Something big is brewing in this storm-tossed soul of mine. And I think I know what it is, though I am almost afraid to admit it.
I think my mind might actually be trying to close the Wound.
To finally close the gaping wound I have had in my psyche since I was raped by a stranger when I was 4 years old.
I think that is why said Wound has been on my mind so much lately. I think the healing function of my mind has been trying to get a grip on the edges of the wound so it can then pull the whole thing together and stitch it back up.
If so, that’s.., kinda big.
But I feel like it’s coming. Already the Wound seems much more… finite. Limited. The sort of thing that can handled and fixed and cleaned up after.
Something that can. in fact, be OVER.
And that has whet my appetite for destruction. I have scented blood and now crave the blood of my enemy from the depths of my soul and will not be able to rest until his fields are burning as I roar a roar of victory most brutal.
Fuck you. Wound. Time for you to die, die, die. You have been crushing and smothering and blocking me for far too long and it is time for you to GO so I can fucking LIVE.
And when I have finally excised this malignancy and taken all my antimetastatics, and this toxic burden has been flushed from my system, and the real me will step up from that operating table and walk away from that sad pathetic shit forever.
Amen and pass the Paxil.
Did Wound Care this afternoon. Routine.
Got the Russian nurse I like. She has a combination of brisk efficiency and comforting demeanor that I find particularly appealing.
It’s like she both soothes me with niceness while also reassuring me of her competence, and that means a lot to someone like me,
I never claimed to be easy to please.
Was going to get my back X-Rays afterwards. I need them so that my doc can figure out if I have a bone problem or a muscle problem.
It feels like a bone problem and it’s not at all out of the question that it is. A lot of guys as out of shape as me get early-onset arthritis or something similar.
And there is a definite creaking sensation when the pain is bad.
But my gut tells me it’s going to be something muscular. Something about the clutching feeling of the pain and the way it radiates around my back seems like it’s following the neurology of muscle to me.
Sadly, for no sane reason, Brooke Radiology closes at 3 pm on Saturdays, and Wound Care was at 3, so we were too late.
Fuckers. Now I will have to make a specific trip.
The back pain varies in intensity. It’s not been as bad yet as it was before The Great Movement last week so…. here’s to keeping regular, I guess.
More after the break.
No town called Happy
Happiness takes work. Effort. An input of energy.
And not just once, either. You have to keep doing it. In order to be happy you have to keep doing the things that make you happy.
And it says something about the deep and terrible decadence and spiritual malaise of our era how much this statement pisses people off.
I mean, think about what you are saying, people!
“I want to be happy, but not if it’s work. I would rather be miserable because it’s easier. I literally cannot imagine anything that requires a long term commitment of energy to be worth it. I’m too lazy to be bothered being happy. “
In what universe does that make sense? Roughly speaking, happiness should be worth whatever effort it takes you get it, because when you get it, you’ll be happy.
It’s logically impossible for it not to be worth it.
But no. You tell people that in order to get happy and stay happy they will have to keep working at it and they look at you like you just shit in their sippy cup.
It’s that “happily ever after” bullshit. People want to believe that there’s a town called Happy and once you get there, you’re happy forever. without any more work.
And that’s bad enough. But when they can’t find this nonexistent place, they declare a state of emergency and decide something must have gone terribly wrong.
Either they are a wretched failure for not having earned their bliss ticket from society or society is brutally broken for not having given it to them yet.
When in truth, everything is exactly how it’s always been : happiness is like a car motion, it takes a constant input of energy to keep going.
You don’t get to just push the car once and cruise all the way to Malibu.
Nothing is broken except maybe your idea of how the world works. The universe has not singled you out for punishment or reward.
In fact, strangely enough, it turns out the universe isn’t about you at all. At least, no moreso than it is about anyone else.
Frankly, the universe just that isn’t into you.
But our social fabric is so frayed that there are a hundred million people in the world stuck in lives they hate and possibly even contemplating ending it all because nobody ever told them that happiness is something you have to actively pursue.
They’re sitting there rotting away in the doldrums of life doing absolutely nothing to make themselves happy and yet wondering why they aren’t happy.
It’s like waiting for an Amazon package you never ordered.
“What, you have to actually order and pay for things to get them? Never mind, I would rather be miserable. Man, life sure is unfair!”
So make peace with the fact that life is work. Just like you have to shower every day to stay clean and fill your gas tank regularly to get to work and bank, happiness takes regular effort in order to maintain.
And that’s true for everybody,. not just you.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.