Finally getting at least part way into the Xmas spirit.

Working on some cards for my family via Postmates. They let you buy and fill out actual, real physical greeting cards which they then post for you.

Like some kind of mate.

They won’t get there before Xmas. Whatever. It has taken me a very long time to even get this far. I just don’t have much Xmas spirit this year.

But I am not too worried. Their stuff doesn’t get to me before Xmas either. Whatever.

This is the first year where I have officially given up on making an Xmas list of things people can get me, though.

Nobody pays attention to the damned thing, so why bother? Nobody considers me worth shopping for, it seems.

Or we’re all too old and tired to give a shit.

Well, everyone but me, anyhow. I still want to know what people want for Xmas and to get it for them if I can.

I have always really enjoyed giving gifts. I enjoy it more than getting gifts, to be honest.

I am such a consumerist heretic.

Giving gifts lets me express my love and care for the people I love and care about. That’s very important to me. I live in my icy castle on its own little island most of the time, so when I get a chance to express how I feel to those I love, it becomes a very urgent need to do so because who knows when I will get another chance.

Just like Walter from Fringe. I identify with that guy on pretty much every level. Except people recognized his genius as, ya know, valuable, and invested time and energy in helping him develop it, and actually told him it was a good thing.

Me, I just got amazing marks and nobody noticed or cared. Maybe I was part of the problem. Maybe because I didn’t take my marks seriously, nobody else did either.

Or maybe I was just such a drain to deal with that people kept all interactions with me to an absolute minimum and encouraging me went against that.

People don’t like being around pathetic people.

We depress them.

If I could send a message back in time to my self on that first day of Grade One, I would tell myself to be prepared to fight back when people mess with me, and stop being such a god damned wimp.

Wake up and get ready to fight, Champ. Life is not kind and you will get nowhere being a crybaby and a pussy.

But don’t worry, because you are strong as hell. Strong of mind, spirit, and soul.

And strong of body too if you just move more and eat less crap.

You have amazing superpowers, kid, and while they might not be as cool as Spider-Man’s, they can make you a superhero in the real world because you can do things nobody else can.

They can be your ticket to whatever life you want. High priced lawyer? Sure. Therapist? No problem. Writer? You got it. Entrepreneur? No sweat.

Whatever you want, you can have it. But only if you are willing to fight and work and suffer in order to get it.

So man up, stop taking your gifts for granted, and work like hell to expand your powers.

The world can be yours…. if you are strong enough to take it.

More after the break.

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An old joke

Life is but a stage, and we are all players, trying to complete it.

gamer shakespeare

Wrote that one ages ago and I think it’s pretty darn good.

But enough jollity. Back to depressing stuff about depression.

Will I make it?

That’s really the existential question for me right now.

Will I manage to escape my depression before it ends up killing me via my diabetes?

Will I ever escape my icy prison and get to walk in the sun as a real live emotionally present healthy adult human?

Will the wizard ever escape the dank and dingy dungeon he built to keep people out but now only keeps him in?

Will the world ever benefit from his fantastic powers?

Will he fulfill his destiny and become Something Pretty Great Overall?

Or will the perils of the dungeon do him in first?

You know, that would make a pretty good premise for a video game. A wizard builds a deadly dungeon to protect against his enemies but then, woops, drops the all important key all the way down to the bottom of the dungeon and now has to fight his own creations in order to escape.

Could be funny having a running joke where he comments on his own ingenuity.

“Blast! I forgot I added the fireballs!”
“Oh right, the spinning blades. You know, even for me, that was a pretty inspired… eep! *ducks under said blades”.
“I should have included a way to skip these damned villain monologues. YES, I know you’re a Prince of Hell and you’re going to eat my soul. I WROTE THAT SPEECH.”

Could be a good way to meta-comment on game design too.

“For the life of me, I cannot remember where I put the gold and treasure on these wolves. Actually, maybe I don’t want to know. “
“Oh please. Of course you’re shifting into a second form. Like anyone would think beating you was that easy. What was I thinking?”
“Mental note : when I get control back, splash a little paint around this place. All this gret stone and brown wood is getting downright depressing. “

You know, I am one funny motherfucker. It’s weird how I have to keep re-discovering that. I guess the depression keeps erasing it from my mind.

But I got superpowers, man. I just have to get my shit together enough to go out into the world and use them to my benefit.

And the benefit of others, of course. But first, I need a wage and my own place and a comfortable kind of life.

You know, the stuff people usually do in their 20’s.

I have a lot of catching up to do.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.