Kind of forgot to think of something to write about. Hmmm.
I already used up all my personal narrative relaying my medical misadventures in yesterday’s blog post.
Those posts are always easier because I am working off real events instead of digging deep to find psychological toxic waste I can dig up and dispose of properly.
Now, I have to actual think of stuff.
Well, one thing : will be taking my last Celphalex when I finish my meal.
And good frigging riddance. I have no doubt that it’s a highly effective antibiotic with a low rate of serious side effects, but the trivial side effects are fucking annoying.
There’s the suppression of appetite, which is why I take it AFTER meals. I already have a somewhat unreliable appetite so adding Cephalex to the mix just makes that worse.
Still, at least I haven’t had to deal with the Demon Hunger my diabetes causes sometimes for a while, and that’s a blessing.
I’d rather deal with forcing myself to eat when I don’t want to than deal with being massively hungry even after eating a full meal all the time.
The other side effect is one that I had forgotten from the previous time I was on Cephalex : it makes me really tired. Not in a “do not operate heavy machinery or even light machinery for that matter, in fact just stay home altogether” sense, but it still really drags me own and is like, a total bummer, man.
Hello, The Seventies!
So I am looking forward to being finished with this course of Cephalex. Took longer than it should have because I missed a bunch of doses via sheer absentmindedness, plus having difficult adjusting my routine, but it will finally be over.
I just had a nice thought : if I ever exit my depression, maybe I won’t be so absentminded any more. That would be wonderful. I consider my absentmindedness to be my primary flaw in the sense that it is the one that causes me the most trouble and the most personal anguish.
Because no matter how hard I try to keep things together, I still forget things. Importantt things. Combine that with not noticing things in the first place and I have suffered a lot of humiliation and guilt, not to mention frustration with myself, because I go around in this thick mental fog all the time.
Would be awful nice to clear that shit up. But I know that this numbing fog will only go away when I don’t need it to protect me from reality and shut out overstimulating influences any more.
I know where I stand in this illusion of mine. I know why my heart is frozen and why so many of my psyche’s important linkages just plain don’t work.
The real price of progress (both spiritual and psychological) is always consciousness. Waking up to reality means forsaking the comfort of dreams, and that is definitely going to hurt like fuck at first.
And for me, in order to finally feel the sun on my soul, I am going to have to feel all the pain that the numbness has been blocking for me all these years.
This cold, cold island of mine might be killing me but it has its uses.
Just talking about this has me feeling like there’s a cold wind blowing over my heart.
But that’s the numbness melting, so I welcome it.
Let spring come, no matter how much it hurts.
Because then, this shit will be over.
More after the break.
Tall and Free
Elza the Sharp viewed the circle of wizards around her with detached, indulgent politeness. They knew that she knew that she did not have to do this. She was perfectly free to walk away from Skylach Tower forever without so much as goodbye note, let alone this sad little inquisition, and it was only manners and a desire to leave absolutely nothing, not even a unfinished formality, that was keeping her here.
Of course, they had chosen her mentor Dolach to lead the ceremony.
“Elza Pazzo Fremal, is it true that you seek permission….”
A sharp glance from Elza caused him to retrench.
“…that is, that you seek….um, to exit Skylach Tower on this day?”
She nodded. “I do. “
Dolach nodded, took a deep, steadying breath, then said “By what right do you seek exit, Elza the Sharp?”
By the right of my being three times as powerful as all of you combined, she thought. Because that means there is nothing you can do to stop me. Because for all your strutting and preening about being the almighty Council On High, in this situation, you are, at long last, completely powerless.
“By my right as a Free Mage. ” she said. “This council granted me that title itself. I have completed all the requirements and passed all examinations for exit, and I now claim the right that I thus earned.”
Doloch nodded solemnly. “There is no doubt that said right will be granted. ” he said, “once the ceremony is complete.”
Elza’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “What more remains?”
Dolach smiled indulgently. “But a trifle. Archminster Adaway?”
Dolach sat, and Adaway rose to say, “Do you, Elza the sharp, recognize that once you leave Skylach, you may never return, on pain of death?”
Elza nodded. “I do. And good riddance. “
Dolach pointedly ignored that remarks. “Archminster Tolof?”
Tolof said, “And do you recognize that when you leave the Tower, you will be leaving most of your power behind?”
Elza nodded. “I do. What good is power in a cage? You can keep it.”
Dolof nodded, “Then by the power of this Council, I grant you exit. “
The floor under Elza became suffused with a golden glow, and she smiled coldly, and said, “Farewell, my…. colleagues. I will not miss this place.”
With that, she vanished in a flurry of sparks.
“How long do you think it will take her to figure out she is still here?” asked Adaway,
“Hard to say.” sighed Dolach. “Depends on which is more powerful – her pride or her suspicion. That’s the most powerful illusion spell known to this Council, and no one should be able to pierce it. But our Miss Sharp has a way of….exceeding expectations, does she not?”
All laughed at his humorous understatement.
“Meeting adjourned!” said Dolach.
And all shuffled out.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.