Okay, so I lied. I guess I’m going to make list of what I want for Xmas this year after all.

What the hell. At the very least, it will give me a better idea of what I want to buy myself for Xmas this year.

Got my Xmas mp3’s playing. Have a pleasant drink to drink. Let’s do this.

1. Back massage. Absolutely anything to help relax my poor tortured back muscles, or really, any muscles. My life would be so much easier and more comfortable if I wasn’t a tangle of knots all the damned time. So a massager of some sort, or a special seat cover, or a relaxing lotion or tea, or a gift certificate to a (legit) massage therapy place, or anything else you can think of.
2. Steam gift card. It’s where I get my games. And it would help me get over the sticker shock on the latest and greatest AAA games.
3. Cleaning. Done by you or by professionals or a gang of suspiciously well behaved monkeys or whatever. My room is so dirty now that I am thoroughly intimidated by the prospect of cleaning it myself. Plus, there are intricate psychological issues involved. So what I could really use is for someone to clean the whole place from top to bottom and basically reset the whole system so that from that point on, I just have to keep it clean. That, I think, would make me feel a whole lot better about life, and make me healthier too, I think.
4. Sugar free sweet treats. Always welcome. Candy, cakes, cookies, chocolates, you name it. But not anything with maraschino cherries or fruit filling. Not fond.
5. A new computer chair. Out of most people’s price range but what the hell. Could definitely use something more ergonomic than my current model. It’s a pretty standard computer chair, but I have been using it for so long that it’s not nearly as comfy as it used to be.
6. A nice little vacation. You know. When those become a thing again. Doesn’t have to be anywhere fancy. A B&B would be fine. Just need some time away from my current life to rest and relax and reset in some nice place with clean bedding and soft beds and peace and quiet and a pleasant setting. The old joke is true : when you are unemployed, there’s no vacation. I need a break.

I am sure there’s tons more but whatever. If I think of them before I finish blogging for the day, I will add them.

If I don’t, whatever, I am mostly doing this for myself anyhow.

It’s funny – Covid both giveth and taketh away this year.

The giveth : because of The ‘Vid, neither of my roomies will be going home to be with their families for Xmas, so I will not be all alone all Xmas this year! Huzzah!

The taketh away : By the same token, I will not be going over to Joe’s parents’ place for Xmas dinner this year. Boo!

As a result, I am going to try to put together a nice Xmas for us here in Fanhattan. Get one of those pre-cooked turkeys, maybe some Stove Top Stuffing, instant mashed potatoes, a real low effort Yule feast.

Also get some liquor and candy, because Xmas day is the one day of the year than I lwr myself eat and drink whatever the fuck I want.

We’d better get our stuff soon before the real last minute Xmas rush kicks in.

Maybe when I do my shopping tomorrow night, we will hunt up that turkey.

More after the break.

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A weird warning

This is for Felicity and Julian, in case I forget to mention this tomorrow night.

As you both know (because I wrote about it here), I got me some of those fast-acting anti-anxiety meds from Doc Costin.

And I have not tried them yet. I was going to try one of them Friday night but then I was too sick to go out, so now I will be trying one out tomorrow night.

See, according to Doctor Costin, it’s best to try these things out when the system is “under load” – in other words, when I am experiencing some social anxiety.

But he also said to start small. So I figured, the lowest level of social anxiety I experience on a regular basis is when we are hanging out outside of McD’s.

I am not super stressed in that situation, but my social anxiety is there. It’s awake. It’s ready to pounce if things get out of hand.

So it seems like a good test case.

And now, a warning.

See, both of these pills have some potential side effects my friends should know about.

The first is sleepiness. Some people respond to these pills by becoming extremely sleepy. Especially the first time you take it.

So there’s a chance that after taking it, I will get very sleepy. Hopefully, this will happen before we leave, but if it doesn’t kick in until we are on the road, I will just switch places with Julian and lay down in the back seat for a nice long snooze.

Honestly, if it’s decent quality sleep, it might just do me a world of good.

More worrisome is the other side effect, known medically as “disinhibition” and known by some people I know who have taken these drugs as “it makes me silly“.

This is a logical outcome. Anxiety is the main enforcement mechanism of our sense of what is socially appropriate, and so when it is gone, well….. silliness might occur.

In my case, this effect scares me because for one, I know there is a loud, obnoxious, rude, heedless asshole deep inside me who finds himself hilariously funny and who has NO IDEA HOW LOUD HE IS TALKING NO YOU SHUT UP HA HA HA FUCK OFF!!

I know this guy because I’ve met him when I am drunk.

Okay, I have been him when I am drunk.

For another. I know what sort of pressure has built up behind the dykes of my social anxiety, and when that dam bursts all that pressure will be released I might just go a wee bit insane for a bit.

I hope not. Probably not. But it’s a possibility.

And while a dam burst like that might also do me a hell of a lot of good in the long run. in the short and medium run, I would probably end up in jail.

Oh well. At least then, I would get some full time psychological treatment.

Anyhow, consider yourselves warned.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.