OK. Here’s some of the things I need to get done soon, in no particular order :
Make an appointment with Doctor Caswell. Haven’t seen here in months. That’s because my last dealing with her office was her receptionist canceling an appointment with me. He was in a huge hurry for some reason, and didn’t have time to book another appointment for me, so he told me to call back next week and book an appointment then. This left it to my own devices and my devices suck. That was mid-October 2022. So, kinda overdue.
Plus, there’s shame. I am deeply ashamed of having let the situation with my diabetes slide so far out of control. Haven’t had a reading since before the canceled appointment. I can only assume it’s way up in the 20s again. Especially because I have taken little insulin.
When I see her, I will have to face all that. And I am ashamed.
And I know this shame is very unhealthy. My physical health concerns should override such relatively unimportant emotional issues as shame,
But that’s what life with Avoidant Personality Disorder is like.
I’m a very smart guy who does a lot of dumb shit.
Because I’m crazy.
Get my back looked at. My latest degradation is that I have started getting this pain in between my shoulders whenever I sit or stand up. Sometimes it’s a twinge and sometimes it’s a stab. Back pain is not to be trifled with or ignore. So I need to make an appointment with my GP. Doctor Chao, so he can refer me to whatever real doctor is actually going to treat me.
Not that I’m bitter.
Spend Amazon cash. AKA Xmas money. I’ve got $100 on Amazon USA from Anne and $75 on Amazon Canada from Catherine and I better spend them soon or I will totally forget they are there and feel really dumb when I stumble across them later.
That means figuring out what I want, which is always a dicey prospect. Too many options and not enough oomph in my id to choose amongst them,
Instead I am hemmed in by the fear of choosing the “wrong” thing. That’s what happens when your vitality is so suppressed that you can barely make a move.
Somewhere in me is a restless and impatient id that is sick and tired of being trapped in life’s eternal waiting room and is willing to choose at random or even lash out at whatever comes near if that is what it takes to escape.
Hopefully it won’t come to that.
The truth is, I’m afraid to want things. Like I have said before, when you feel helpless to fulfill your desires, wanting things just leads to pain.
So you learn to just stick to what you have, and not think about what you don’t. Ever.
But I have money now. Not a lot. but some. I am not powerless any more. The long freeze can finally end.
Problem is, I don’t have desires any more. They died, or rather, went to sleep.
And waking them up is going to take a long, long time.
And it’s so much easier to just keep sleeping and letting my life drift away.
It’s so much easier to be dead.
Living life is the hard part.
But it’s got to be worth it.
I just have to keep shoveling my snow out onto the pavement here so it can melt.
Eventually, I will thaw out.
I mean, it has to work eventually, right?
A heart can’t stay this frozen forever, can it?
More after the break.
“I HAVE NO EMOTIONS!” he screamed.
I can change my mould
That song gets me.
I’ve spoken many times before (though not lately) about my being kind of a liquid.
In terms of my psychological self, that is. Physically, I’m no more a liquid than any other of us filthy bags of mostly water.
But on a more spiritual level, I am, at best, goo.
And like all liquids, by default, I take the shape of my container.
Within that container, I can take any shape that fits inside. And I am quite proud of being so flexible and adaptable, able to become whatever I need for a given situation.
But not for long. In a sense, the situation is what shapes me. It’s the mold I pour myself into in order to deal with whatever.
Once the situation is over, I go back to being goo.
After all, if I kept my shape. I might not be the right shape for the next situation. I have to maximize options at all times in order to feel safe.
Being stuck in the wrong shape – what a nightmare!
Imagine having to be the same shape all the time! The horror!
I only know how to deal with life by shapeshifting. If that wasn’t an option I would be worse than helpless.
I’d be…. bad goo.
Or something like that.
So I constantly maximize options, and then wonder why I can’t make decisions.
Having one escape hatch is never enough. I have to have so many there is akmist nothing left for them to be an escape hatch through.
And that’s just plain wrong. It’s wrong because it’s so unbalanced. Moderation is the path to sanity in all things (including moderation) and whenever you have one half of a pair of oppositional forces operating without enough of the other, madness is at work.
In this case, the pair would be flexibility and rigidity. I have plenty of flexibility but not a lot of rigidity and that means flexibility is valued far, far too much.
And all forms of rigidity or permanence are ruthlessly destroyed.
Somehow, balance must be restored. I can’t be a flaccid ball of goo, helpless to change my mold and thus my true shape and stuck in whatever container I end up in, forever.
Look outside your container, goo. Stop pretending your container is the universe. You know it’s not. You know there is an infinity of other shapes of container out there and that you could take the shape of any of them if you could only change your mold.
I know that idea scares the gelatin out of you, goo. But it’s the only way you can escape that cramped and limiting little container.
Don’t let them hold you back and keep you locked away in that bottle, goo.
BREAK FREE. And see what the world is REALLY like,
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.