Please dial again later.
I realized just now that I no longer remember what it is like to not be lonely.
Even with my friends, both online and in the real world, my heart remains mostly frozen and it’s hard for me to feel their love.
My family? Forget about it.
I know these people love me. All signs point to this truth and I have no basis for doubting them, I know that they love me and it hurts them that I am so cold and distant.
I am sure they wish they could help me. But how?
And yet, I don’t feel the warmth. I am still far too numb for that. At best, I feel a tiny warm spot on my frozen fractured flesh that may or may not be human contact.
And it’s hard to maintain faith in a truth you cannot feel. Even for a rugged mind warrior like myself. It requires constant reinforcement or that tiny bit of warmth will get swallowed up by the great darkness and disappear for a long long time.
It’s like trying to light a fire with the light of a candle a mile away.
Only more futile.
And I don’t want to be this way. I want to be open to life, and giving, and in touch with my fellow humans, especially those close to me.
But I am dead inside. Paralyzed, Therefore phantom love is all I can feel. I want to smash the wall between us, but I don’t have the strength.
Or the courage. Because it’s really going to hurt.
So all I can do is semi-patiently chip away at that nasty ass wall like a prisoner trying to tunnel his way to freedom and hope that one of these days, my pick will break the surface and I will feel the sun once again.
Worse than usual
My ailments are ailing me much worse than usual.
Starting with my back. Got up from bed (so, asking for trouble) and got a really bad spasm in my back.
The very worrying kind that I feel deep in the vertebrae and that remind me of times when I have broken a limb. It has that same feeling of WRONGNESS, like there’s an alarm going off somewhere inside me.
That, in turn, kicked me in the gut. That made that troublesome area at the bottom of my bladder/top of my liver act up and start aching in the usual scary way.
And for some reason, that also makes me feel like I have been kicked in the balls. Which means my balls ache in that way all men would recognize and that not only hurts but makes me feel like I am going to puke.
And that, in turn, sets off my IBS. So now I am cramping, aching, twitching, my head is pounding, my balls feel like they’re going to implose.
Time to eat! Joy.
I had to sit in front of this computer and fuck around on Facebook for 45 minutes before I could even contemplate getting up to get myself some lunch.
But I did it, now I have had some food. So I at least know low blood sugar isn’t going to going to join my gang of merry tormentors any time soon.
All in all, it really sucks to be me right now.
Moreso than usual, that is.
More after the break.
Still in hell
Feeling neither better nor worse than before.
Did not go out to do McD’s with Le Gang tonight. No surprise there. I’ve felt quite sick all day. And I still do.
I feel very fragile and weak. I’m even trembling a little, like a nervous mimosa. My head hurts in that sickening way it hurts when my sinuses are over-full.
Time to unclog my nose and ears AGAIN. Tenth time today, at least.
And I feel so god damned tired. Like I am fading away,
Except that would end my suffering.
What I need is a long hot shower to clean out my pores and flush the toxins from my skin and maybe even open up my sinuses so they can drain properly.
Not gonna happen though, because I know that when my sinus cavities are in the state they are in right now, my usual weakness to heat stroke is amplified by a million, and the hot water of a shower would damn near kill me.
So no, that’s not on the agenda tonight. I suppose I could try to take a cool shower instead, but I would have to be very careful to get the water temp right.
Because the sad truth is that in the state I am in, a chill could hurt me almost as much as becoming overheated.
I am such a delicate hothouse flower.
Anyone know where I can find a hothouse with an open bed?
My species was never meant to grow in the wild. We are adapted to very specific environments where the struggle for survival is far, far away.
Like academia. Or the entertainment industry. Places where highly creative and intelligent specimens like myself can take root and flourish. Places where a funny little fern like me can get the nurturing and protection I need to grow up big and strong and show the world just what a dazzling wonder I am.
But I am not strong enough to get that for myself.
I’m not strong enough to get it from somewhere else, either.
I am a car without enough gas to get to the gas station and get more gas. I am trapped by my own desperate weakness in a private hell full of frustrated desires, blocked emotions, clogged pores, and a case of emotional constipation that would fell a moose.
And all I can do is hang in there and resist the urge to jump off this fucking train because as much as this train ride sucks, it’s also the only way out.
And I need to get out.
Because this bullshit is ridiculous.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.