Or, “Murder Attempt on a Dream”.
Nobody is ever going to come save me from myself.
I am the Child Left to Cry and that’s that. No matter how long I cry or how pathetic I get or how sad my story becomes or how deep my pain, nobody is going to come to my rescue. Nobody is going to pick me up out of that snowbank where I willed myself to die as a child and give me a great big warm hug and tell me they are sorry for all the bad things that have happened to me and that from now on, I will have someone looking over me, and helping me, and caring about my, and loving me. That everything is going to be all right from now on because now I finally get to go home.
That’s never going to happen. Not in the real world. Nobody looks at a big ox of a dude like me – 6’1″, 280 pounds, 48 years ol – and thinks “Aww, that poor little boy”. Nobody will ever be willing or able to shoulder a burden as great as me.
Nobody can carry me at all. I either get there on my own or I lay down and die.
Because that’s the choice all abandoned children face. Either get up and learn to fend for yourself or lie there where you fell and let yourself rot.
The people who abandoned you are long gone. They got away with it. It’s done. No force on Earth can make it unhappen and they are never going to “pay” for what they have done, nor are they going to be forced to come back and love you.
So feel free to get up and roam around. You will lose nothing. Your future safety does not rely on staying “rescue bait”. On being as pity inducing as possible in order to maximize your chance of getting some kind stranger to save you.
Nothing you ever could do would make that happen. That ship has sailed and it is never coming back. Your only hope now is to save yourself.
That means taking responsibility for yourself. And I know you really, really don’t want to do that. It’s so much easier to keep giving up on yourself – abandoning yourself just as you yourself have been abandoned.
After all, that’s all your worth, isn’t it? If you weren’t worthless, they’d have kept you.
At least that’s how it feels. Like they rejected you. Threw you away. Like they decided you weren’t worth caring for and they would be better off without you.
Just like everybody else.
Because nobody ever wanted you here in the first place. You were born unwanted 48 years ago and you still haven’t taken the hint.
You were never supposed to even be here, worse than worthless child. Hurry up and die, or at least leave us good and decent people alone forever.
Haven’t you done enough damage just by being here?
Every second of your life is a crime. Every minute you exist is a stain on existence. Every hour you are tolerated is an act of infinite mercy and forbearance. Every year of your life has been an argument against the existence of a just and loving God.
So either die already, or learn to be less pathetic.
The choice is up to you.
Because nobody is coming to get you, baby.
It’s rise and live or cry and die time.
Which will you choose?
More after the break.
Don’t go changin’
Although, for the record, I do want clever conversation.
So, tonight did not goes as planned.
As usual for a Sunday night, the plan was to go to the Sav-On Foods at Ironwood so I could do my weekly shopping and then go to Denny’s for dinner.
It’s not easy keeping up with life in the fast lane[1], but it’s always fun,
But just as we were getting out of the car at Ironwood, we got a bolt from the blue : a text from Felicity[2] saying Denny’s was closed.
Massive monkey wrench in our plans. Total shock. I was left reeling.
And that’s what I want to talk about, because it really bothers me that I handle sudden change so poorly.
It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I want to be rugged and tough and adaptable, like a really good ATV.
Instead, I am more like a high performance Italian sports car that performs well on highways but is iffy on surface roads and DOA if you go one foot offroad.
And I’ve always been like that. Patient readers will recall what happened when instea of fixing my old bike for my birthday, my family bough me a brand new one.
I flipped my shit.
Too sudden, too much, too fast. I feel bad about it now but there was no other way it could have turned out.
This is when my family learned that I really don’t like surprises, I guess.
The other day, I was watching an AITA[3] video and one of the stories started, “Was I wrong to walk out of my surprise birthday party…. ” and I said “No. ”
It went on to talk about why she did it (and it was a lulu) but she had me at “surprise birthday party”. Anyone ever does that to me and I will turn around and walk out the door without saying a word and ghost them like Swayze for at least a few hours.
And trust me, that’s what is best for all.
You don’t wanna see what kind of shit fit I’d throw if that was not an option.
And yet, I have read a bunch of these AITA stories where despite making it crystal clear to everyone involved many times that they DO NOT WANT a surprise party, those motherfuckers threw one anyway.
If you love me, you respect my boundaries, you shitlords.
And if you don’t, you don’t get to be in my life. Period.
Because I don’t trust you any more, and I probably never will again.
So um… where was I…
Oh right! So after the news about Denny’s, I felt really tired and sick, so we just got some McD’s (or as we used to call them when I was a kid, Rotten Ronnie’s) and came home so I could blog n’ rest.
It’s two hours later and I can still clearly feel the shock of it. I probably won’t be entirely back to normal until tomorrow.
All from a simple change of plans.
I’m such a delicate little flower. Sigh.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.