Deep inside my heart lies a mummified child.
It sits facing the wall. using its vast yellowed bulk to blot out the world it is so stubbornly and desperately ignoring.
It emanates coldness and sadness in equal amount. Neither invite closeness. So unsurprisingly. the child sits all alone.
Very, very alone. Just about the loneliest child in the world, in fact.
After all, who could stand to be as cold and sad as that?
That kind of thing could drive a person crazy.
The other thing you need to know about this lone child is that he is frozen solid.
It’s not obvious at first because the ice is as clear as glass. Clearer.
In fact, a great deal of care seems to have been taken to make the ice as invisibly clear as possible. Warmly colored stickers try to make the child look friendly and approachable. He’s clearly desperate for a friend but lacks the social skills to get one.
So he remains alone in the core of my heart.
So very very alone.
So incredibly, incredibly cold.
And so very, very dead.
Or numb, at least. Asleep, but not like when you sleep at night.
Asleep like when your foot falls asleep. Cold. Numb. Tingly.
And feeling so very far away.
And making a lot of very short paragraphs.
Like this one.
I swear to god, I was going somewhere with all of this. I totally had a plan and a theme and everything and now it’s all gone.
Time for a mode switch.
What I was trying to wander towards was an examination of this terrible numbness inside me that keeps me down and is slowly killing me.
It can also be seen as The Wound depending on if it’s running hot or cold right now.
Most times it’s cold.
Problem is. I am too sleepy to make the coherent thought thing happen so instead of being all deep and therapeutic and introspective, I am goofy as fudge instead.
Oh well. Must travel on.
What I am probably getting at is that this pain in my heart (woops, hot now) dominates my being and it is hard to imagine overcoming it even theoretically.
So much of my being has been shaped by the need to get through life without aggravating The Wound, and that’s not easy.
No wonder I choose to simply stay out of life’s way. It might not be better but it’s a hell of a lot easier.
But I am so sick of being so very timid and fragile. Somehow I need to get stronger whatever it takes, even if it takes acquiring a guardian.
Because if you can’t do it yourself, what other choice do you have? If you can’t stand on your own, the only alternative is a crutch.
And I know I could do it. Find the right guy, cast my spell on him. make him mine.
But could I live with myself knowing why I was doing it?
What choice do I have, though? Barring a legit miracle, I am not going to be strong enough to make it on my own any time soon. Maybe ever.
It’s get a man or get a whole lot of money.
Not sure which one is easier.
But it’s probably not the money,
More after the break.
The galloping thuds
Well this half ain’t gonna be much better. I still feel like shit.
Did a stupid. Selected a nice healthy Caesar Salad to go with my White Spot chicken burger. Patted myself on the back for evading Big French Fry once again.
Then promptly forgot I’d done that and ordered gravy.
Well duh. Old habits die hard, I guess. That was $3.80 wasted.
I suppose I will use it eventually. Somehow. On toast, or as a veggie dip.
No, those both sound atrocious.
I’ll try giving it to Joe, then.
And now, the further adventures of a guy trying to figure out WTF he’s talking about.
It’s harder than you’d think.
What I might be trying to get at is that I don’t have the spiritual resources to cope with my life, or life in general.
I have a distinct deficit in the wherewithal department.
That’s why I always feel so thin and cold and weak and insubstantial, even though physically I’m a freaking ox.
And I can’t just will those resources into existence. It’s not just a matter of willpower or moxy (foxy) or wit. I can’t just decide they are there.
Something very real and non-imaginary is missing in me, and I do not know how to get it. I have no direct access to that part of my soul.
So I fall apart and stay apart. There’s nothing to hold me together except mental magnetism and sheer force of will, and those are very low grade solutions.
I need something better.
But I don’t even know what it would look like.
I am a very lost boy.
There’s so much more to life than all my shiny bright light and fancy tricks can reveal. I know and can do so much and yet what good is a bag full of miracles if the one trick that isn’t in there is making yourself happy?
I don’t even know how to feed and maintain a healthy spirit. I feel like I wander through the dunes beneath the waves searching for spiritual sustenance when nobody even bothered to teach me to eat.
Let alone where the food is.
In many ways, my life seems like a joke.
Here, have a huge heap of talent, intelligence, charisma, compassion, and natural leadership ability. Pretty cool, right?
Too bad we also gave you mental health issues that make it all USELESS! LOL!
Pretty good joke. eh?
Yeah. Trust me, I’ll be laughing all the way to the grave.
There has to be some way out of this bullshit little town of the mind. Some way I can get the wherewithal I need to get the hell out of here.
I want to be alive. Zombie Boy requires resurrection.
But I can’t do it by myself.
Anyone got the number of a really good cleric?
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.