As i type this, I am in two different kinds of agony.
First, there’s the usual back pain, Deep and terrible aches, stabs of acute pain, and a feeling like I just got kicked in the balls by a horse that is very good at it.
And all because i made the mistake of getting out of bed.
I am seriously sick of that shit, and wondering if i could learn to sleep sitting up.
More seriously, though, my blood sugar is crashing and that’s a whole different level of pain. This time with the risk of death!
I feel very faint and dizzy. And cold. MY extremities are tingling, and I feel a terrible fluttery feeling all through my body. Oh, and I am trembling in a subtle way.
Now help is on the way. I’m eating. just ate an apple, along with the usual trail mix and Smartfood popcorn mixture. My body is being given what it needs.
Let’s just hope I made it in time and that my body has enough insulin response at the moment to make use of the fructose and glucose I am feeding it.
Really wish I had remembered that Hershey bar I have stored in the freezer specifically for situations like this back when i was putting my lunch together.
Also wish my insulin wasn’t in the living room.
In both cases, I don’t dare risk the consequences of expended the energy to get up and go get them. Might not make it.
Hope the food does the trick. I feel somewhat better than I did when I started this blog entry but I still feel pretty bad.
It’s my own stupid fault that I am in this situation. Of course. Instead of eating when i got back from picking up my expensive new glasses, i lay down, and ended up falling asleep for a couple of hours.
Leading to my waking up with very low blood sugar and let me tell you, that sucks.
Then it took me twenty minutes to get out of bed because I kept falling asleep again, Plus it’s been extra hard putting together the motivation to get out of bed lately.
Probably has something to do with it causing brutal fucking agony in my back.
Kind of wrecks my motivation.
I think I am going to go get my insulin. I’ve eaten my meal and still feel pretty terrible, so I think it is worth the risk,
Wish me luck.
There. 60 units injected. God I hope that gets the job done. I’m scared.
Also grabbed the Hershey bar. Probably a dumb risk considering that it’s too late in the process to eat it and I haven’t much of an appetite right now anyhow.
But what the hell. How often is eating a chocolate bar medically indicated?
Right now all I really want to do is lay down and sleep. Or at least rest.
A lot can change between wanting to sleep and sleep these days.
But of course, I can’t lay down until I am sure I got this blood sugar thing under control. And I think I do. I feel way less cold and shaky now.
And what the hell, I have given my diabetes food, insulin, and Hershey, so i think i have all my bases covered for now.
Time to lay down and give my body time to sort shit out/
More after the break.
Another disaster averted
Well, I’m not dead. So there’s that.
I’m told it’s a good thing and I have no reason to doubt it.
More or less. I guess.
Tear down the wall
So basically, I have decided that I am no longer going to protect the world from my emotions. What I feel is what it gets.
Fuck the reactor shielding. Fuck power control. Fuck the whole damned safety structure. My radiation is going out into the world in it purest, hardest form, and the world is just going to have to deal with it.
For now at least, it’s a passive release. I am not blasting my radioactivity out into the world via repeated meltdown just yet.
That time may come. I have so much toxic steam built up inside me. Merely opening the release valves may not be enough. I might need to explode.
We’ll reduce that bridge to radioactive slag when we come to it.
Makes me wonder why I have been holding everything in for so long. Whyfor curse myself with this compulsive constipation?
Control is certainly a factor. And its fraternal twin, that old male standby, the fear of seeming vulnerable to others.
Doesn’t really make sense when you look at it. If anything, my unstable radioactive core grants me enormous power. It could easily be harnessed to make me a very venomous viper indeed, and give me the strength and energy to really kick some ass on evil.
But I supposed that wouldn’t be “nice”
Well fuck “nice”. That toxic shit has got to go and if that means putting my pain into others, well as long as they deserve it, fine.
I am tired of being the dump site for other people’s pain. One way or another, it’s all coming out, so watch out world.
The first three rows WILL get wet.
This may end up hurting people close to me. I am not happy about that and I am definitely going to do what i can to minimize the damage done, but the fact remains that this is my path to sanity and I am going to take it no matter what.
I am sick to death (literally) of this hell that I am in, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to escape it, and if that means being an angrier and more hostile and more obnoxious version of myself for a while, so be it.
I’ve really enjoyed being a totally sweet, nice person for a while, but it’s time to move on. To come to grips with the fact that my being totally nice all the time came from a place of weakness and fear, and that if I hope to be sane, I am going to have to find a way to be a more balanced, healthy, normal human being.
I will always being a sweetie.
Bur i need to be something else as well.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.