. Believe me, I’ve tried.
So having a receptive audience for my gifts is a real treat for me.
Heck, just writing something knowing it will be read is a treat for me.
Not that I don’t adore you nice people for reading this blog of mine. Like I always say, if nobody read it, I couldn’t do it. I have a strong need to communicate, and that kind of implies someone on the other end of that line of communication.
I’ve tried talking to myself, and while I am, of course, fascinating to listen to[1], I almost always know exactly what I am going to say.
But having my writing read by people who don’t know me personally is a whole other ball of fish, and I find it highly gratifying.
I get the feeling E and D are having trouble making up their mind to hire me. And I totally get that, because it’s a huge risk.
I mean, I know I’m amazing and they would be lucky to have me, but they don’t.
From their point of view, I am some random outsider who might be talented but is still a unknown quantity and so they are understandably hesitant to entrust their project to someone like me.
All I can do is keep doing my best on whatever they ask of me while trying to find ways to dazzle them with my talent and reassure them that whatever they need from me, I not only can do it, but I can do it fast, cheap, and well.
Ideally, I will get to write everything from the pitch package to the bible to the first and/or pilot episode. I would love to do all that.
They might even pay me money to do it!
Wouldn’t that be a trip?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow,