Because nothing does.
The angry apathy is strong in me right now. Everything seems stupid and pointless and pathetic and worthless. Especially myself.
I’ve lived a stupid, pointless life filled with stupid, pointless deeds and stupid, pointless days and soon it will reach its stupid, pointless end, and I am looking forward to it.
I can’t wait to be dead. I think I am really going to enjoy it.
The case for death
No more suffering, no more futility,
No more lacking all utility
No more frustration, no more cringing
No more evil thoughts impinging
No more depression, or existential pain
No more knowing I’m insane
No more weakness, lack of will
No more midnight tundra chill
No more fear. No more dread.
No more demons in my head
No more filth. No more lies.
No more paper thin disguise.
No more loathing. No more rage.
No more locked inside a cage
No more failure. No more ennui.
No more wishing just to be
No more friendship. No more love.
No more sun shining above
No more hope. No more fun.
No more charming everyone.
No more joy. No more grief.
No more deeds beyond belief
No more discovery. No new understanding.
No more consciousness expanding
No more being cute or clever
Just the cold of night forever
This eternal isolation
Doesn’t sound like my salvation
So though I’ve nothing left to give
What the hell, I guess I’ll live
Well that happened. One of my rare attacks of poetry.
Felt good to write it, though, which is worth noting. I think the extra challenge of it made it more fun to write, but it goes way deeper than that
Sometimes about putting my thoughts into that form makes them feel more… expressed. And that’s kind of the whole point of this blog, so that’s a good thing.
So that’s something to ponder. Maybe I should write more poetry. Or at least, wander into more challenging territory more often.
I burn with the need to express myself as deeply and thoroughly and gloriously as possible. I want to dig down deep and bring my darkest truth up into the light of day where it can be cleansed by sunlight. I want to excrete all my vilest toxins and then flush my system of the dregs so that I might finally be empty and clean.
I want to rid myself of all these words swarming over one another in my head and turning my mind into an overburdened prison ship cast adrift on the sea.
I want to unleash all my demons and let them romp and play in the light of day till they calm down enough to tell me what they have to say.
I want to vent pressure like an orgasmic geyser and throw all my excess heat into the cool blue sky until I am calm enough to be human again.
I want to get rid of everything that is not me.
Then maybe I can finally figure out who I really am.
And maybe just….. be that guy for a while.
Wow, am I poetic today.
More after the break,
Up from the depths
Feeling somewhat better than before.
A tickle in the chest
Just in time for a new health wrinkle! I’ve been coughing.
Pretty sure it’s just that blasted prenasal drip. That’s when nasal fluid, instead of exiting via the nose like a normal disgusting body secretion, instead goes through my eustachian tubes and down into my throat.
I know. Ewwwww.
Some of this fluid goes the wrong way sometimes and end up in my lungs, and that is when the coughing starts.
Like I said, I am pretty sure that’s all this is. My nose has been running despite my having taken my Reactine “Complete” (yeah right) and I have felt the substance in question in my throat (eww eww eww!) so that’s what it probably is.
But obviously, in this time of plague, we’re all just a wee bit paranoid about The Covid, so you can bet your big brown biscuit I am going to be keeping a close eye on this.
Including occasionally stopping to smell something.
We all do that now, right? Just to be sure?
Curse you to Hades
Me and Hades have a problem.
I’ve really been enjoying the game. It’s a lot of fun. It’s a roguelike, which these days means when you die, that’s it, start over, but along the way you level up, and so on.
And I am down with that. Up to a point. Past that point, though, there has to be some chance of substantial progress or the whole thing seems pointless to me.
And that is where I am with Hades now. I finally beat the first boss, Megaera, only to find that means absolutely nothing.
I didn’t get a massive powerup. It didn’t open a portal to where she is so I can start over there. I didn’t even get a new weapon.
My situation is exactly as it was before I beat her. I still have to go through all of Tartarus in every run, up to and including fighting her, before I can get to the part I unlocked by beating her. The part that is actually new to me.
And I really did not expect this. Other roguelikes avoid that shit with portals or powerups or literally anything except having to do the exact same shit over and over forever.
I really, really need a sense of permanent progress in a game. A sense of having accomplished something substantial.
Otherwise, what’s the fucking point? I cannot stress this enough : beating Meg made absolutely no difference in my game.
And considering how hard and long I worked to get to that point, that’s just plain wrong. At the very least, beating her should have meant never having to fight her again.
That’s a rule of video games so basic I didn’t know it existed till they violated it.
Kill monster. Monster dead. Monster gone now. No fight monster no more.
So this might be it for me and the game. I am too proud to turn down the difficulty and having to start at the bottom of the mountain every time would undo me.
And it’s such a good game otherwise.
I am seriously pissed off about this.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.